I Am Going To Die & Other Random Thoughts

Earlier this week I had the pleasure of sitting through a parent/teacher conference for all of my children. It really was a pleasure to hear their teachers provide glowing reports. I am an honest parent. I know that my kids have their moments and I know that they are not always angels. But if you believe their teachers the bulk of their misbehavior comes out at home.

My son’s teacher had many good things to say, but one thing stuck out. She told us about how loyal he is. She said that he looks out for his friends and that he is sensitive to their needs. I was and am proud of everything else she said too, but the loyalty struck a chord with me. It is a trait that runs deep within my family. My siblings and I are fiercely loyal, especially to each other. So it is gratifying to see that the children have picked up on this.

The expression about being loyal to a fault is a good description of me. If we are tight I am going to be there to help you, even when you are playing the fool. The older I get the harder it becomes to maintain relationships. People get busy and grow less tolerant of the shortcomings of others, but I don’t let things fade. Others walk but I endure.

Strangely enough Amazing Grace is playing on iTunes. It is a version that is done with bagpipes. It makes me choke up a little and not just because I remember Scotty playing it for Spock. It reminds me a bit of the friends that I have lost. Sometimes I wonder if I am anomaly. Just short of 38 and I can say that I know a half dozen cancer victims not to mention those that were lost in automobile accidents etc.

And then there are a couple of friends who are in dire trouble now. Their situations are different. One is dying from a terminal illness and the other has a different issue that could end up being terminal as well. I find it terribly distressing and frustrating.

Blame it on my being male, but I so very much want to try and fix things. If I could lend them some strength I would do so. It is a reminder of the importance of health and to a certain extent my own mortality. When I think about those that have passed on at a young age it is a reminder that it could happen to me. I am going to die.

Sometimes I wonder about it. I am not afraid of death. I haven’t any reason to be afraid, at least not for myself. I am obviously concerned about the impact it would have on my loved ones. If I look at genetics I have every reason to be optimistic. Grandparents and great-grandparents who lived well into their nineties is a good sign. I have often said that I always figured that I would outlive most people. I am not gloating about it, just what I think will happen.

Sometimes I wonder if this blog will be something that I do for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think that it would be kind of neat to be able to look back at 100 years of my thoughts about life. And then sometimes I think that one day I will lose the urge and will walk away. I’ll set down my pen and never look back.

There won’t be any drama, no farewell tour, just silence.

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3 Comments

  1. Jack's Shack March 23, 2007 at 2:59 pm

    Paula,

    No reason to make yourself crazy worrying about things you can’t control.

    Joe,

    So I am not the only one who thinks about that. 😉

  2. Joe the Troll March 22, 2007 at 10:05 pm

    My relatives tend to live long, also. Sometimes I think about fixing THAT. 🙂

  3. Paula March 22, 2007 at 1:20 pm

    I’m terrified of dying. I don’t know why, as I don’t believe in an afterlife or anything like that. I’m just scared of the nothingness. I haven’t had much experience with people I know dying either, so when that starts, I don’t know if it’ll change anything about how I feel. Mostly I try not to think about it so as not to drive myself nuts.

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