Accountability and Forgiveness

Today time is not my friend nor colleague. It is an adversary who I deem to be an enemy combatant and we are locked in mortal combat. There are things going on in my life personally and professionally that are very difficult. Some are quite painful and I find myself wincing, grimacing and groaning from the effort to take them on. I am unsettled, restless, anxious and concerned.

So I come here to my Fortress of Solitude and look in my cyber mirror at a tired face and wonder what will happen. Some of these things are a long time coming and I can’t say that they will be bad things. I can’t look at them and automatically assume that they will have a negative impact upon us. But I can’t say that the impact will be positive either. And that uncertainty is why I feel unsettled.

Change can be very good but it can also be very hard.

I keep listening to a collection of songs:

The words and the music wash over me and I think about what has transpired. Eyes closed I paint the picture I want to see and think about how to make it so.

Last night my body failed me. I was out playing ball with the boys and my legs had no lift. Posting up beneath the basket against a smaller man my back refused to give me what it always has in the past. Every time I went up I felt something pull. But a stubborn man I am and I kept pushing, unwilling to accept that I couldn’t do it.

It was a bitter pill to swallow- the realization that it wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t turn the clock back. I couldn’t find the moment. I played through it and finished the game. Got back up and played two more. But each time I ran out there I was less than I was before and I walked off the court earlier than I normally would.

Today I feel the aftermath of the battles. It is no worse than normal. Nothing some stretching won’t help and maybe some Ibuprofen. I don’t think that what happened last night means that I can’t play anymore either. But it probably means that I need to make another adjustment to my game.  It means that my fragile male ego has to accept that another piece of my youth is being taken from me.

But if I want to teach my children to be accountable than I have to be accountable to me. If I want to teach them to forgive than I have to forgive me. The taste of failure is sometimes bitter and I am not very fond of mistakes either, but it is what it is.

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34 Comments

  1. Leon Noone May 27, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    G’Day Jack,
    Wait till your my age. I can’t even remember most of the things i used to be able to do! Life may or may not have been meant to be easy: but it was never meant to be taken too seriously.

    This may seem odd coming from an Aussie, but go off and find out about the difficulties Bob Cousy had breaking into the pros. Next time post up on a skinny midget

    Hang loose
    Leon

     

  2. Leon Noone May 28, 2011 at 1:43 am

    G’Day Jack,
    Wait till your my age. I can’t even remember most of the things i used to be able to do! Life may or may not have been meant to be easy: but it was never meant to be taken too seriously.

    This may seem odd coming from an Aussie, but go off and find out about the difficulties Bob Cousy had breaking into the pros. Next time post up on a skinny midget

    Hang loose
    Leon

     

  3. Lizzie Flowers May 27, 2011 at 10:51 am

    I like to sing “Fucking Perfect” in my head these days…you probably should too.

  4. Elianah-Sharon May 27, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    I like to sing “Fucking Perfect” in my head these days…you probably should too.

  5. Abby May 27, 2011 at 7:48 am

    Don’t think of it as failure but simply as a new page, a new direction and a new opportunity to strengthen both your body and your mind–just in new ways.

    For lack of a more eloquent word, it sucks to be forced to change, to be forced to deal with things we can’t fix or alter to our satisfaction. However, armed with the knowledge that you are still “you,” in a deeper sense, keeps us accountable to those that love us for us. 

    • The JackB May 27, 2011 at 10:56 am

      @eb70a25664e8cf627c97ba0fe4a64cb0:disqus Nah, it was failure. No need to sugarcoat it and I don’t believe that it is the end. Just being forced to change faster than I like.  Time moves faster than I wish it would.

  6. Abby May 27, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Don’t think of it as failure but simply as a new page, a new direction and a new opportunity to strengthen both your body and your mind–just in new ways.

    For lack of a more eloquent word, it sucks to be forced to change, to be forced to deal with things we can’t fix or alter to our satisfaction. However, armed with the knowledge that you are still “you,” in a deeper sense, keeps us accountable to those that love us for us. 

    • The JackB May 27, 2011 at 6:56 pm

      @eb70a25664e8cf627c97ba0fe4a64cb0:disqus Nah, it was failure. No need to sugarcoat it and I don’t believe that it is the end. Just being forced to change faster than I like.  Time moves faster than I wish it would.

  7. D. A. Wolf May 27, 2011 at 7:24 am

    Maybe we also need to offer our children examples of aging gracefully – not surrendering to it, exactly – so much as respecting what our bodies are telling us, and taking appropriate steps.

    Not easy. I know. Believe me, I know.

  8. Big Little Wolf May 27, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    Maybe we also need to offer our children examples of aging gracefully – not surrendering to it, exactly – so much as respecting what our bodies are telling us, and taking appropriate steps.

    Not easy. I know. Believe me, I know.

  9. Stan Faryna May 26, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    Do not go gentle into that good night
    by Dylan Thomas

    Do not go gentle into that good night,
    Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Though wise men at their end know dark is right, 
    Because their words had forked no lightning they
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
    Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
    And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
    Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    And you, my father, there on the sad height,
    Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
    Do not go gentle into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

  10. Stan Faryna May 27, 2011 at 2:13 am

    Do not go gentle into that good night
    by Dylan Thomas

    Do not go gentle into that good night,
    Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Though wise men at their end know dark is right, 
    Because their words had forked no lightning they
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
    Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
    And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
    Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    And you, my father, there on the sad height,
    Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
    Do not go gentle into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

  11. michael from dadcation May 26, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    Isn’t this where bourbon and pills come in? 

    Have a happy holiday weekend.  With or without the pills.

    • The JackB May 26, 2011 at 11:11 pm

      @muskrat:disqus Right back atcha my friend. Don’t go tearing up the town, it’ll take a few hours for me to get to your neck of the woods to bail you out.

  12. muskrat May 27, 2011 at 1:24 am

    Isn’t this where bourbon and pills come in? 

    Have a happy holiday weekend.  With or without the pills.

    • The JackB May 27, 2011 at 7:11 am

      @muskrat:disqus Right back atcha my friend. Don’t go tearing up the town, it’ll take a few hours for me to get to your neck of the woods to bail you out.

  13. Elena Sonnino May 26, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    These messages from our body about limitations are so hard to accept. My hip or it band has been failing me for three months and I think I finally pushed it past the brink of no return last weekend with my sprint tri.  I am hobbling around and every ibuprofen pill mocks me with failure.  no fun.

    • The JackB May 26, 2011 at 11:13 pm

      @google-0352624b5a72b03965910efd0817218c:disqus Yep, it sucks-this aging thing isn’t something that I am willing to accept easily. I find it infuriating. We aren’t asking for much, faster metabolisms and some elasticity would be good.

  14. Elena Sonnino May 26, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    These messages from our body about limitations are so hard to accept. My hip or it band has been failing me for three months and I think I finally pushed it past the brink of no return last weekend with my sprint tri.  I am hobbling around and every ibuprofen pill mocks me with failure.  no fun.

    • The JackB May 27, 2011 at 7:13 am

      @google-0352624b5a72b03965910efd0817218c:disqus Yep, it sucks-this aging thing isn’t something that I am willing to accept easily. I find it infuriating. We aren’t asking for much, faster metabolisms and some elasticity would be good.

  15. Marianne Worley May 26, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    We are only 1 year apart in age, so I’m very familiar with the problem of the body failing. Multiple times I’ve felt me knee crunch or my ankle send up electric shocks or my back simply seize up entirely. I keep a bottle of Aleve on my desk now. It’s tough to deal with, but I’ve always had to “keep up” with someone because all of my siblings are at least 8 years younger than me. My youngest brother is 22 years younger! I don’t play the demanding games as much as I used to, but I will tell you, they are always happy to have me there watching and encouraging them.

  16. Marianne Worley May 26, 2011 at 11:13 pm

    We are only 1 year apart in age, so I’m very familiar with the problem of the body failing. Multiple times I’ve felt me knee crunch or my ankle send up electric shocks or my back simply seize up entirely. I keep a bottle of Aleve on my desk now. It’s tough to deal with, but I’ve always had to “keep up” with someone because all of my siblings are at least 8 years younger than me. My youngest brother is 22 years younger! I don’t play the demanding games as much as I used to, but I will tell you, they are always happy to have me there watching and encouraging them.

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