TheJackB’s Father’s Day Gift Guide

“I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts. I don’t know anything that mars good literature so completely as too much truth. Facts contain a great deal of poetry, but you can’t use too many of them without damaging your literature. I love all literature, and as long as I am a doctor of literature–I have suggested to you for twenty years I have been diligently trying to improve my own literature, and now, by virtue of the University of Oxford, I mean to doctor everybody else’s.” Mark Twain- Speech to the Savage Club, London, 7/6/1907

“You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.” Mark Twain

“Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Have you ever noticed that sometimes the post that you write doesn’t match the headline that you have written. It happens to me all the time. I suppose that you can attribute to composing at the keyboard. I don’t work with outlines. I simply write the tale that is being told inside my head. Ignore all that and keep reading. The good stuff is below.

Father’s Day is coming soon and I have a list of things that I want. Some of them might be more difficult to obtain but it doesn’t mean that I can’t dream, scheme or work to obtain them. So my friends here are some of the things that I would like.

1) A personal chef and trainer. Been looking at this 42 year-old body and it is showing signs of the mileage. Since I can’t trade it in I figure that it is time for a tune up. Note that I expect that along with the chef and trainer will be time to take advantage of their services. I figure that one way to do that is to have the studios use me as the star in some action film. I haven’t ever wanted to be an actor but damn if Keanu Reeves can do it so can I .

So Hollywood make me an offer, pay for the trainer/chef and then pay me to get back into the kind of shape that my body wants to be in.

2) A Paid Vacation– I haven’t had a paid vacation in years. I am ready to take time off where I don’t spend any time on the trip working, thinking about work or wondering if I should be thinking about work.

3) A Book Deal– It is on my bucket list, writing a book that is. I am ready to be paid to write the great American novel or maybe just the good one. Hell, pay me and I’ll write the average one. Relax, it won’t be average. You publishers don’t need to be nervous because the 17 long time readers of the blog, my family and five friends will buy copies of it. And 25 years after I die it will become required reading in school and students will come to hate my name as they will associate it with homework.

4) A New Car– I have a 2000 Honda CRV with 110,000+ miles on it. I’d like a convertible but I would settle for a new sedan that has some power under the hood.

5) A trip to Israel– Some of you might ask why this isn’t listed under paid vacation and to that I would answer because. Because I promise the kids that I would take them to see our family and friends. Because it will be an amazing trip but it is not going to be the relaxing trip that the paid vacation is. This will be great fun. I haven’t been back in far too long so I am ready and as mentioned the kids have never been.

6) An iPad2– Never thought that I would say it, but I am jonesing for one of those suckers and I don’t have the cash to buy it now. But that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t list it.

7) A Flatscreen TV– Don’t own one. Got an old 26″ Panasonic that works well and has been reliable, but I am ready to upgrade.

8) Peace of Mind– Had it, lost it and am looking hard for it. I expect that I will recover it sooner or later but don’t expect my sanity to come along with it. I lost that at birth I expect that we’ll be saying that I am still crazy all these years later forever. It is ok, I am good with it.

There is more to say and more to write but no time to do so. So for now I shall bid you adieu. Until we meet again….be good.

• Saved: Family, Father, Fathers Day