Can You Hear The Quiet Of Your Own Heart?
Reelin’ In the Years is playing in the background and I am staring at the picture of the Stockyards. Took that shot a week or two after I moved to Texas.
Stood there among the tourists and thoughts about how different yet similar I was to them. It was my first time there except the family from England was talking about how long the plane ride home would be and I was thinking about whether I would cook dinner for myself or grab a sandwich.
It was new to me but I wasn’t a tourist because Texas was home and it will be again. Feels strange saying that, surreal, different and weird because it is just one of those things that has to happen.
Texas has been in my heart for longer than I can remember and it holds its place with LA and Jerusalem. It took a piece of me and when I left I had to temporarily let go of that piece. Wasn’t easy to do, but it had to be done.
Children and Transitions
Had to do it because there was unfinished business in Los Angeles and I had to go back to take care of it. Had to listen to the quiet of my own heart and accept that everything had been turned upside down and inside out. Part of me fought that because I am not always good with change but when I closed my eyes and turned off the background noise I knew.
What I saw, what I heard and what I felt inside made it clear that there wouldn’t be any peace inside, no refuge, no calm unless I stepped through the door and I did it.
I did it because when I first left for Texas I promised myself that I would take possibility and turn it into opportunity. I had to find a new way and a new place because what had once been was no longer. Los Angeles is and was home, but it was a place where I had taken one hell of a beating.
Old man Steiner isn’t built for grace but endurance. I can sustain my effort for far longer than most and I can do so under horrific conditions and I did. But it wasn’t until I left that I gained the perspective to see how silly that was. There was no honor in taking that beating any longer than I had to but I couldn’t see it.
Once I left and saw how I could live elsewhere I understood things differently. That is part of what led to Life Is Meant To Be Traveled Along The Field Of Dreams.
Why Did You Do It?
My son was so upset when I first left he refused to talk to me. For two days he wouldn’t say a word. When I called home they would put the call on speakerphone and he would listen but he wouldn’t respond. I told him I had to leave and that I was doing it to build a better future.
His silence hurt but I told him I wasn’t going to turn around just because he didn’t like it or couldn’t see what I saw. I told him it would make more sense one day.
Last week he admitted that Texas has some things that attracts him too but said even if he moved LA would always be home. I laughed and told him I feel the same way.
“Can you hear the quiet of your own heart?”
He nodded his head and I smiled. “That is where this comes from for me. That is the sound I am following.”
I don’t know if he really understands but I feel confident that I have to follow it. Too many people let fear prevent them from taking a chance to really live, but not me.
Sometimes the only way to do that is step into the unknown and set aside your fears about looking foolish.
What If You Are Wrong?
A friend asked me what happens if I am wrong about the sound. What happens if this gut feeling is nothing more than gas pain. This isn’t about right and wrong but even if it was I would do it because sometimes you never know what can happen unless you try.
If you don’t open the door you will never see what lies on the other side and if you don’t walk through it you will never know what kind of opportunity you are passing up.
Sometimes you have to step off the cliff and learn how to fly on the way down and that is what I am doing.
It is why when my son said he didn’t want to go on the school trip he is on I said he needed to go. Sometimes you have to step outside your comfort zone.
Life is about living.