The Underwear Chronicles Of The Blogosphere

Mankini - Queen Victoria Market

Can you see me?

Sometimes people pitch me on products or services that I just can’t use or support because I don’t believe in them or because I can’t identify with the product.

Othertimes I can’t do it because I am not a cut rate blogger who will charge thousands of dollars to wear the Borat Mankini and make women around the world bleach their eyes or blush with anticipation.

I’d say Cue the Shmata Queen but that crazy broad might come after me with her giant black purse and I am too tired to duck but apparently not too tired to mess with her.

Instead I have decided to invest more time in my role as a Minister of Mishegoss and a Master of Meshugehnehs.

The Underwear Chronicles Of The Blogosphere

So not long ago a company reached out to me to ask if I would write about why shopping for underwear is so difficult for men and I told them I probably am not a good fit.

Why?

Because I said I shop naked and that probably makes me a bad person to speak with about underwear shopping.

You might wonder if I am being facetious but I assure you that I go command0 because it enables me to save time. When you shop naked you don’t have to worry about using a changing room so you never have to wait for one to be open nor do you have to wait in line for a cashier.

That is because the kind people at the store are always good about trying to help you move through there as fast as possible.

Sometimes they don’t make you pay either, but that might be because they don’t like where I store my bills and change.

When you don’t have pockets you have to make do.

And just to be clear, I am not talking about any back door action, no way, that is dirty.

Nah, you keep your cash natural, tucked under the boys or wrapped around your friend, kind of a like a cigar wrapper.

But you need to make sure you use some deodorant because sweat from your nether regions can make the ink on the bills run and you never want to answer your wife or girlfriend’s question about why your balls are green.

You can talk to them about blue balls and unless they are really mean they’ll understand and some of them might even volunteer to help you take care of that issue.

But green balls are a different story.

She really has to love you or she won’t go close to those suckers and then you end up with a whole different problem, not that I know anything about that because I have never been green.

I’d say I have never been blue, but some chicks are experts at creating a situation that they won’t help fix. Of course a gentlemen never pushes them to do so or tells them “That is ok, I am better at taking care of me than you are.”

Trust me on that, she’ll take that Mankini and make sure the thong part is pulled up so high you can hit High C.

***

Anyhoo, there has never been a time in my life in which I was shy or bothered about shopping for new underwear.

I never cared worried or wondered about whether I looked like the underwear models. Maybe it is because I used to swim competitively and when you wander around in Speedos that are so tight everyone knows whether you hang to the right or left something like boxers feels like a Burka for the boys.

You might wonder if old Jack Steiner the insouciant dad blogger who sometimes engages in keyword stuffing ever stuffed anything else or if he is just a master of hyperbole.

Well I can tell you when he is not talking about himself in the third person he’ll tell you that his forty-something year old body isn’t anywhere close to the hard body he once had.

Sure he can flex and see the cuts in his stomach but he is fairly certain no one else can and he just doesn’t care. Truth is he has never tried on underwear at a store because he knew what size he wore so he just picked up a package at Costco and went about his merry way.

And he’ll tell you that the idea of trying on underwear that he might not buy is weird and a bit disturbing. Would you really want to buy underwear that someone else once wore.

Side note, in college I had a minor disagreement with a guy who was sleeping with my ex.

Why?

Because I suggested that when he kissed her he might be able to taste my…sweat.

Are you thoroughly disgusted now?

He was and that was why he took a swing at me. Dude was lucky we weren’t close to a window because I would have defenestrated me.

Instead I put my size twelve boot against his ass and told him to walk away before I removed his ability to walk.

Aren’t men and their egos great.

Would Jack Wear a Mankini Like The Green One Above?

I don’t know, I might. Hard say whether I would or not.

I am pretty damn shy until I am not and then I am just unfiltered and willing to do whatever, whenever but that still doesn’t mean I would.

Back in the days when I was the young swimming lad of the lake I would have done it without thinking but now, I just don’t know.

Maybe for a laugh or maybe to encourage my children to listen. Something tells me I could motivate them to listen better, especially my daughter.

I might suggest that if she doesn’t change the tween attitude that I’ll show up at her school and then sing Hard to Handle in the quad.

That would get her attention.

Life is too short to take seriously, but if you really need to read a serious post check out the selection here.

And to think they wanted a post about underwear…

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8 Comments

  1. Rachel August 2, 2015 at 3:59 pm

    As I savor one of our last pool days, I will forever remember the words “green balls” now. And I was left thinking about the moment when you have to pay for milk and reach down into the naughty bits for cash. Love your sense of humor. As a lady, I can’t say I don’t know how to feel about the mankini until I see it flaunting all it’s glory. Great post and thoroughly enjoyed reading every word.

    • Jack Steiner August 3, 2015 at 10:08 am

      Thank you Rachel. Yeah, reaching down below is rarely something you can do without causing a scene. πŸ™‚

      We still have a ton of pool days left here, but sadly not many during summer break. School is almost back in session.

  2. Larry July 28, 2015 at 5:12 pm

    Shop commando. Where do you come up with this loony stuff?
    You couldn’t pay me enough to wear that thing above.
    Btw, who tries on underwear?

    • Jack Steiner July 28, 2015 at 10:57 pm

      Hi Larry,

      I can tell you where I come up with this material but it is a dark and lonely place so you might not want to wander in because once you do you might not ever leave. πŸ˜‰

  3. Janine Huldie July 28, 2015 at 7:47 am

    Well, I guess they got what they asked for with a post about underwear! Seriously, Jack best rebuttal to the idea of doing a sponsored post that just doesn’t fit with one’s blog ever! πŸ˜‰

    • Jack Steiner July 28, 2015 at 10:58 pm

      Thank you Janine. If people spend enough time sorting through the archives they’ll find all sorts of evidence that proves it doesn’t take much to bring out the inner wingnut inside me. πŸ˜‰

  4. cathyjonest July 28, 2015 at 3:25 am

    Jack, I’m laughing too hard to make much of a comment, except to say the idea of anyone trying on underwear before they buy it makes me gag a little. πŸ˜›

    Loved this post, first thing I read today. Always good to start with a laugh. Thanks.

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