Lost in thought again about whether things happen for a reason I move between reading my book back to the computer to write and check my stats I see someone has been reading Life Is Meant To Be Traveled Along The Field Of Dreams and I smile.
Been a while since I wrote that post but the timing is perfect and it fits the moment because the thing that has been chasing me has almost caught up and I know when it does for a moment we will Share The Private Secrets Of The Universe.
Can’t say if it will come during daylight or night, but I hope it is more than just a dream and thatI can remember it all because something tells me I’ll gain more clarity and insight about what life is about, at least for me.
So I lean back in my chair, smile again and wonder if things happen for a reason knowing full well I believe they do and swear they don’t.
I didn’t want to leave Texas and go back to LA.
Was desperate to see my children and to be dad in person and not by telephone but knew that I was living in the future I was trying to build and that going back would impact that.
Knew that even though I wasn’t truly going backwards in time in some ways it would be like I had and yet the only way to move towards the future was to do that.
Contradictions, life is full of them and sometimes doing the right thing for one means hurting another.
But you know old Jack Steiner hadn’t been humbled enough by life to believe that he couldn’t change things, make them happen by force of will and he tried.
Got slapped down, got back up and got slapped down…again.
Happened multiple times and though I teach my children to work smarter and not harder I am not good at taking my own advice.
So when they dumped gasoline over my head and threw me in the abyss I screamed “Fuck you, I’ll dance in the flames and build a ladder.”
And I did.
But by the time I managed to get out I found out that everything had changed and began to wonder if maybe I had made a mistake.
Wondered if maybe it wasn’t smarter to ignore all I had thought I knew and felt and to just take a different path.
After all I teach the kids to be prepared to pivot, duck, dance and adjust their way through the moments of life.
Why Is This Night Different From All Other Nights?
Sat next to my mother and down the way from my father at the first seder and tried to figure out how far back I could remember.
Closed my eyes and saw my grandparents, great-grandfather and great-grandmothers sitting around the table at my parent’s house and remembered 1974 or ’73.
Pulled up the memories of their voices and heard the echoes of accents and wondered what they would think if they could see me now.
Would I look anything like they imagined I might?
What would they think of my children and the lives we live today?
What advice or guidance would they share?
Got my thoughts and ideas but I don’t expect I’ll let you know if I ever receive confirmation. Don’t know that you would believe it if I said I did and am not sure if I would want to share it.
We go around the table and share the story of our ancestors and their exodus from Egypt. Part way through our meal we have the usual conversation about why 40 years of wandering through the desert is required.
The usual conversation about the importance of losing the slave mentality and learning to think for ourselves comes up and I know this part of is of particular importance.
It is another reminder about where I was and where I am going. Time was I might have seen that as being tied into a selfish and narcissistic moment but that is not how it feels today.
Why You Can’t See The Future
The kids and I have a conversation about how nice it would be if we could see the future and know what is going to happen.
I tell them the reason you can’t see the future is because if you knew what was coming you might not learn the lessons that you need to learn.
You might not force yourself to grow and you might be stuck with that slave mentality forever.
Don’t think they understand or appreciate it like I do and that is ok.
They haven’t lived as long or done as much and that is cool too. They are kids, they aren’t supposed to have the same experience.
Their journey has just started and I am somewhere around the middle.
The Beach Boys are singing God Only Knows and I am trying to wrap this up because I can’t keep going to sleep at 2 AM.
Got a mixture of fear and excitement stirring in my belly and a sense that the best is yet to come. Can’t wait to see what lies beyond that next corner, I bet it is going to be great.