The Angry Place
Angry music fills my ears and I feel my lips pull back into a snarl. I am in that place I hit when I go beyond anger. It is my own private refuge that I keep solely for me. Fury and fire have filled my soul and I have spent countless hours trying to release it. I put my trust in people and things that didn’t come through and now I pay the price.
Devastation and destruction fill my vision and I am surrounded with the sounds of sorrow. There is no silence and no succor to be found. Relief is something that I seek yet no matter where I go or what I try the pressure remains unrelenting and unremitting. I imagine that I am slowly sinking below the waves and experiencing the crushing power of the ocean depths.
Pounding. There is pounding and I wonder from where it comes. I have been lost at sea for so long I have no sense of what is real and what is not. Time is a foreign concept. I wonder how it is that I still feel the flames for I sunk under the waves long ago. I gave myself to the depths and surrendered my soul to whence it came.
Sustenance is something sought for but not obtained nor acquired. What I seek has been lost and now I wander where I will without direction. What was once found has been lost and until I find it within myself again I shall remain lost.
Elianahsharon June 12, 2011 at 6:11 pm
Huh.
Elianahsharon June 13, 2011 at 2:11 am
Huh.
Amber-Lee Dibble June 12, 2011 at 10:12 am
Jack~
The anger and immense rage that evolves from betrayal is the most overwhelming, suffocating, life-sucking-negative-force , we, as humans endure at times.
I fight, every single day, agoraphobia and depression in addition to living every day in the world that I share with other humans.
Your words are incredibly beautiful, as heart wrenching as they may be. And yes, you will find your way back from the crushing surf.
~Amber-Lee
The JackB June 12, 2011 at 1:10 pm
@twitter-169943607:disqus I don’t really expect anything different. I am far too stubborn to just give up- especially when someone fuels my fire. Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it.
Amber-Lee June 12, 2011 at 6:12 pm
Jack~
The anger and immense rage that evolves from betrayal is the most overwhelming, suffocating, life-sucking-negative-force , we, as humans endure at times.
I fight, every single day, agoraphobia and depression in addition to living every day in the world that I share with other humans.
Your words are incredibly beautiful, as heart wrenching as they may be. And yes, you will find your way back from the crushing surf.
~Amber-Lee
The JackB June 12, 2011 at 9:10 pm
@twitter-169943607:disqus I don’t really expect anything different. I am far too stubborn to just give up- especially when someone fuels my fire. Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it.
Andrew Syiek June 12, 2011 at 10:09 am
You will. You will rise to the top. You will gulp fresh oxygen and you will breathe deep and you will swim. You will then thrive once more.Â
The JackB June 12, 2011 at 1:11 pm
@twitter-82134350:disqus I am thriving now- just not as well I would like. 😉 All that being said it is always nice to feel the support of others and much appreciated.
Andrew Syiek June 12, 2011 at 6:09 pm
You will. You will rise to the top. You will gulp fresh oxygen and you will breathe deep and you will swim. You will then thrive once more.Â
The JackB June 12, 2011 at 9:11 pm
@twitter-82134350:disqus I am thriving now- just not as well I would like. 😉 All that being said it is always nice to feel the support of others and much appreciated.
CiaoMom June 12, 2011 at 5:34 am
All I can say is that I’ve been there, in my own way, and you can find it again eventually. (whatever your it is). Not saying it is easy but eventually, with baby steps, it can happen.
The JackB June 12, 2011 at 1:11 pm
@243ca4f0732470fd24cf042eee3aaae1:disqus I have no doubt that the sun will shine again- just very impatient. I don’t do well with baby steps- my feet are too damn big. 😉
CiaoMom June 12, 2011 at 1:34 pm
All I can say is that I’ve been there, in my own way, and you can find it again eventually. (whatever your it is). Not saying it is easy but eventually, with baby steps, it can happen.
The JackB June 12, 2011 at 9:11 pm
@243ca4f0732470fd24cf042eee3aaae1:disqus I have no doubt that the sun will shine again- just very impatient. I don’t do well with baby steps- my feet are too damn big. 😉
StartYourNovel June 12, 2011 at 4:04 am
Are you familiar with Paradise Lost, the doom metal band? This reminds me of their old song lyrics. A lot.
I know that feeling you describe. I know all about the search for the right face in the crowd, the magic words that will finally heal you, a longing for authentic, unmediated companionship.
Consider analyzing your text as a metaphor for the trauma of birth and expulsion from the womb. Your first relationship in the world is built entirely on nourishment and trust. After nine months, that dark ocean gives you up. Where’s mother’s heartbeat? Why’s everything entirely different now? For the first time, you experience cold with your skin, and sound without a protective barrier.
The “crushing power of the ocean depths” represents the lifelong quest for consolation. Because you know you can’t return to the womb, you turn your subconscious memory of prenatal life into something overwhelming and antagonistic.
I could go on and on about this. Suffice it to say: the best counter to that place beyond anger is the old zen adage, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”
You can never return to the womb. But you can and will find the answers you need if you stop assuming they are there. At least I hope so.Â
The JackB June 12, 2011 at 1:15 pm
@StartYourNovel:disqus I think that the answers are always there but the question is whether we are willing to accept that which we find.
In some cases the answer we receive is silence and while that is irritating/frustrating it is still an answer. The trick is trying to find a way to not just accept but do so peacefully.
The beauty of age is that I accept that I have a constant fire in my belly. With passion comes good and bad.
Don’t think that I know Paradise Lost, but I expect that I’ll go look them up. Hadn’t thought about this as a metaphor for leaving the womb but I can see how it fits.
Anonymous June 12, 2011 at 12:04 pm
Are you familiar with Paradise Lost, the doom metal band? This reminds me of their old song lyrics. A lot.
I know that feeling you describe. I know all about the search for the right face in the crowd, the magic words that will finally heal you, a longing for authentic, unmediated companionship.
Consider analyzing your text as a metaphor for the trauma of birth and expulsion from the womb. Your first relationship in the world is built entirely on nourishment and trust. After nine months, that dark ocean gives you up. Where’s mother’s heartbeat? Why’s everything entirely different now? For the first time, you experience cold with your skin, and sound without a protective barrier.
The “crushing power of the ocean depths” represents the lifelong quest for consolation. Because you know you can’t return to the womb, you turn your subconscious memory of prenatal life into something overwhelming and antagonistic.
I could go on and on about this. Suffice it to say: the best counter to that place beyond anger is the old zen adage, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”
You can never return to the womb. But you can and will find the answers you need if you stop assuming they are there. At least I hope so.Â
The JackB June 12, 2011 at 9:15 pm
@StartYourNovel:disqus I think that the answers are always there but the question is whether we are willing to accept that which we find.
In some cases the answer we receive is silence and while that is irritating/frustrating it is still an answer. The trick is trying to find a way to not just accept but do so peacefully.
The beauty of age is that I accept that I have a constant fire in my belly. With passion comes good and bad.
Don’t think that I know Paradise Lost, but I expect that I’ll go look them up. Hadn’t thought about this as a metaphor for leaving the womb but I can see how it fits.
Columbiarose June 11, 2011 at 10:03 pm
And yet, you will go on. No one will ever reach a full answer, full relief, and yet we ask: “why.” And stop to listen when another asks it.
The JackB June 12, 2011 at 1:17 pm
@122ade50fde0a2b1863cd8e040cd7d6c:disqus Not everyone does. I have seen a few break and wondered about it. That is not to say that I haven’t had my moments of doubt because I have had plenty.
But doubt doesn’t pay the bills, take care of my children or provide the other things I need to do. I handle that and I choose to feel even when it is unpleasant. It is all I know how to do.
Columbiarose June 12, 2011 at 6:03 am
And yet, you will go on. No one will ever reach a full answer, full relief, and yet we ask: “why.” And stop to listen when another asks it.
The JackB June 12, 2011 at 9:17 pm
@122ade50fde0a2b1863cd8e040cd7d6c:disqus Not everyone does. I have seen a few break and wondered about it. That is not to say that I haven’t had my moments of doubt because I have had plenty.
But doubt doesn’t pay the bills, take care of my children or provide the other things I need to do. I handle that and I choose to feel even when it is unpleasant. It is all I know how to do.