Archives for July 2011

The Phone Sex Surprise

2008.11.05 - My life story told by the cellphones I've owned

This is for those of you who weren’t able to disconnect from tech during the holiday weekend as well as those who aren’t citizens and consequently not celebrating the holiday. It is a recycled post from 2006.

Sometimes a misdialed telephone can lead to some interesting situations. It was Sunday afternoon. I was heading down the 210 towards Pasadena when my reverie was interrupted by the distinctive ring of cellphone. For those who are curious it was Ray Charles singing ‘What’d I say.”

I answered the phone and was surprised to hear a man say:

Man: “Maria, when I get to your house I am going to tear off your clothes and ravish your body.”
Me: “Uh, are you sure about that. I don’t think that I am who you want to speak with.”

This is why it is important to listen to what is being said to you.

Man: “I am going to do things to you that will make your body tingle.”
Me: “I’d prefer that you didn’t.”

You would think that he would have noticed that my voice is not the slightest bit feminine, but I suppose that he was lost in his fantasy. So, I figured what the hell and went with it.

Man: “Maria, your body tastes so sweet and your legs are so very fine.”
Me: “They are better when they are shaved, but thanks for noticing.”

Suddenly, the man on the other end realizes that there is something wrong.

Man: “Who the hell are you and where is Maria?”
Me: “I don’t appreciate your tone of voice.”

As you can imagine when he realized who he was speaking with he was less than thrilled. I was tempted to ask him where did our love go, but I make a lousy Diana Ross. In no time at all he was threatening me.

Man: “Listen you stupid dickhead. Put her on the phone immediately!”
Me: “Not until you apologize for using profanity.”

Ok, it probably was unfair of me to say that, but he was the phone who refused to listen to my initial protestations. Ladies, how do you ever put up with us.

Man: “Fuck you. You stupid jerkoff, I want to speak with her now.”
Me: “Sorry, her mouth is full.”

This must have been the wrong thing to say because all of a sudden there was a loud bang and a crash. And man, talk about swearing. The dude was spitting blood.

Man: “When I get there I am going to fucking kill you.”
Me: “No. You are going to take a deep breath and consider your actions. Then you are going to buy the biggest bunch of roses you can afford and thank G-d that you were smart enough not to do something really stupid.”

I am not quite sure what he said because it was basically unintelligible. By this point in time I was fighting hard not to laugh hysterically. It didn’t matter because the line went dead and that was it.

For a brief moment I wondered if he would hit redial and whether I had caused a problem. On the other hand, I tried to let him know that he had dialed the wrong telephone number.

This really was yet another example of the old adage of “look before you leap.”

My Two Favorite Versions of The Star Spangled Banner

And The Rockets’ Red Glare

I turned her world upside down and she screamed at me. “I hate you!” There was fire in her eyes and flames shooting out of her ears. I nodded my head and sat there in silence while she screamed. I waited for a moment and said that I was sorry and watched as she tried to process that. Tears streamed down her face and she screamed at me again but I still sat there in silence. I know her well and there wasn’t any point in saying anything because she wasn’t ready to hear me. So I opened my arms and she jumped on my lap and buried her head on my shoulder.

These are the moments that try your patience and hurt your heart because your job isn’t to make your children cry. Change is hard. It brings out fear uncertainty and insecurity. You do the best that you can to reassure them that everything is going to be ok but sometimes the only thing that helps is life experience and you can’t give them that. Her older brother wasn’t any happier than she was and in some ways that made it worse. In her eyes he is a bigger hero than I am and when she saw him cry it just made it worse.

They looked at me and asked why I wasn’t more emotional and I told them that it bothers me more than they know. This is not my first choice nor how I planned things. I did my best to explain to them that life is filled with moments that don’t go as we planned and that we need to try to roll with them. They didn’t bite on that nor did I really expect them to. I wasn’t surprised by their reactions. They have been telling me for months about their plans but I never told them that they would be for naught. I never let them know that they were dreaming of things that wouldn’t be.

I didn’t see a point to doing so. There was no benefit and I figured that I needed to travel down this road a bit farther. I needed to go down around the bend and see if there was anything that made me think things could turn out differently, but I didn’t. So it seemed to make more sense to wait until after the school year ended. I didn’t tell them about any of the other changes that I suspect are coming because there is no benefit to worrying about things that may not be. But I know things. I feel them and the storm that has passed over us hasn’t left us unscathed. There is more to come but it is unclear as to how those things will manifest.

My son wants to know how I can be so strong and how I can be so calm. I tell him that I am not as calm as I seem but that sometimes yelling doesn’t help. He tells me that he has seen me yell and he knows that I do it when I need to. I tell him that sometimes silence is more powerful than words but that it is not really applicable here. He asks me why I mentioned it and I say that it is because it is a discussion to be had in the future.

****The Bombs Bursting In Air****

My daughter’s kindergarten class used to sing with Lee Greenwood every day. Sometimes I’d make a point to show up at school early so that I could stand in the back and listen to 21 small voices sing this song. It was beautiful.

This past May my son went on a plane for the first time without his parents. It was surreal to think that he was finally old enough to travel without us. It was a school trip so I felt confident in sending him but it would be untrue if I said that I didn’t get a little nervous. I think that it was good for him and that it helped him grown and mature a little bit. I remember when he and his friends had little voices like his sister. They are still little but not like they were. I see signs of the pre-teen years coming and I am trying to prepare myself for the onslaught.

His stories are very different from my daughters. I watch him play with his friends just as I have watched her play and I remain convinced that gender plays a bigger role in how they play and interact. You can talk to me all you want about trying to be gender neutral but I don’t think that it matters.  We think differently.

It is close to 2 AM and I really need to get some more shuteye than I am getting but I haven’t quite said all that there is to say so I’ll stick around for just a little bit longer. I have links two posts that I wrote a while back that have caught my eye. Don’t know if it is because it is so late at night or if the words are resonating for other reasons but the rules of  the blog must be adhered to.

So I share links to Serendipity and I am My Own Worst Enemy. And as I prepare to shut down for the evening I have one more video but this time I’ll provide just the link. It is called Does Size Matter and it has been a favorite of many readers here on more than one occasion.

Sleep is required so I am off to dream about the things that fathers dream about, men think of and boys aspire to.

18 Reasons To Read This Blog

Sometimes I love using linkbait for my headlines. It reminds me a train wreck that you don’t really want to look at but you just can’t help it. Speaking of trains when I was a kid I used to love going to Traveltown to go see the trains. There was something about that place that felt magical to me which I suppose is one of the reasons why I took my children there too.

One of these days remind me to tell you about the time I took my son there and discovered a film crew trying to film adult stars engaging in adult activities. As a PSA let me add that you should never look at your wife and say that you didn’t know someone could be so flexible.  She won’t appreciate that you waited until you were in the car to say it and your three year old son will only make it worse by asking question.

Two nights ago I woke up to answer nature’s call and came up with an idea for an amazing post. Since it was 4:45 AM I mulled over starting my day early and then decided that I would be better served to get an hour more  sleep. Prior to going back to sleep I wrote myself a note about my idea and then gleefully headed back to the bed. I just knew that it was going to be something might go viral and that Oprah would be sad that she couldn’t have me on her show.

Three hours later I ran to my computer, grabbed the notepad I had used to memorialize my idea and then disaster struck. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say that by the light of day my idea looked like crap. To quote Blazing Saddles it was Authentic Frontier Gibberish that I couldn’t make heads or tails of. However it did make one hell of a paper airline that died an untimely death at the paws of a young puppy.

And now my friends I provide you with 18 reasons to read my blog. Here are 18 posts that my statcounter says are popular.  You’ll notice that almost half of them are about blogging which just goes to prove that the thing bloggers like to talk about most is blogging.  Got to run for a bit, it is nap time.

  1. Dealing With Divorce
  2. Why Your Post Sucks and Everyone Hates Your Blog
  3. And Justice For All
  4. The Best Cover Letter….Ever
  5. The Rules Of Blogging
  6. More Proof That Great Headlines Don’t Matter
  7. Facebooking Proves That Time Doesn’t Heal All Wounds
  8. The Easiest Way To Get Comments On Your Blog
  9. Some People Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Have Children
  10. Dear Angry Blogger
  11. Whiny Bloggers Quit Because It Was Work
  12. What Does Your Blog Say About You
  13. A Letter To My Children-2011
  14. I Survived The Rapture & All I Got Was a T-Shirt
  15. What Do You Call Your Blog?
  16. When Mean Girls Grow Up
  17. Dad Blogger Link Bait- The List You Wish You Were On
  18. 16: Moments- Our Lives Are Made Up of These

An Unfulfilled Promise

You or your character find a forgotten letter or card from someone important in your life–whether good or bad.  What does it say?  How does it affect you or your character?  What is done with it?


Hawkeye: “No, you submit, do you hear? You be strong, you survive… You stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you.“ Last Of The Mohicans

If you had seen his face you wouldn’t have known that the ghosts of his past had woken from their slumber and begun to rattle their chains.

They were supposed to be nothing more than words on a page, just a simple movie quote that Johnny had once shared with her many years before. They weren’t supposed to tear the scab off of a wound that had never healed. They weren’t supposed to stop him in his tracks and make him remember things best let forgotten, but they did.

They did because they were more than just words. It was a promise to someone who had long since left his life and a symbol of what he was willing to do for her.  It shouldn’t have hurt to read them, but it did. It did for a thousand different reasons not the least of which was the memory of how something beautiful had been broken. It did because he had meant it.

These were not words that he took lightly. He remembered the day that he had written the letter that contained those words and the thousand that came after them. She had read it twice and called him in tears demanding to know what it meant. He remembered it all and how she begged him not to give up because they still loved each other and he hadn’t.

That letter wasn’t supposed to be taken that way. He wasn’t trying to push her away. All he had wanted to do was be her hero but circumstances had come between them and he felt like she needed to take care of the things that only she could. It broke his heart to write it but it was also supposed to be comforting to her. It was supposed to be reassuring- something that she could hold onto when things got tough.

Neither one of them could have predicted just how tough it would become. They never believed that they could be ripped apart and forced to live separate lives. Yet that was what had happened and the world had not come to a screeching halt. The sun hadn’t exploded nor had the earth begun to spin backwards.


Sometimes he wondered if the universe really did send messages and or signs to people. He had been searching his files for business purposes and it had just popped up as part of the search results. Since so much time had passed he hadn’t thought twice about opening it. It was supposed to be fun. His intention was to glance at it and resume working but good intentions often go astray.

So he found himself remembering what was and wondering about what could have been. In the silent of the night he had sent her his blessing and asked the heavens to carry her in the arms of the angel.  It wasn’t easy to walk away but he had cloaked himself in hope and faith that the future would be better.

And now years later he discovered to his chagrin that some flames are never completely extinguished. The real question was whether to try and quench the flames or follow the path that his heart was constructing for him.

If you are interested in reading past submissions you can find a list of them below: