I can’t say that I screamed because of the pain because it didn’t hurt as much as it surprised and angered me. Those teeth found a soft and sensitive spot and it caught me off guard, but what really bothered me the most is that I made her cry.
Hadn’t been my intention but I must have scared her and she started crying so I wrapped her up in my arms and started rocking her back and forth.
It happened in the days before she understood our secret handshake but I like to think she knew about my promise to always protect and take care of her. Those tears made me feel like I had broken my word and that was a big part of what killed me.
Five Songs
- Levon- Elton John
- Someone Saved My Life Tonight- Elton John
- Get Lucky (feat. Pharrell Williams)-Â Daft Punk
- La storia de un soldato (The Story of a Soldier)-The Good, The Bad and the Ugly (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)
- Brothers In Arms- Dire Straits
A short time ago I checked in with my Facebook feed and discovered an old friend died yesterday. Haven’t talked to him in a number of years and I can’t say we were ever good friends but there was a time when I used to see him and his wife on a regular basis.
It was long before I was married or became a father and I don’t think I realized until tonight how he had influenced me. I am guessing he was around sixty-something or so, old enough to have grown children and grandchildren but still younger than my parents.
Young enough for me to realize that when I knew him he probably was around the age I am now.
And though it was subtle influence upon me it was enough for me to be grateful and to be sad he is gone. It makes me think about what should happen when we die and what I want for me.
This. This feeling of loss is what I want people to feel and though you may not believe this, it is not because of my ego. It is not because I want people to weep, wail and shout because of sadness.
I want them to feel badly because I made a difference in lives and that not having me around provides a hole.
Maybe It is Ego
Maybe it is ego but I can promise you some of it is tied into my children and my desire for them to see the importance of giving back. I want them to understand you do for family and you do for others.
I want them to understand a healthy and educated society is better for both selfish and moral reasons. I want them to see a rising tide helps all ships and that there is nothing wrong with helping others.
And I want them to be educated so if they live through hard times they know enough to figure out how to cope, adapt, adjust and overcome.
When I die I want it said of me that I did those things and I hope in the process I helped change some lives, helped improve them. Don’t want or need a plaque, award or medal for that, just the knowledge that I did it.
Speaking of Plaques
Sometimes I look around at schools and organizations I have been a part of and laugh because I am sitting in the Steiner Hall. I laugh because it has always seemed to me to be a silly gimmick to convince a donor to write a really big check so they could get their name on a building.
I laugh because I have a long standing dream to mock some of this by making plaques for everything. You are sitting on the Steiner toilet seat, using the Steiner spoon, resting under the Steiner tree and enjoying the benefits of Steiner largesse.
Maybe this is why I am not usually the person making telephone calls asking for donations. Insouciant and unfiltered I am not necessarily the guy who people want doing hand holding with the important donors, unless they have a thicker skin.
I Wiped Away Her Tears
I remember wiping away her tears and softly promising to do my best not to make her cry again. I remember staring into her dark eyes and telling her I was sorry for scaring her and explaining that it hurt when she bit daddy.
She might have been around 2.5 or so, I just don’t remember. What I know for certain is there has never been a time where I looked into those eyes and didn’t feel grateful for her presence or worried about how tightly she’d wrap me around her finger.
Daughters are special.
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TheJackB October 3, 2013 at 9:20 am
Motherese I can’t stop laughing thinking about the mop bucket, toilet roll etc. You and I are on exactly the same page with this. 🙂
Daughters are special, so very special.
Motherese October 2, 2013 at 7:52 am
Daughters are special and your timing is eerie. My own daughter – who is 2 1/2 – recently bit me in the middle of a tickling/cuddle session. She was so distraught when I yelled, “Ouch!” It was pretty powerful to see how badly she felt for hurting me.
My husband and I follow the Torah’s call for anonymous giving. I hate to admit that I sometimes wish my name could appear on one of those lists of “generous donors,” but then I have to check myself and examine what my motivation is for giving in the first place: to give because someone is in need, not because I want to hear him say, “thank you.”
Although, now you’ve got me thinking about some new possibilities…the Kristen mop bucket, the Kristen toilet paper roll holder…the possibilities are endless. 😉