Random Thoughts

This a list of things that have frightened me in my life. Some are still relevant and some are not. But I thought that it might be interesting to just throw them all out there to see what they look like during daylight hours. P.S. I have explanations for all of these, but I may not include them on the list. Why? I just don’t feel like it. 🙂

1. The Dark
2. The Amityville Horror scared me.
3. Oscar the Grouch
4. Bigfoot- The one from the Bionic Man television Show. He gave Steve Austin plenty of trouble.
5. The Creature in the Legend of Boggy Creek
6. A couple of dogs that chased me on my paper route.
7. The homeless guy from the park.
8. V.L.- He and I got into a fight in high school. I pretty much kicked his ass up and down the corridor, but I do remember shaking with adrenalin afterwards. For about two weeks I was concerned that I was going to have to face him and his older brother again.
9. Having my heart broken again
10. Breaking someone’s heart
11. Not being able to provide for my family
12. Letting my children down
13. Not making it to the bathroom in time.
14. Finding out that I have a child that I didn’t know about.- Ladies this is never a problem for you, but we men wonder about this sometimes.
15. Being mugged at an ATM- When I was in college a guy was murdered at the ATM I used that day. It was several hours after I had used it, but….
16. Something happening to my children.
17. Getting stuck at a job I hate
18. Never living out my dreams.
19. Being paralyzed
20. Losing a parent/close friend or family member- Actually I have lost several friends and family members, but it is still a fear.
21. Losing my perspective on life and why most of these things are nonsense.

Yes, it is true. I have a dysfunctional digestive system. I am not in the mood to give you the exact title and definition. For the purpose of this post it really doesn’t matter, in part because I haven’t the foggiest idea where I am taking this yet.

Like a lot of my writing it is a journey in which I go whichever way the road takes me. If I head up the 101 I may stop at the Big Yellow House in Summerland, Pea Soup Andersens in Buellton or some other joint for no good reason other than I feel like it.

Although the reality is that my dysfunctional digestive system often requires me to make adjustments on the fly. I may be king, but the stomach is the cruel emperor and upon occasion it requires attention. It brooks no disobediance, when the call comes I must heed it quickly or risk a messy situation. Thus far I have proven to be the victor. The secret has been determination, the ability to thread through traffic at high speeds, the willingness to use the great outdoors and a very strong sphincter. I know, that is really graphic, but this is stinky business.

My dysfunctional digestive system has played a sizeable role in my life. At times I have skipped social events and have been late to work several times. When I was younger I was late on dates and actually missed a few. But there was no good way to say to these women that I would be happy to go out to eat, but I am not eating. As I recall from my dating days about half of them would order and then not eat anyway.

Some attribute my my dysfunctional digestive system to diet. That is only partially true, sometimes it doesn’t matter what I eat, it punishes me. So to piss it off I eat all of the foods that I am not supposed to. Nothing like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

My dysfunctional digestive system is an attention whore. It is not uncommon for my stomach to rumble loudly, so loudly that people nearby can hear it. And it is not uncommon at dinner parties for the host/hostesses to worry that they have poisoned me because of the rumbling.

But there are worst things. Some of the bits that you have seen in the movies have happened to me. I have gone back to my date’s apartment for a nightcap and had to suddenly rush to the bathroom. Better yet, the bathroom was occupied by the roommate and when finally available I discovered that it did not have a fan or toilet paper.

SO I know that you are asking yourself why would someone sit down without checking for toilet paper. And to my female readers I ask a similar question. How hard is it to check and see if the seat is down.

The lack of a fan has also been problematic. All that rumbling results in action, expressive bodily functions that are not “appropriate” for sharing that early in the dating process. Sometimes I have demonstrated my tremendous ability to sing loudly. Did I ever mention that, I can really belt it out. The problem is that most people find it to be more exciting to be belted rather then listen to the soft, sweet dulcet tunes I produce.

Another fine aspect of my dysfunctional digestive system is my tremendous ability to imitate a balloon. Sometime my dysfunctional digestive system blows me up like one big bloated object. Too bad it doesn’t make me lighter than air, I would be pleased to float all over and my dysfunctional digestive system also provides the power to propel me forward.

Maybe I’ll contact the patents office and try and determine if I am able to put a patent together on this idea. It could solve my commute problem.

Student Charged With Clogging Toilet

PORT OF SWEET GRASS, Mont. – Jesse Huffman insists he didn’t do it on purpose, but the toilet he left plugged after “nature called” at this border crossing in north-central Montana has him facing criminal charges.

Toole County authorities charged the 19-year-old college student from Great Falls with criminal mischief after a border agent accused him of intentionally clogging the toilet.

Huffman said the clogged piping was completely unintentional, the result of an urgent, but natural bodily function.

“I’ve never been arrested before or anything like that, and I get arrested for taking a dump,” said Huffman, a student at Montana State University in Bozeman.

Huffman was returning to Montana from a trip to Lethbridge, Alberta with four friends Saturday. Port authorities stopped their car for what was apparently a random search. The car’s 19-year-old driver was cited for illegally possessing alcohol.

Huffman said he asked to use the bathroom while waiting for the driver.

A short time later, a port inspector discovered the toilet was clogged and threatened charges, Huffman said.

Cory Grayson, one of Huffman’s friends, said he couldn’t believe it when border agents first threatened charges.

“I didn’t think they were serious at first, I was just laughing so hard,” he said.

Port Director Larry Overcast said he could not comment on the case.

Huffman said he has hired an attorney and intends to fight the charge.

And it comes as no surprise that my response is that this proves that he “is full of it.”

I have to admit having been concerned about this from time to time.

Natalie Portman ‘ordered to stop filming lady’s house: “The cast and crew of ‘Garden State’, directed by ‘Scrubs’ star Zach Braff, were only allowed to use one bathroom between 50 of them while filming scenes in the woman’s home. “