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The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

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Archives for October 2010

The Talking Penis- A New Bathroom Adventure

October 29, 2010 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

Longtime readers are well aware that there are plenty o’adventures to be had in a bathroom. I have written about his on numerous occasions. For those who have missed those stories here are a few of them:

Jack’s Experience In the Ladies Room
Bathroom Etiquette
The GermoPhobe
A Little Digestive Distress- Chicken Vindaloo

If you read those then you just never know what is going to happen in a public place, especially a public bathroom. This is the tale of one of my experiences.

Let me set the scene. I enter a public restroom. Against the far wall there is a line of a half dozen or so urinals, only one of which was in use. If you are familiar with urinal selection strategy this is a good thing as it provides much to choose from.

As I had enjoyed plenty o’coffee I had need of one and so I headed down the line a couple places past a gentleman at the front. He was a big guy, had to be at least 6’2, dark hair and wearing a dark suit. Not that I was looking hard, but I had to pass by him on the way to my own urinal.

As I moseyed on up to my special place I realized that he was saying something, but it was a bit muffled. I didn’t know if he was speaking to me, so I paused for a moment to listen.

Man: What are you afraid of? Why are are you waiting? Just do it.

It took a moment to realize that he wasn’t speaking to me and instead was speaking to himself. I probably wouldn’t have thought twice about it but what he said made me stop what I was doing.

Warning, this next part is going to be a little graphic, but it is an important part of setting the scene.

As you can imagine I was a little surprised by this. At the exact moment that he was speaking I had reached into my own pants and had my friend in my own hand. There was business to be taken care of and this other guy is babbling about fear, but that wasn’t all.

Man: We have done this a thousand times. You can do it, just relax.

Men, have you ever tried to urinate while the guy down the way is giving his penis a pep talk. I have to tell you, it is more than a little distracting. I must have coughed or done something to indicate that I was aware of him because the next comment was directed to me.

Man: Don’t you speak to your penis?
Jack: Not usually, I am not sure that I ever do.

Man: I speak to mine and he answers me.
Jack: Really?

Man: He is my best friend.
Jack: Is there a camera in here?

Man: I don’t think so. I am serious, I always talk to my penis.
Jack: Did anyone ever tell you that your best friend is a dick.

Man: It is not a joke. I use special visualization techniques to improve my performance.

I remember thinking, ” what the hell is going on here!” All the while I am looking for a camera because I am convinced that I am being filmed for some crazy television show.

Man: They have conducted studies that prove that you can do better in every aspect of your life. All you need to do is think about it.

Jack: I have heard about some of those studies, but I can’t say that I remember being told to speak to my penis.

Man: You have to try it. It will make a big difference in your life. I know it sounds weird, but it works.

Now I am tolerant of many things and find people to be amusing, but I have to admit that the man with the talking penis was making me less than comfortable. So I did my best to finish what I was doing and get out of there.

As I was washing my hands the juvenile kid that lives inside my head decided to make an appearance. “My penis says goodbye,” I shouted as I dried my hands.

To which I received the following answer:

Man: Ted says goodbye to you too.

And with that I was left to ponder a few things. Who was Ted? Was that the name of the man or what he calls his penis. And when he said goodbye which form of the word “to/too/two” was he using.

Was it singular, or was he saying goodbye to my penis and myself. More importantly, did I really want to know the answer to that question.

I didn’t bother to turn around and ask. I just kept walking. In the end I decided that it was better for him to think that my penis and I are rude because there are some questions that I just don’t need an answer to.

(originally posted here)

Filed Under: Uncategorized

The Fear of Failure

October 29, 2010 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

It is time to update this post so if you have seen it before I encourage you to keep reading because there is new material.

“If I find 10,000 ways something won’t work, I haven’t failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.’
Thomas A. Edison

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
Thomas A. Edison

I suppose that sounds rather New Agey, but anytime I am feeling like I have failed to succeed I try to take a look at these two quotes. Actually there are a bunch of others that I like to read, but I didn’t have time to include all of them.

And that leads me to my next point/comment. The moments that I find that I am most disappointed with myself are tied into the fear of failure, not failure, but the fear of it. It is much easier to live with knowing that you tried than to say that you never did.

“Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.”
Bertrand Russell

“If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way.”
Bertrand Russell

I look at these quotes and ask myself many questions. I wonder if my beliefs are based upon reality or faith. And if they are based upon faith I ask myself does it really matter because there are some things that you cannot prove in terms that scientists would accept. So when it comes to faith I wonder am I helping or hurting myself.

And I look at these quotes and I ask myself if I am living the kind of life I want to live or if I allow fear to control my actions. Am I living or passing through. Because I don’t want to just pass on through this world. I want to live a life that is worth writing and reading about. I want to live a life that I can look back upon with pride and say that I did all that I can do.

The answer is that sometimes the fear of failure has held me back. Sometimes I have stood back in the shadows because it was safer to be there than to step out onto the hot coals. Life is about balance- sometimes the shadows beckon and there is reason to stand among them. But there are also those moments where you must engage in firewalking because to not do so would be to allow the fear of failure more control than it deserves.

Balance is what I seek.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Goodbye Grandma

October 28, 2010 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

In Dublin’s fair city, where the girls are so pretty
I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone
As she wheeled her wheelbarrow through streets broad and narrow
Crying cockles and mussels alive a-live O!

A-live a-live O! A-live a-live O!
Crying cockles and mussels alive a-live O!

Molly Malone

Yesterday was my grandfather’s 96th birthday or should I say that it would have been. Hard to believe that so much time has passed and yet not hard at all. I look at my life today and shake my head in amazement. Four years later grandpa would be shocked to see how much has changed, how much has not and how much will be changing…soon.

Four years ago the dark haired beauty was a toddler who didn’t understand death. Now she is pushing 6.5 and has no memories of the man I miss. She recognizes his face in pictures but doesn’t know that those blue eyes had a special twinkle and no memory how he would sing Molly Malone…badly.

I don’t have to close my eyes to hear him or to remember how he would tell me that he didn’t “sing good, but he sang loud.”

So much has happened since then. The boy I wrote about in Walking With The Dead is far bigger and understands life in different terms now. In some respects you can blame him for some of this. I have never forgotten when he asked me not to die.

But in some ways this particular post is driven by my grandmother.

I love you grandma

Grandma died this past March. She died the night of my 14th wedding anniversary, so it is only fitting that somehow her children chose the same granite for her headstone that graces my kitchen counters. The next time I make a brisket I might take some of the juice to the cemetery for the sole purpose of spilling it on her stone. Something tells me that she wouldn’t mind.

There was a time just a few short years ago when my grandfather told me that my grandmother had a great ass for an old lady. I must have given him a funny look because he smiled and told me that he still saw the girl that he fell in love with. He said that he had never been given a greater gift than being loved by grandma and that just holding her hand made him happy.

I never doubted any of that and I suspect that no one who knew my grandparents did either. They were that couple, the one who had the relationship that you wanted to have. Best friends, lovers, partners and life companions.

When I think about my grandfather’s comment it is hard not to smile. It was said with a twinkle in his eye and a giggle like he knew that he was getting away with something. But that is because he was. It was the sort of thing that would have made grandma make a face at him but she still would have smiled. They were married for more than 75 years so she was well accustomed to his comments and habits.

Life never stops moving. Seven years ago I had four grandparents and now I have one.

Related Links:

What I Fear
Do The Dead Walk In Dreams
Beloved Wife
Loss- A Familiar Pain
The Cemetery- Who Is In the Box
Dad, I Didn’t Get To say Goodbye
Grandma’s Dying & Grandpa Has Cancer
Five Years Later
We Aren’t That Family
Mothers Love Their Mommies Too

Filed Under: Life and Death

A Letter To A Girl Who Was

October 28, 2010 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

I was made to love her,
Worship and adore her,
Hey, hey, hey.

All through thick and thin
Our love just won’t end,
‘Cause I love my baby, love my baby. Ah!

My baby loves me,
My baby needs me,
And I know I ain’t going nowhere.

I was knee high to a chicken
When that love bug bit me,
I had the fever with each passing year.

Oh, even if the mountain tumbles,
If this whole world crumbles,
By her side I’ll still be standing there.

‘Cause I was made to love her,
I was made to live for her, yeah!

Ah, I was made to love her,
Built my world all around her,
Hey, hey, hey.”
 I Was Made To Love Her– Stevie Wonder

Hey woman, it is me again. Yeah, I know you can’t figure out what I see or why I keep this up. You’re tactile and concrete in your world view. The queen of low expectations who likes to think that she is logical and rational, but I know better. You are one crazy broad and I don’t care.

I don’t care because you are the one who fills me up and makes me happy. You drive me crazy with some of your completely ridiculous habits and your nonsensical proclamations. No one does a better job of infuriating me. No one makes me angrier and no one makes me feel sadder. I once told you that you were the best thing and the worst thing that ever happened to me.

How is that for a start to a love letter. But the reasons I love you can’t be written down and checked off like some cockamamie grocery list. You can’t apply logic to love and you can’t ignore your heart. You can try and ignore it, you can come up with reasons to stay angry and use those to keep me at a distance. You can come up with a million reasons why it shouldn’t happen and so can I.

As a matter of fact I have. I know why and how. I get it and I dismiss it because as your partner I am the one who understands dreams and recognizes that sometimes we can be more than we are. I know these things because they occupy a place inside me that cannot be ignored or dismissed. I can’t forget or ignore who I am without you and who I am with you.

Can’t pretend that it didn’t happen. Can’t ignore the past, but I can see the future. Can see the possibilities and I can’t stop chasing them. Can’t pretend that a life without you is the kind that I want to live. Don’t go off half cocked and worry that I am going to kill myself because that is not going to happen. I am too freaking strong for that, too stupid and too stubborn.Too crazy by half to wreck the chance of holding you again.

If it never happens that will be tragic and the angels will weep and the heavens will open up with a torrential downpour and a lightning storm such as the world has never seen. But it would be nothing compared to the storm that rages within me at the idea of just giving up. Nothing compared to the pain I feel at the thought of not trying.

So as I tell you now and have said before- I will jump headfirst into the flames. I will burn and ache because you are worth it to me. I will do it because you brought me back to life. You rescued me when I had no idea that I was almost dead. You took my heart and taught it to beat and soothed my soul. You reminded me that the world is filled with magic and helped me recognize that there is something more out there.

Is it hard to read this. Is it hard to write. Is it all difficult and crazy. Yes to all of the above. There is a class out there that we can teach and many that we should take together. There is a world that is waiting for us and a chance to be the people that we want to be. We don’t have to wear these shackles or to be prisoners of circumstances.

Take my hand…please…I don’t beg anyone or lay my throat bare for anyone. You know this, you have always known it. So to the one person who sees me for who I am I ask, take my hand. If you do I promise one hell of a ride. Stop blushing, I didn’t mean it that way, but ok, go ahead and blush ‘cuz…well you know.

Give me your hand and I will make like Samson and tear down the walls of this prison. Give me your hand and I will be Popeye on spinach and Bluto will have no hope. Take my hand and fly for a while. Live your dreams, don’t dream your life.

(yes, this is a recycled post but it is up again for good reason. New material is coming quite soon)

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Hey Shmata Queeen

October 28, 2010 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

Hey Shmata Queen- Not sure if you are going to come by today but I wanted to point out that I was right…again. Go read It Is Just Unfair and then tell me to stop lording it over you.  I know, I am a pain in the ass. The crazy Taurus who tamed the even crazier Virgo.

It was done using exceptionally complex mathematical equations, numerous quotes from Bertrand Russell, Barry Manilow, Neil Diamond and 23 pounds of Godiva Chocolate.

Mind you that it took great skill and agility to avoid being smacked in the head by that exceptionally large black purse she carries. Someone ought to take that away from her long enough to remove the rocks from it. Sheesh.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Of Bullies, Blogging and Hell

October 27, 2010 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

There are some outstanding posts here that are just beggging to be read by you. Go on now, don’t leave them waiting around.

  • When Bloggers Bully
  • More fun Than A Root Canal
  • The Many Layers of Hell
  • The Red Dress
  • Must Blogging Have a Purpose
  • Facebook Privacy Issues
  • Teach Your Boy To Pee Like A Man

And your blasts from the past:

The Fear of Failure
You Used To Let Me See You
Dad, Can You Teach me About Girls

Filed Under: Uncategorized

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