Archives for November 2010

It is another Friday night and I am back at the computer again. Back because I have work to do, stories to write, bills to pay, and a million other things that require my attention. Back because I can’t rest or relax. Back because sometimes this is how I relax.

I sit down at the keyboard and start typing out my thoughts, feelings and ideas about whatever tickles my fancy. And so I am back here mulling over the end of another week and the realization that 2010 is just about over. It is hard to believe that the year has come and gone with the kind of speed that this one has passed through.

If you look back at the beginning of the year you’ll see that I shared two thoughts/themes for the year. 2010 was supposed to be the year of Jack and the year of the daddy blogger. I called it the year of Jack in response to 2009. I called it the year of Jack because 2009 was the easily among the worst years of my life. If life mirrored bad sitcoms than 2009 ranks right up there. I turned 40 and found myself mired in hell, trying to figure out how to keep from going under.

Sometimes when I look back I wonder how it is that I kept things going. I shake my head and think that it must be a combination of being stubborn and stupid. Too stupid and or too stubborn to give up I kept on pushing forward. Kept on walking when it felt like I was getting my ass kicked and there was nothing that I could do but take a beating. Kept on walking when my nature told me to turn around and give as good as I got- but the thing was that there wasn’t anyone to fight. It wasn’t one thing or a person. It was a million little cuts and I was one of a million who was getting battered.

So here I am at the tail end of 2010 and I can say that things improved. I can say that in some areas I made exceptional progress and for that I am grateful. Still, there have been some very dark moments and I know that I am not quite through it all yet. I suspect that I am going to be required to pour gasoline over my head and jump back in the fire.

It sounds ridiculous and feels stupid to write those words but that is what it feels like. How absurd is it that I have to engage in some stupid fraternity initiation in order to get beyond the challenges. Yet this isn’t a fraternity, club or gang that I am pledging. This is just life and I can’t get around some of these things. It is not for lack of effort, plans or careful strategy. Sometimes the only way to get beyond the minefield is to walk through it.

If that is what it takes to push ahead and forge a new future than so be it. But let’s be clear, I wouldn’t bet against me. Wouldn’t bet against me because I am a father and fathers do what they must, Wouldn’t bet against me because I am still just as stubborn and stupid as before. Wouldn’t bet against me because I can see the shore and experience has taught me that success is predicated on being able to sustain your effort and that I can do.

I can persevere and I can sustain. Though it is challenging and at times painful I have done it and will continue to do so. So perhaps 2010 hasn’t been everything that I would like it to be, but there is nothing saying that I can’t hit 2011 like a demon. Nor is there anything that says that 2011 can’t be what I hoped 2010 would be.

Here is some unsolicited advice for any who wish to take it. It is always worth considering whether the post in your head is blogworthy. Take a moment to consider what you are doing and what you hope to accomplish. Spend a minute asking yourself if you could say the same thing in person and you’ll likely save yourself some grief.

In the early days of my blogging career when I was completely anonymous I had very few rules for what I was willing to post. If I felt like writing about something than I did so. Since I had almost no readers it didn’t occur to me that there was any reason to censor myself. And for the most part I really didn’t.

Over time my feelings on the matter evolved and I found that I was beginning to develop unwritten rules for what I was willing to discuss online and what was left unwritten and unsaid. You can attribute the genesis of this to having people who know me discover this place. It wasn’t so much that what I said was so embarrassing, but there were topics there that I didn’t want to discuss with real people.

One of the other factors was in how I viewed The Shack. It wasn’t just something that I had done for a lark. No longer was it solely a short term project that I was going to fumble with for a while. It became a real hobby and something that I enjoyed.

As I became more serious about it I also became more concerned with the quality of the posts. It became more important to me that the things that went up had a bit more substance than some of the earlier crap. That’s not to say that crap doesn’t find its way onto these pages. It does. But now there is sort of a formula that I follow.

I am more conscientous about trying not to post things that would embarrass others. Since I am willing to say just about anything to anyone that leaves a lot of room. But even so it doesn’t mean that I am willing to go hog wild. It also means that I try not to engage in angry blogging.

Still I have to say that there are going to be contradictions. I use this place to air out the thoughts rolling around my melon. I use this place to document my life and to practice my writing.

With all those things in mind I am also careful about how much rewriting and editing I do. You can almost always improve a post by running through it several times. But since I like to use this as a workshop I am less inclined to do so. I kind of like to give things a rougher look.

I didn’t want to answer the phone and most of the time I wouldn’t have. The call came through on the house line and had I responded the way I normally would have it would have gone straight to voicemail. Those who I wish to speak with are given my cellphone- the direct line that I carry upon me most of the time.

The other line is still active for emergency purposes. It is proven technology and in the case of an earthquake or some other disaster it is there for us to use. But ten years or so ago when we first got that number it was the primary line so some friends and family still use it.

When it rang twenty-five minutes ago I glanced at the Caller ID and noticed that it said Incomplete Data. Usually that would have been enough to ignore but this time I chose to answer it. Chose to answer it because I needed a two minute break from work and because I was curious.

I recognized that voice on the other side instantly and wondered why they chose to use the house line. They had come down with the kids to spend Thanksgiving with their family. Ninety seconds later I understood why they chose the house line. Ninety seconds later I learned that my dear friend is in the hospital and about to undergo emergency surgery.

It is the night before Thanksgiving and I am grumpy, irritated and frustrated. I have a long list of reasons why and had I not received that call I would be stationed here at the computer with a bad headache, a stomachache and a chip on my shoulder.

Frustrated because in spite of my best efforts certain things haven’t gone as I wish. Irritated because I have been diligent in attending to them and have gotten stuck because of someone else. I am cleaning up someone elses mess. Their screw up has become my problem.

But that telephone call provided perspective. It provided a reminder that I am lucky. It was a sign, a beacon that I can hear clearly that it could be worse. I don’t always respond to those things. Yes, it is true that life can always be worse but my problems don’t go away because someone else has problems.

I don’t say that without sympathy or compassion for others. It doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in trying to help lend a hand. It just is how I operate. The fact that it could be worse doesn’t typically motivate me to be happier or work harder. Those things come from different places.

But this call changed that and reminded me that sometimes it is important to remember that it could be worse. This time I’ll take an extra moment to be thankful for what I have and remember that I while I may not look like I am still 20 I am in decent shape.

So I am thankful for that and for the health of my family.I am grateful. And here on Erev Thanksgiving, the night before I say thanks again and pray for my friend because it really could be worse.

Here is what you have missed:

• Johnny’s Thanksgiving
• Cookie Monster Auditions for Saturday Night Live
• The Search For Answers About Our Ourselves
• Is Social Media Making You Anti-Social
• Monday Morning Music Thanksgiving Week
• I Hate The Holiday Season
• Dancing With Reckless Abandon
• Wii Party Like Bad Bad Leroy Brown

And your blast from the past:
Inside the Blogger’s Studio- A Dream, Er Nightmare
You are Not Funny Nor Wise