Life

Some people might say I am the chicken in the picture above because I haven’t had some important conversations.

It bothers me not because I care about whether people think I am being a chicken but because I think I am.

What we think and how we feel about ourselves is almost always more important than what others say or see.

That is a lesson I impress and reimpress upon my children because it is that important.

Our self-esteem impacts everything about us and while it can be problematic to have an inflated sense it is just as bad to have none.

The People That Are Important To You

I have watched my children navigate friendships throughout their entire lives and have seen it evolve from the playdates of their very young childhood to middle/high school relationships of the present.

Some friendships fizzled out and others have endured for all of the same sometimes inexplicable reasons we have experienced in our adult lives.

Sometimes it has led to hard moments for the kids and they have asked me for help in managing things.

“Go the distance for people that are important to you. Don’t let friendships wither and die because you didn’t say the things that need to be said.”

That is what I have said to them.

I have told them about D and how he died and how 18 years later I still miss that guy.

I should have told him I loved him like a brother and made it clear how much I valued his friendship.

Not because he didn’t know, because he did but some things mean more when we say them out loud and in person.

And the reason I am feeling torn up is I haven’t taken my own advice.

Ask me why and I’ll tell you it is a timing thing and I’ll say that it is not an excuse because timing can be critical.

Timing affects whether people are ready/willing to hear what you have to say and the words I haven’t shared yet haven’t been said because I don’t think they would be heard now.

But it isn’t easy for me to sit and wait.

And now a musical interlude.

Force The Circle Into The Square

If my 12 going on 30-year-old daughter was here she’d ask me how I could listen to Toby Keith and David Bowie right after each other and I’d tell her dad is a man of diverse tastes and complications.

I suspect she and I are heading towards a time when we’re going to have some more serious conversations about certain similarities in our personalities.

And I imagine that there are going to be some real interesting ones involving the differences between how boys and girls approach friendships/relationships.

Sometimes I think the big challenges come from those differences and how it can feel a bit like we are trying to force the circle into the square and vice-versa.

That is probably part of why I am feeling unsettled about this and why I am frustrated I haven’t been able to say what needs to be said.

But I am going with my gut and listening to my heart here. I am holding back because I don’t think if I tried to start the conversation it would be accepted.

Eventually there may come a time when I’ll have to speak my piece because timing doesn’t always cooperate with us, but for now I suppose I’ll sit on hands a bit longer.

That is really not easy for me. I am the guy who wants to say what is on my mind and get it out on the table because you can’t deal with things unless you talk about them.

Or maybe the real problem is the chicken thinks it is easier to say he can’t talk now because he fears what will be said in response and it is easier to blame it on timing.

Fathers Go The Distance

The other thing to share here is I can’t be the father who ignores his own advice.

I won’t say I never do the old “do as I say not as I do” thing but I make a real effort not to and in this case I am going to do as I say.

I’ll wait a bit longer and then I’ll go the distance and we’ll let the chips fall as they may. I always feel better when I have failed and tried than failed to try.

Damn, life can be so unnecessarily complicated sometimes.

Someone asked me to explain myself and I told them you can say I am just getting started.

“Jack, I wish you’d answer the question I asked.”

“You can accept the one I have given or be disappointed. I have got a head of steam and a fire burning in my belly that I can’t ignore. The time for slumber has passed and we have moved into the age of action.”

It means that after having tripped, stumbled and fallen down and over cliffs I have picked my ass up and scrambled back up again.

Though it may be premature to say I have made it back to the heights I once lived upon it is no longer impossible for me to see myself getting back and going beyond where I once was.

But the difference between then and now is profound and the depth of appreciation I have is light years between what it was then and what it is now.

That’s what happens when you go through a financial catastrophe and come out the other side.

The shame you feel and think you deserve fades and you gain perspective that allows you to decide it wasn’t entirely your fault.

You may not absolve yourself of all responsibility but you no longer need to own all of it, just some of it.

Persistence, determination and an unwillingness to quit are the things that carried you through and maybe some luck.

Yeah, maybe as much good luck came around to equalize and or wipe out all the bad you got but didn’t deserve.

5 Songs

Moonage Daydream- David Bowie
Starman- David Bowie
I Know You’re Out There Somewhere- The Moody Blues
6th Avenue Heartbreak- The Wallflowers
Lola- The Kinks

A Father’s Help

There aren’t enough words to express my thanks and gratitude to my parents, but especially to my own father for his support during the rough times.

I am not ashamed to say that some of it was financial but the most significant and most powerful portion of it had nothing to do with finances.

It was his hand on my shoulder and his saying he was certain and confident of my abilities during moments when I had repeatedly beaten to my knees.

I remember telling him the only thing I was certain of was my ability to take a beating.

“Dad, I am not smart enough to just lie down. I am too freaking stubborn to accept getting kicked in the teeth without trying to bite whomever or whatever is hurting me. But none of that is worth a damn because clearly I am missing something else, something important.”

He shook his head no and said I was wrong.

“You got caught by the worst financial crisis since the depression. You may not realize it, but you are part of it and so are millions of others. It is bad luck.”

I remember telling him I hadn’t been raised to shrug off accountability.

“This isn’t you shrugging anything off. This is reality and you just have to keep pushing.”

I did because it is my nature to slug it out and because dad said to keep going.

But my attitude improved dramatically because of him and that made all the difference.

There is a lot of rage inside me but I can’t tell you if it is the good kind of rage or the bad kind.

I only know it is there and that has always been a part of me.

The more important question isn’t how it came to be but whether I am using it in positive or negative ways.

I like to think it is positive…mostly.

5 More Songs

At The Club – Ray Charles
Closer To The Heart- Rush
I Can’t Stop Loving You- Ray Charles
Everyday People- Sly & The Family Stone
I Started A Joke- The Bee Gees

The Story of 69 Murderous Mimes & 57 Catatonic Clowns

I still enjoy coming up with ridiculous headlines not because of the linkbait aspect of them but because it is fun to be silly.

Sometimes I wonder how many people know just how silly I can be because there is a whole slew who probably see me as being one of the most serious and intense people they know.

Or so they have said.

It is kind of funny to me to admit that I am ever bothered by that because most days I don’t care what people think.

Aside from a very small list it is immaterial to me, but every now and then what is immaterial becomes…material.

That is part of what makes me human and why when my kids tell me I can’t understand their lives I laugh.

Not to demean or diminish their experiences but because they don’t always recognize their old man has the same feelings as everyone else.

One day they’ll know for certain that I hold no secret powers and that the source of my strength is experience but we haven’t reached that milestone yet.

Anyhoo there is time for that day to come, for now I am focused on the coming days and making the dream I have inside my head into the life I am living.

I am just getting started.

There was a time not so long ago when I used to love flying. It was an adventure and one I never got enough of.

Can’t tell you when things changed but somewhere along the never-ending journey we call life I stopped enjoying it.

Might have been because of some bad turbulence.

Might of been because of things related to 9/11 or because my dysfunctional digestive system sometimes acts up and makes the flight more interesting.

Could be all, could be some, could be none.

What I know for certain is I am not a fan of 7 AM flights.

Facing Fears & Discomfort

Never been a big fan of Green Day but I like Wake Me Up When September Ends, Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) and Boulevard Of Broken Dreams.

Listened to them all in a row tonight and thought about the 4:15 AM wake-up call I’ll answer to make a flight that is way too early in the morning.

Reminded myself I don’t dislike or hate every flight, hell I enjoy more than I dislike, but as I said above it has gotten more challenging.

It is because there is this whisper that sometimes shows up inside my head and that dude isn’t always the kindest man.

He has a nasty streak and he knows where the soft and tender places lie and sometimes he stabs me.

I can’t always predict when or why he shows up but I have discovered the best way I have for stuffing him back into his cage is to confront him.

Ask me how I figured it out and I’ll tell you it was a mix of trial and error plus a healthy dose of FOMO or Fear of Missing Out.

I don’t like missing opportunities because of fear.

How I Help My Children

Whenever my children tell me they are scared or nervous I talk about three things with them:

1. Confrontation
2. Identification
3. Recognition

We talk about identifying what scares or make us nervous. We recognize it exists and then we try to confront it.

It is not a fool proof tactic or something that I have spent a ton of time fleshing out. It is just a system that seems to work for me and something they have had some success with too.

The point isn’t to eliminate fear because you’ll always be afraid of some things and sometimes that fear is a very good thing.

Rather it is about managing it so that it doesn’t stop you from doing what you need to do.

 

Got just a few minutes left to write because I shall rise before the cock crows and mornings and I aren’t the best of friends.

Tomorrow excites and frightens me a little bit.

It is the start of the new job and I think it could be magical but there are always some nerves in new ventures and I have a few butterflies going.

But if I have learned anything about myself it is that I do better when I am active and not sitting around thinking about what could, should or might be.

If I ever go skydiving you’ll probably hear that I jumped sooner than later because too much thought will kill my desire.

I suppose that could lead to a different sort of post in which we talk about how to make good decisions.

We could discuss how sometimes you just know things and sometimes you don’t but again that is for a different time and place.

I might not get back here to update before Friday or Saturday. Not such a big deal for many bloggers but the long time readers know I used to update every day and sometimes multiple times a day.

Once things get settled I expect the frequency to increase again, but for now we’ll have to look at multiple times per week or something close to that.

Maybe I’ll see you in the comments or maybe I’ll see you later this week, time will tell.

Until then I wish you well, I am off to bed and hopefully on my way to the next great adventure.

And then came the moment where the teenager whose hands and feet are mirror images of my own decided to really test his will against mine.

Much harder to make sure he feels the impact of my glare over the phone or through Facetime.

Love that kid so very much, but would like him better at this moment if he didn’t have to be so very much like me in this way.

Spent time under a starry sky looking for answers or inspiration but didn’t find anything that I could use to make this moment disappear or move more quickly.

It would be fair to say I erupted, or more accurately the voice of reason inside my head said “fuck this shit, it is time to get real.”

That is not something my children experience or see very often.

My voice is deep enough I don’t have to raise it to be heard and most of the time they recognize that when I get more soft spoken and quieter it is because they are toeing the line they should not cross.

Steiner the minor is old enough now to have his own thoughts and ideas about how things go and is usually willing to test out his ideas.

Part of me celebrates that because the goal has always been to help my children become self-sufficient and independent members of society.

But his not quite yet fully formed brain and lack of experience in some areas doesn’t always help him make the best choices he could make.

The question I often ask myself is whether I let him fail and flail around because it is the kind of teaching moment he’ll get something out of or if the consequences of not stepping in will be severe.

In the current undescribed scenario I see my son digging a hole for himself that he will not enjoy climbing out of.

He doesn’t see the entire row of dominos he has chosen to knock over and it could be pretty damn ugly.

Doesn’t mean he won’t be able to work things out or that this mess will forever be a mess but it does mean that things could last far longer than necessary.

And it hurts me to see him do things this way because I know what it means to do things the hard way.

I have had multiple conversations with him but thus far my advice has gone mostly unheeded.

I am not clairvoyant and I can’t say for certain which way things will go.

Can’t say his choices are going to lead to a much more horrible outcome than my advice will take him to with the sort of certainty he wants.

But when we discuss things and I tell him that fear isn’t always the best advisor to rely upon it is because I am intimately familiar with it.

Fear and I have danced cheek to cheek many times and I am certain the only times I have gotten through some moments is because I grabbed fear by the throat and jumped over the cliff with him.

It wasn’t because of bravado but because of that whole Captain Kirk scene I sometimes share here.

Should the video not work for you here is the exchange I am referring to:

Spock: I will go with you, Captain.
James T. Kirk: No, I need you on the bridge.
Spock: I can not allow you to do this. It is my function aboard the ship to advise you in making the wisest decisions possible, something I firmly believe you are incapable of doing in this moment.
James T. Kirk: You’re right! What I am about to do, it doesn’t make sense, it’s not logical, it is a gut feeling! I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I only know what I can do.

That describes a lot of parenting and a lot of life now doesn’t it.

I generally move with purpose and intent because it doesn’t serve me well to enter into the land of paralysis of analysis, but it doesn’t always mean I have made the smartest or best choice.

Nor does it mean I have chosen the worst either, it just means I sail through life as the captain of my ship.

I do the best I can to find smooth waters and to avoid the rocks but the storms, well no one manages to sail around all of them.

The best you can hope for is to sail through them with minimal damage and to come out the other side a little bit wiser.

Guess we’ll see how this particular storm turns out.