One Slightly Used Pump For Sale

Classified ads 2, , IDW, MAD Artist's Edition, the office, Hackney, London, UK

Someone once told me that “he who laughs last laughs best.” Well, I don’t know if that is true but I am about to find out. My dear roommate thought it would be funny to mess with me by posting questionable pictures of me online.

Sure Jimmy, millions of people are going to get off with those pictures. After all who doesn’t want to see a man reading a newspaper on the toilet. Ok, so it wasn’t the Wall Street Journal or the New York Times but who cares. Really, do you think that anyone is going to think less of me because I like to spend my time in the smallest room of the house reading The National Enquirer.

You never know when it might be useful to learn that the reason Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston is because he is really Angelina Jolie’s brother. How many people are cognizant of the fact that the reason why the Middle East is blowing up is because there is a war being fought between the Martians and the Venusians.

Don’t think that I haven’t noticed your passive-aggressive behavior. I may not respond to your little digs but I notice them. I don’t respond because by not doing so I piss you off more. Yes, I know that you hate the lack of reaction. You are like a freaking insecure woman who flips out because I don’t pay enough attention to you.

Has there ever been a man more in need of a blow job than you. I don’t think so.  Nor is it my fault that you got arrested for hiring a tranny to take care of that need. Did you ever hear of Hugh Grant? Dude, only an idiot parks their car in a strip mall at 6 PM. It wasn’t dark out and the dry cleaner was still open. What did you think was going to happen.

I wish I could have been there to here you fumble through an excuse. I can picture the little beads of sweat forming on your head and that nervous laugh. Did you try one of your stupid jokes on the cop. “Gee officer, I am not sure how that ended up in her mouth, I was trying to help her find a contact lens and somehow it sprung out.”

But you are a moron and I am guessing that what prompted your anger towards me is the telephone call you heard between Dave and I. Maybe you forgot but Dave and I are in the process of rebuilding a car. When we were talking about a tranny it wasn’t about your experience but the transmission we need to rebuild that ’67 Camaro in his garage.

Damn, if I wasn’t so strapped for cash I wouldn’t be sharing a place with a dolt like you. I only wish that you could read this because I am typing slowly so that you can keep up. You my dunder headed friend made a serious mistake when you came after me with your Cool Hand Luke quote about a “Failure to communicate.”

So let me communicate this. Your mother reads the Beverly Hills Newspaper Daily and she’ll see the following ad with a picture;

For Sale: One slightly used Penis Pump. Not sure when it was last cleaned, if ever. The soon to be former owner is a skinny blond man who was arrested for indecent exposure in a local strip mall. Of course I’ll use your cell phone and email address as contact information.

Who is laughing now…big boy.
This is a work of fiction for the Red Dress Club. Details of the prompt are found below.

We want you to imagine you’ve just had a fight with a friend, a co-worker, husband, significant other, child – you get the picture. You’re mad. It’s time for revenge.

What would you sell?
Write a humorous listing for eBay or Craig’s List. Talk about the history of the items, why they must go.
Word limit is 600.

Updated to play with the boys at Dude Write

Dude Write


  1. Pingback: Someone Tell Kinnear I Love Non Sequiturs - The JackB

  2. Pingback: How To Use 5000 Pounds of Bananas To Terrorize Noisy Neighbors - The JackB

  3. Pingback: One Simple Trick For Generating Content - The JackB

  4. Chiz Chat September 17, 2012 at 10:39 am

    Wow, I was reading this as if it were a true account. Great job in convincing me. Despite how outrageous, it was very believable. Anyone who reads this will undoubtedly know not to screw with you. Great job!

  5. WilyGuy September 16, 2012 at 4:33 am

    Great work, Jack.

    I’ve often thought as I type emails that I am typing slowly and in small words, just for them.
    Very funny piece, I too was saddened to learn it was fiction, but have decided to not become your enemy.


    • Jack September 16, 2012 at 11:10 pm

      Hi WG,

      Us old guys have to stick together to beat the young’uns down. Can’t let those fellas think they can take us, at least not yet. So no worries about becoming enemies, we need each other. 😉

  6. Daniel Nest September 16, 2012 at 4:22 am

    Man, I was kind of disappointed it was a fiction piece at the end, would’ve loved to see this develop! Are you sure you don’t have someone real you can pick on?

    Funny stuff man, well done!

  7. Melody January 6, 2012 at 8:23 am

    Oh Jack. This was brilliant. “I’m typing slowly so that you can keep up” LO-Freaking-L.

    Thanks for linking to this again.


  8. Kris March 22, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    Wait, this is fiction?

    Damn it.

  9. Jack February 27, 2011 at 12:17 am

    This was a lot of fun to write.

  10. Brandon February 26, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    Wow, that’s messed up! Damn… although roomies doing this to each other happens ALL the time, lol!

  11. Ilana February 26, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Revenge is sweet! (please tell me this really happened…)

  12. Karen Peterson February 26, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Ah, roommates. This is a hilarious way to get back at someone!

  13. Mad Woman behind the Blog February 25, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Note to self: don’t mess w/ The JackB
    Whew and yes, frickin hilarious. Welll played sir.

  14. Leighann February 25, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    I secretly hoped it was real.

  15. Nancy C February 25, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    Yes, vindictive indeed. Yet, I kinda like the guy. Very funny. And I noted the Angelina Jolie/brother thing because I am a pop culture nerd and remember when she made out with her brother when she won the Oscar.

  16. Nichole February 25, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    Great job with the prompt!

  17. Tiffany February 25, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Now that was seriously funny crap! I was like tranny?? “Gee officer, I am not sure how that ended up in her mouth, I was trying to help her find a contact lens and somehow it sprung out.” LMAO!!! What a douche!

  18. Jennifer February 25, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    That may have been the best rant that I have ever read!

    “You my dunder headed friend made a serious mistake when you came after me with your Cool Hand Luke quote about a “Failure to communicate.”

    Is brilliant. And I don’t know if those were real stories from the National Enquirer but it kinda made me want to go get one.

  19. Cheryl February 25, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    Tranny. HA!

    Vindictive son of a bitch this guy is..

  20. Thoughts from Her February 25, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    O.M.G!!! I was totally expecting to read about a broken shoe! So funny!!!

  21. lifeintheboomerlane February 25, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    Hilarious. Best line: Has there ever been a man more in need of a blow job than you.

  22. Rita February 25, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    hahahahahahaha. Working my way thru the TRDC links and you were next. Hilarious! Thanks for a good Friday afternoon laugh.

  23. Katie February 25, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Oh ZING! I would not so much want to be on your bad side if this is what you can fictionally do to people.


  24. Mandyland February 25, 2011 at 10:44 am

    OMG. That’s figgin’ hilarious! The Chevy tranny bit was a nice touch. :)

  25. JR Reed February 25, 2011 at 7:00 am

    This was sheer brilliance. Of course, I expect nothing less from you Jack. You da man. Lakers baby!!!

  26. Amy February 25, 2011 at 5:53 am

    Hahaha! Nothing like including his mom in on all the fun!

  27. Lisa February 25, 2011 at 4:55 am

    LOL, and totally brilliant w/ the tranny = transmission. Ha!

  28. C.Mom February 25, 2011 at 4:11 am

    What a great ending! Definitely made me giggle out loud!

  29. Emily February 25, 2011 at 4:10 am

    Oh my gosh! Hilarious! Very well written and engaging. Thanks for the giggle!

  30. Jessica February 25, 2011 at 4:01 am

    Oh hilarious, almost spit out my coffee, and to think I was waiting to see how you were going to sell a high heel and then… oh, THAT kind of pump. Tranny… still laughing. Love it. My first morning read and I’m officially awake now. Great job.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Please enter an e-mail address

You may also like
%d bloggers like this: