One Slightly Used Pump For Sale

Classified ads 2, , IDW, MAD Artist's Edition, the office, Hackney, London, UK

Someone once told me that “he who laughs last laughs best.” Well, I don’t know if that is true but I am about to find out. My dear roommate thought it would be funny to mess with me by posting questionable pictures of me online.

Sure Jimmy, millions of people are going to get off with those pictures. After all who doesn’t want to see a man reading a newspaper on the toilet. Ok, so it wasn’t the Wall Street Journal or the New York Times but who cares. Really, do you think that anyone is going to think less of me because I like to spend my time in the smallest room of the house reading The National Enquirer.

You never know when it might be useful to learn that the reason Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston is because he is really Angelina Jolie’s brother. How many people are cognizant of the fact that the reason why the Middle East is blowing up is because there is a war being fought between the Martians and the Venusians.

Don’t think that I haven’t noticed your passive-aggressive behavior. I may not respond to your little digs but I notice them. I don’t respond because by not doing so I piss you off more. Yes, I know that you hate the lack of reaction. You are like a freaking insecure woman who flips out because I don’t pay enough attention to you.

Has there ever been a man more in need of a blow job than you. I don’t think so.  Nor is it my fault that you got arrested for hiring a tranny to take care of that need. Did you ever hear of Hugh Grant? Dude, only an idiot parks their car in a strip mall at 6 PM. It wasn’t dark out and the dry cleaner was still open. What did you think was going to happen.

I wish I could have been there to here you fumble through an excuse. I can picture the little beads of sweat forming on your head and that nervous laugh. Did you try one of your stupid jokes on the cop. “Gee officer, I am not sure how that ended up in her mouth, I was trying to help her find a contact lens and somehow it sprung out.”

But you are a moron and I am guessing that what prompted your anger towards me is the telephone call you heard between Dave and I. Maybe you forgot but Dave and I are in the process of rebuilding a car. When we were talking about a tranny it wasn’t about your experience but the transmission we need to rebuild that ’67 Camaro in his garage.

Damn, if I wasn’t so strapped for cash I wouldn’t be sharing a place with a dolt like you. I only wish that you could read this because I am typing slowly so that you can keep up. You my dunder headed friend made a serious mistake when you came after me with your Cool Hand Luke quote about a “Failure to communicate.”

So let me communicate this. Your mother reads the Beverly Hills Newspaper Daily and she’ll see the following ad with a picture;

For Sale: One slightly used Penis Pump. Not sure when it was last cleaned, if ever. The soon to be former owner is a skinny blond man who was arrested for indecent exposure in a local strip mall. Of course I’ll use your cell phone and email address as contact information.

Who is laughing now…big boy.
This is a work of fiction for the Red Dress Club. Details of the prompt are found below.

We want you to imagine you’ve just had a fight with a friend, a co-worker, husband, significant other, child – you get the picture. You’re mad. It’s time for revenge.

What would you sell?
Write a humorous listing for eBay or Craig’s List. Talk about the history of the items, why they must go.
Word limit is 600.

Updated to play with the boys at Dude Write

Dude Write
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  • Chiz Chat

    Wow, I was reading this as if it were a true account. Great job in convincing me. Despite how outrageous, it was very believable. Anyone who reads this will undoubtedly know not to screw with you. Great job!

    • Jack

      Hi Chiz,

      Well, if it serves to bring more peace of mind I am all for it.

  • WilyGuy

    Great work, Jack.

    I’ve often thought as I type emails that I am typing slowly and in small words, just for them.
    Very funny piece, I too was saddened to learn it was fiction, but have decided to not become your enemy.


    • Jack

      Hi WG,

      Us old guys have to stick together to beat the young’uns down. Can’t let those fellas think they can take us, at least not yet. So no worries about becoming enemies, we need each other. ;)

  • Daniel Nest

    Man, I was kind of disappointed it was a fiction piece at the end, would’ve loved to see this develop! Are you sure you don’t have someone real you can pick on?

    Funny stuff man, well done!

    • Jack

      Hi Daniel,

      I wish it was true, it would make for an even better story, but alas it is not.

  • Melody

    Oh Jack. This was brilliant. “I’m typing slowly so that you can keep up” LO-Freaking-L.

    Thanks for linking to this again.


    • Jack

      Hi Melody,

      Thank you. That was a lot of fun to write. I like goofy stuff like this.

  • Kris

    Wait, this is fiction?

    Damn it.

    • Jack

      Yes, it sure is.

  • Aidan Donnelley Rowley

    You are too much :)

    • Jack

      If you only knew. ;)

  • Jack

    This was a lot of fun to write.

  • Brandon

    Wow, that’s messed up! Damn… although roomies doing this to each other happens ALL the time, lol!

    • Jack

      Roommates have been the source of much humor, distress and blog fodder.

  • Ilana

    Revenge is sweet! (please tell me this really happened…)

    • Jack

      Revenge is sweet and this would be the sweetest but it is fiction.

  • Karen Peterson

    Ah, roommates. This is a hilarious way to get back at someone!

    • Jack


  • Mad Woman behind the Blog

    Note to self: don’t mess w/ The JackB
    Whew and yes, frickin hilarious. Welll played sir.

    • Jack

      Yeah, that Jack guy is nuts. ;)

  • Leighann

    I secretly hoped it was real.

    • Jack

      It would make a great story if it was.

  • Nancy C

    Yes, vindictive indeed. Yet, I kinda like the guy. Very funny. And I noted the Angelina Jolie/brother thing because I am a pop culture nerd and remember when she made out with her brother when she won the Oscar.

    • Jack

      Yep, that guy has a serious edge.

  • Nichole

    Great job with the prompt!

    • Jack

      Thank you. It was fun to write.

  • Tiffany

    Now that was seriously funny crap! I was like tranny?? “Gee officer, I am not sure how that ended up in her mouth, I was trying to help her find a contact lens and somehow it sprung out.” LMAO!!! What a douche!

    • Jack

      If you listen closely enough you can always find crazy and ridiculous excuses for anything and everything.

  • Jennifer

    That may have been the best rant that I have ever read!

    “You my dunder headed friend made a serious mistake when you came after me with your Cool Hand Luke quote about a “Failure to communicate.”

    Is brilliant. And I don’t know if those were real stories from the National Enquirer but it kinda made me want to go get one.

    • Jack

      To the best of my knowledge those were fake stories that I came up with. At least I don’t remember reading them in the checkout lines.

  • Cheryl

    Tranny. HA!

    Vindictive son of a bitch this guy is..

    • Jack

      Oh yes, he has an edge to him.

  • Thoughts from Her

    O.M.G!!! I was totally expecting to read about a broken shoe! So funny!!!

    • Jack

      As I said earlier, gender difference. Pumps are for motors and water- not shoes. ;)

  • lifeintheboomerlane

    Hilarious. Best line: Has there ever been a man more in need of a blow job than you.

    • Jack

      Disclosure, that line was sort of inspired by Ghostbusters.

  • Rita

    hahahahahahaha. Working my way thru the TRDC links and you were next. Hilarious! Thanks for a good Friday afternoon laugh.

    • Jack

      Thank you for coming by.

  • Katie

    Oh ZING! I would not so much want to be on your bad side if this is what you can fictionally do to people.


    • Jack

      I am a Taurus. We are peaceful people…most of the time. ;)

  • Mandyland

    OMG. That’s figgin’ hilarious! The Chevy tranny bit was a nice touch. :)

    • Jack


  • JR Reed

    This was sheer brilliance. Of course, I expect nothing less from you Jack. You da man. Lakers baby!!!

    • Jack

      What is happening brother. Here is to the threepeat.

  • Amy

    Hahaha! Nothing like including his mom in on all the fun!

    • Jack

      It seemed like a particularly evil way to spread the love. ;)

  • Lisa

    LOL, and totally brilliant w/ the tranny = transmission. Ha!

    • Jack

      I don’t where I came up with the idea, but it just worked. Thank you for coming by.

  • C.Mom

    What a great ending! Definitely made me giggle out loud!

    • Jack

      Glad to hear it. I wasn’t sure if the humor would come through.

  • Emily

    Oh my gosh! Hilarious! Very well written and engaging. Thanks for the giggle!

    • Jack

      I am glad that you enjoyed it.

  • Jessica

    Oh hilarious, almost spit out my coffee, and to think I was waiting to see how you were going to sell a high heel and then… oh, THAT kind of pump. Tranny… still laughing. Love it. My first morning read and I’m officially awake now. Great job.

    • Jack

      Ah, there is a gender difference for you. If someone says pump I am thinking about engines or water- not shoes. ;)