Dear Mr. Steiner, Thank you for your interest in working with your brand. Unfortunately we are going to have to decline your offer to work with us as your writing style does not sync with the wholesome and family friendly image we want our brand associated with. Your rampant use of curse words and sexual innuendo makes us uncomfortable. We wish you well.
I don’t know whether to be amused or dismayed by the sentiments that were so eloquently professed in that dull letter.
Part of me would like to respond by thanking them for fucking me gently and then ask if they prefer to spit or swallow but that might be considered a bit extreme and somewhat over the top.
But it just sounds better than thanking them for commending me on my ability to inject thoughts of lust and fornication throughout my blog posts which as we all know are peppered with colorful words and descriptions.
What could really be fun is to tell them about the mom blogger they are working with who professed elsewhere that being sodomized puts a smile on her face. While not as entertaining as the rant by the crazy sorority girl it still is fun.
A Writer’s Voice
BTW as PSA to my male readers please remember that most women don’t take kindly to being told to relax nor do they enjoy being described as crazy or hysterical. So remember when I do it it is because I am prepared for the consequences of my actions.
Yes, I wear a condom made out of steel. It cuts down on some of the pleasure but it helps me avoid becoming the next John Bobbitt.
I am a professional writer/marketer and most of the time I don’t swear at all in my professional work. That is because the people that sign my checks typically frown upon it and because my professional voice is far different from the one you read here.
This corner of cyberspace is where I just cut loose and write as I want to write, mostly unencumbered.
Some people have asked me if I adopted this style because it works for others and my response is not even close. That is not because the others are bad people but because writing with my voice is the easiest way I know how to produce content.
The Right Way To Write
Sometimes I wonder if any of my old high school English teachers would be happy or horrified to see my blog. I wonder if they would be concerned about how many rules I intentionally break and how many I have forgotten.
I can’t recite the rules of grammar for you. I operate off of feel.
That doesn’t mean I don’t care or pay attention because I do, but if my sentences sound good to me I usually let them go. There is a rhythm to my writing and when the words are flowing from pen to paper that is usually good enough for me.
Kind of funny in a way because I am not happy with good enough, I want great.
I swing from the heels and look for the home run time and time again.
Just like old Papa Hemingway I bleed at the keyboard.
Style Versus Money
If I modified my style and adjusted my voice I could gain more reviews and giveaways. I could garner more sponsored posts and make far more money than I do now. But I enjoy writing like this and know that if I build a large enough readership it won’t matter to many of the companies and brands.
Because when you reach enough eyeballs your colorful language and rampant sex talk/innuendo is overlooked. Reach enough eyeballs and you can talk about the girl from college who had sandpaper hands and vampire teeth that always got snagged in places they shouldn’t.
The chance to sell more widgets, skeezits, tweezits and whatsits outweigh concerns about all of that other stuff.
But I am not at the point yet where my reach is large enough to make them forget about my colorful language so for now I’ll continue to choose writing in my voice for less now and the hope of more later.