The Jewish New Year approaches and I cannot help but wonder what the year will bring. Every year I wonder about this, because I like to know what is going to happen. Then again I also enjoy surprises.
But I find this time of year to be particularly challenging for many reasons, more than I care to elaborate on right now. So let’s focus on one and that is davening. I find it very tough to do so and to do so at length.
One might ask how often I daven, am I familiar with the various brachas and tehillim, do I wrap tefillin daily etc. The answer is that I am someone who kind of dances around the derech, or so that is how it was phrased to me.
But without feeling that connection to Hashem consistently it makes it hard to engage in thoughtful dialogue. And it is not that I need an immediate response, I just need to work on the spiritual tuning fork and that is something that I find challenging.
In certain places I can tune in instantly. The beach, mountains and various other locations have always made it easier to focus.
But when I am in shul it sometimes feels like I am being disingenuous because I get distracted. And I cannot always blame others. It doesn’t necessarily matter whether I daven in a shul with a mechitzeh or without.
For me it works best when I daven with people who are moved by davening and who really are engaged. I can get caught up and tune in. This is not to say that I cannot do so without help, it just means that I find it to be one of my challenges.
I’d also like to add that I have found that when my son hides in my tallis I cannot help but smile. It also serves as a spiritual tuning fork. I cannot look at my children without knowing that there is something greater than I in the universe.
I wonder what this year will bring………
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