It is a Friday night and I am irritated about nothing and everything. Really, I don’t know exactly what is bothering me, other than about 15 things. Here is a brief list in no particular order:
1) That I have to consider what I am willing to share here because lord knows who reads it and how it could impact me. I try not to write about the job so that I cannot be punished as other bloggers have been. I try not to write about things that the people who are important to me will be upset about. And at the same time my I don’t really care what most people think attitude kicks in. In just a moment words on how I contradict myself.
2) My current position in life. I am not satisfied with my financial status. I don’t need a million dollars a year or anything close to that, but I do want to be able to support my family and not worry about how to pay for every little thing every month.
3) I love warm weather, but it is like 86 degrees outside and almost 11 PM. I am ready for something in the 70s. This heat is perfect for setting up some kind of Phillip Marlowe story.
4) More on my position in life. I don’t know where I want to be religiously. I feel like a mutt. I am drawn to Modern Orthodoxy, but not quite there, enjoy aspects of conservatism and am not satisfied there either. And I am posting on Shabbos which on the one hand doesn’t bother me because I believe that there is a “Shabbosy connection” here in which I am still fulfilling some of my obligations. And at the same time my thoughts are that I shouldn’t reveal this because what will my religious friends/readers think. And it is tempered by my who cares attitude. Told you that there were contradictions here.
5) Candidates for President- I don’t like Bush and I don’t like Kerry. I’d offer my services, but I am not polished enough to smile while I stab people in the back. Wait, I’ll smile but only if I stick it in through your heart. If I am angry enough to stab you it can only mean one of two things. A) You are a vampire and I am saving lives by ridding the world of you. B) You really managed to piss me off. I am a Taurus and there are some real similarities between the bull and I. It takes a little work to get my attention, but if you get it in that manner I want to trample you so that I don’t have to worry about you being a problem anymore.
6) Reality TV contestants who cannot leave the game behind. You played and it is over. Deal with it. Only a few people have the real goods to keep it going.
7) I can’t play the guitar. I never took lessons and have no excuse for not playing, but I said that this was a list of things that aggravate me.
8) Hypocrisy and people who make stupid lists.- Damn I just realized that I need to smack myself twice. I hate getting caught like that.
9) I am overtired. I should be sleeping now, but I cannot make myself go to bed. My son went to bed at 9 and my wife just grabbed my daughter a short time ago. I need time to decompress, I just don’t unwind quickly.
10) I miss Summer break. I miss wandering around Jerusalem and I miss being able to do what I want without regard for anyone else.
Ok, that is enough. In truth I have a good life and for the most part these are trivial complaints. I really am very independent and I do miss my life as a bachelor. But I can say that overall I am much happier now and that this is better for me, but the grass is always greener on the other side. And that is why I am going to cut-off the water over there so that they can look at a brownish, dead lawn too. 😉
The trick is finding the happy medium. It is not so easy to do.
Jack, or can I call you Yankel?
Even though I’m shomer Shabbos and can’t say that it’s okay to go online on Friday night, I see your point. And you are so right about finding the time to learn. I have a lady I’m supposed to be learning with. She told me to call her and we’ll set up a time. Kind of hard since I work 4, 10 hour days (Fridays off). I get home around 8pm. I help get the kids bathed and off to bed and then do housework until 11 or 12 and then get my stuff together for the next day. I leave the house by 8am. Sure, I could meet with this lady after work, but then I’d be preoccupied with what needs to be one at home. I could meet with her on Sundays, but that’s my day to get other things done, and plus my husband works part of the day. I guess I’m making excuses, but it is hard to find the time. I admire your websurfing. There are lots of good resources out there. We should utilize them. If you can’t or won’t or don’t want to sit with a book, so read online. My husband goes online on Fridays and prints off a bunch of stuff to read on Shabbos.
I’ll tell you a quick story. A rabbi friend of ours told my husband to stop worrying about things that need to be done around the house. Better he should be learning. This was coming from a man who’s father-in-law (not frum) does all the fixing and repairing around his house. So, my house should fall apart so my husband can discuss the parsha with his friend? There has to be a happy medium. My husband studies online all the time.
Rebbele/Yetta,
Thank you for the kind words. I have about 2 minutes before I am going to be booted from the computer and I want to try and address how this could be “Shabbosy.”
Here is a thought to consider. If we are to take time to try and engage in learning and have limited time to do so then we need to try and find that time one way or another.
I don’t have a traditional Chavrusa, although I won’t stretch the truth and say that I couldn’t get one. I live in an area in Los Angeles in which you can’t spit without hitting shul. Probably not that appropriate, but I only have the moment.
So when I find myself with some quiet time I enjoy surfing the net and spending time learning about many things. I can take the time and engage in some learning about Bava Metzia or Pirkei Avot or whatever.
Obviously I am not ready to make the leap to become Shomer Mitzvot and Shomer Shabbos. I am not certain exactly why, but I know that part of this journey involves my continuing my education.
So the answer is that late on a Friday night you can find me blogging and learning whereas if I didn’t do it then, I might not do it at all.
This raises a number of questions and I am familiar with many of them, but I’ll have to address them later on. Keep in touch, I love the dialogue.
You are now my new favorite blog.
I love what you have to say about your personal life. I can relate to so much. As far as your religiosity, I am newly frum (about 4 years) and I still struggle with the things you are struggling with. You have lots of company.
“believe that there is a “Shabbosy connection” here in which I am still fulfilling some of my obligations”- enlighten me here on this a bit more, please?
keep blogging. ur honest, smart, and witty. great combination.
I can keep producing lists all day long. 🙂 Zeruel, you my young friend are in desperate need of the companionship of a woman.
And I am not talking about a one time deal. You need a girlfriend/wife. I suspect/predict that this will change your attitude entirely.
I enjoy ranting, but the reality is that few things truly occupy my attention as being real problems.
Life is desparation without relief. Just think that it can always get worse. Atleast you’re not in the middle of armed conflict.
Zeruel
I love lists like this. Keep ’em coming. And, good shabbos.
I have two friends, an actress and a race-car-driver, now married. One day, on their way to rehearsal, they were fighting. Finally, “Tell me everything you’re mad at,” she said, “And I’ll write it down.” He named 47 things. They got to my place, we rehearsed, and then they drove home. On the way home — “I’ll read you the list. Tell me everything you’re still mad at.” He was still mad at 45 of the things.
I never forgot that. First, for the permission and support of the girl, to write it all down. And second, for the clarity of naming all 47, and the truth of there still being 45 left, even after a good deep experience like rehearsal.