My Universal Remote

Not unlike the other lemmings I have a TV/VCR/DVD/SAT/DVR with surround sound. And I have many remotes, so many remotes that I have often wondered what would happen if I took them into the street and just started punching buttons.

Could I wreak havoc? Would the lady watching Dr. Phil be left wondering if the drug addict dad ever recovered because I managed to change her television channel. Would the teenager next door get busted because I turned on his porno while his mom was home.

Should I wait and try it on a Sunday morning and see how many men I could roust from their easy chairs and football games. I wonder.

In the search for ways to ease my life and drive my MIL crazy I purchased a universal remote today. It is supposed to handle all of the technology in the house, ok it can’t blog for me, won’t pinch hit for the timer on my sprinklers and doesn’t turn on the washer, but it might one day. And it could be just a matter of my reading the whole manual so that I am familiar with all of the functions.

But I won’t do that because that would take some of the fun of being male away. I don’t take or ask directions, refuse to go to the doctor, wear my underware until there is just one big hole for both of my legs, let fly bodily functions with reckless abandon and celebrate being 230 pounds of uncontrolled 5-year-old.

Shakespeare discussed unleashing the dogs of war and I say unleash the testosterone. Jack has a new toy and he is not afraid to take it out and wag it around. Yippee.

I love the name “Universal Remote” because it holds so many different possibilities. With this remote I can bring peace to the Middle East, Far East, South East, South West and if there were still a Wicked Witch of the West I could nail her too. Figuratively speaking of course.

With a couple flicks of the wrist I am truly the master of my domain. Of course, I still haven’t figured out how to make it work yet, but I will.

In the interim I have been considering how to make use of my old remotes and have stumbled upon an idea. While waltzing through the store (you should have scene the looks I received. Try waltzing by yourself in public and you can share this experience. Better yet, go and Lambada, it is fun.) I saw part of an old Kung-Fu Movie Master of the Flying Guillotine and it gave me an idea.

I could become a superhero fighting for justice. With my trusty bag of remotes I could roam the dark and dangerous alleys of Los Angeles righting wrongs and fighting injustice. When I spotted a criminal I’d whip out my remote and send it flying through the air and listen for the thunk it would create when it smacked the bad guy in the head.

Now there are a couple of potential problems with this idea. First, I need to gather a huge supply of remotes because I’ll probably lose a few while practicing my aim. Not to mention some of these fights might require that I use a couple of them. And while I am thinking about it, how many will I need to carry to be effective. It would be awfully embarrassing to ask the bad guy to hang on while I run to the car to get another remote.

But if I carry a really large supply, it would make for an ungainly and unwieldy appearance. It is hard to be intimidating when you are struggling to carry a huge bag/box of remotes.

Maybe I need to modify the remote so that it becomes a Taser. It could be more effective, but it wouldn’t have the same effect as the remote, and I’d lose the connection to the Master of the Flying Guillotine movie.

I shall have to ponder about what to do.

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2 Comments

  1. Jack's Shack October 24, 2004 at 3:29 pm

    KBB,

    That is good to know. I’d hate to spend a ton of money on remotes. 😉

  2. Mr. Middle America October 24, 2004 at 1:45 am

    “I could become a superhero fighting for justice.”

    hehehehe That’s just raw funny, Jack!

    “With my trusty bag of remotes I could roam the dark and dangerous alleys of Los Angeles righting wrongs and fighting injustice. When I spotted a criminal I’d whip out my remote and send it flying through the air and listen for the thunk it would create when it smacked the bad guy in the head.”

    You do not have to lose your remotes during the initial training for this, Jack! My wife can give you kindly pointers!

    I know this because back in March, when she was 5-6 months pregnant, I made some smart-ass comment to her as she was sitting on the couch holding one of those Universal Remotes… and she threw it at me… caught me in the jaw… which swelled up two-three sizes larger than normal…

    Hurt. Shut down the smart-ass comments! Wait, seems like I mentioned ot her osmething about a concubine or something. *looks around*

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