Many people hate telemarketers, but I do not. I appreciate the work that they do. I am also in sales and work both inside and outside the office, it can be a hard gig pounding the telephones. It is tiresome and tedious, especially when so many people have such love for sales calls.

So it is with a certain empathy that I take these telephone calls at home, but it is also with a certain joy. I say joy because depending on the caller’s attitude I may be up front and tell them that I am not interested, or I may engage them in long conversations.

But the conversations are not sales oriented, they are candid camera type operations in which I see what kind of reactions I receive to crazy comments and questions and I never know what I am going to say until it comes out of my mouth.

This evening I received a call from Ameriquest. They wanted to know if I was interested in refinancing my home.

A: Hi, can I please speak with Jack?

J: Who are you?

A: Can you just put him on the telephone. (I don’t take kindly to orders)

J: Sorry, he is too big to sit on the phone.

A: Ha, ha, can he talk on the phone?

J: Yes, he can. (Pause)

A: Can he speak now?

J: Maybe, let me ask him? Jack said yes.

A: I didn’t hear you ask for him. (pushy will get you trouble)

J: That is because I am Jack.

A: You’re Jack? Why did you do this?

J: Why did I do what?

A: Why didn’t you tell me that you were Jack?

J: Is this 20 questions? Tell me, is it animal, mineral or vegetable?

A: Jack, I don’t have time for games.

J: That’s ok, until you called I was enjoying a peaceful dinner.

A: Well, I just wanted to speak with you about refinancing.

J: (I wonder if he is getting tired of this yet) Refinancing would be good. Do you know what I do?

A: No, what do you do?

J: I am a mortician. My wife is getting really tired of me draining bodies in the living room. Perhaps you can help me get a larger place.

A: Silence followed by a bit of a gulp You drain bodies in the living room

J: The bathtub isn’t big enough. I had three come in this afternoon, if you would like, you can come watch.

A: Jesus.

J: Jesus, I wouldn’t mention that name to me.

A: No, I uh, I am sorry.

J: Sorry for what? Sorry for interrupting my dinner, sorry for not being religious, sorry for not being polite, sorry for the sake of being sorry.Why are you sorry.

A: More silence

J: Are you going to speak with me about refinancing. Do you know what it is like to entertain after you spent the day draining bodies. Do you have any idea what smelling like formaldehyde does to your sex life.

A: Click

Ah telemarketers, they are fun. Perhaps I’ll tell a new story on a different day.

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  1. Jack's Shack October 29, 2004 at 3:34 pm

    Hi Vince,

    That is not bad.

  2. vince millay October 29, 2004 at 3:09 pm

    Eee hee hee. Brilliant.

    I have a friend who routinely, when a telemarketer is on the line, after the first statement or question by the telemarketer, will say:

    Friend: “Have you heard the good news?”
    Telemarketer: “Excuse me?”
    Friend: “The good news. About Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior.”
    Telemarketer: silence
    Friend: “Do you have a few moments? I’d like to read you this passage from the Bible.”
    Telemarketer: click

    Or, in response to whatever they’re selling, he’ll say, “I don’t believe in XYZ. Jesus told me that XYZ is evil.”

  3. Jack's Shack October 29, 2004 at 2:57 pm

    Hi Robyn,

    That is funny. 🙂

  4. Robyn October 29, 2004 at 12:21 pm

    Ahhhh Jack a man after my own heart. In the days when the twin towers yet stood, I had my own brand of funny stuff for telemarketters. It went something like this.

    tm “May I speak to Ms Moondancer”
    me “Who is this?”

    tm “Its Carol from AT&T”
    me “Just a moment”

    *mumbling from me in the background*

    me “Get these coordinates to Major Barnes 120-472-326 by 351-827-687”
    tm sounding perplexed “What are you talking about?”

    me :Dont be stupid just get him the message we dont have time for this they invasion just started.”
    tm “Uhhhhh I think you have me mixed up with someone else”

    me with my phone held out away a bit “Start the trace it wasnt the contact… send the cleaners”
    tm “What the … what are you talking about?”

    me “Just stay where you are Carol. All will be explained when the agents arrive. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.”

    Then I hung up or on rare occassion they did.

    These days though with terror paranioa and the Homeland Security folks I am afraid to try this lol. Agents could show up on my door step.

    Love and Light

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