Many people hate telemarketers, but I do not. I appreciate the work that they do. I am also in sales and work both inside and outside the office, it can be a hard gig pounding the telephones. It is tiresome and tedious, especially when so many people have such love for sales calls.

So it is with a certain empathy that I take these telephone calls at home, but it is also with a certain joy. I say joy because depending on the caller’s attitude I may be up front and tell them that I am not interested, or I may engage them in long conversations.

But the conversations are not sales oriented, they are candid camera type operations in which I see what kind of reactions I receive to crazy comments and questions and I never know what I am going to say until it comes out of my mouth.

This evening I received a call from Ameriquest. They wanted to know if I was interested in refinancing my home.

A: Hi, can I please speak with Jack?

J: Who are you?

A: Can you just put him on the telephone. (I don’t take kindly to orders)

J: Sorry, he is too big to sit on the phone.

A: Ha, ha, can he talk on the phone?

J: Yes, he can. (Pause)

A: Can he speak now?

J: Maybe, let me ask him? Jack said yes.

A: I didn’t hear you ask for him. (pushy will get you trouble)

J: That is because I am Jack.

A: You’re Jack? Why did you do this?

J: Why did I do what?

A: Why didn’t you tell me that you were Jack?

J: Is this 20 questions? Tell me, is it animal, mineral or vegetable?

A: Jack, I don’t have time for games.

J: That’s ok, until you called I was enjoying a peaceful dinner.

A: Well, I just wanted to speak with you about refinancing.

J: (I wonder if he is getting tired of this yet) Refinancing would be good. Do you know what I do?

A: No, what do you do?

J: I am a mortician. My wife is getting really tired of me draining bodies in the living room. Perhaps you can help me get a larger place.

A: Silence followed by a bit of a gulp You drain bodies in the living room

J: The bathtub isn’t big enough. I had three come in this afternoon, if you would like, you can come watch.

A: Jesus.

J: Jesus, I wouldn’t mention that name to me.

A: No, I uh, I am sorry.

J: Sorry for what? Sorry for interrupting my dinner, sorry for not being religious, sorry for not being polite, sorry for the sake of being sorry.Why are you sorry.

A: More silence

J: Are you going to speak with me about refinancing. Do you know what it is like to entertain after you spent the day draining bodies. Do you have any idea what smelling like formaldehyde does to your sex life.

A: Click

Ah telemarketers, they are fun. Perhaps I’ll tell a new story on a different day.

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