Archives for October 2004

I went to 5 of his concerts. I’ll definitely go see this movie.

Hello Men,

If you were a fly on the wall listening a to a conversation among single women you would witness many things, including the love/hate thing that women have with us. And please note that some really do love to hate us. I need an icon to play a little ba dump da sound with these bad jokes. 😉.

As a man who has been married and off the market for a while I have been a witness to a number of these conversations. I didn’t always want to be a part of it, frankly I grew tired of listening to some of the whining and kvetching about men being idiots. Ladies, you are not that smart yourselves and if you learned to speak directly you would and could save yourself some trouble.

But back to the point at hand, if you want to get things going start a conversation about soulmates and whether you think they exist.

From a practical, logical standpoint it seems to me that there should be a minimum of 1000 people you could fall in love with. Of that 1000 there should be at least 100 where it was deep love, 25 where it was intense and 5 where it is just incredible.

Oh, FWIW, there are probably 100,000 people who connect with you in the most primal sexual manner. The kind of pheromone induced “I can’t keep my pants on when you are around” kind of thing. It is part of what makes it all so interesting and complex.

Stories like this just hit me in the gut. Why, why would you ever do this.

Have you ever noticed how some people like to tell you that they are intimidating or that you better not piss them off because all hell will break loose. I suspect that I am probably guilty of saying these things once or twice myself, but that is beside the point. Or maybe above it or below.

Anytime I hear something like that my natural inclination is to try and find out if it is true. When it comes to intimidation I am truly not easily intimidated. From a size perspective I have a very large frame and spent many years working out. I am a little softer around the middle now, but not enough to prevent most people from noticing my shoulders and back first. Speaking of which, as I age the hair on my head has been moving from the skull to my back, chest and shoulders. Not only that, but it is recruiting friends and family. I wear a size 12 EEE shoe, so if this hair things keeps up I may have to watch out at the zoo because they’ll think that a gorilla or bigfoot has escaped.

And as I understand it, there are already bloggers from the Monkey Cage.

But size is not the only thing that serves to help prevent intimidation, there is also attitude, confidence and the stupid gene that makes me forget that in addition to kryptonite, guns, knives, bombs, dairy products and cauliflower can all hurt me.

The real thing about intidimation is that it is 98% mental. If you ask my friends they’ll tell you that I am completely mental, AKA 100%. And that additional 2% makes a huge difference.

And then there is the whole thing about “all hell breaking loose.” If you tell me that if I piss you off all hell will break loose I’ll ask to see Lucifer. I am an admitted button pusher and recovering gadfly. I really try hard not to be, no really I do. Ok, sometimes I do and sometimes I am just so curious to see what happens when the volcano erupts. Will your head look like one of those cartoons where you turn purple and steam blows out? I am sure that sooner or later I’ll actually see that.

The good news is that as I age I take less and less interest in these types of interactions. Now I am not sure if any of this is of particular interest or even meaningful, but I thought that I’d share it with you and a brief tale of dealing with a crazy person who tried to intimidate me.

The other day I was playing in my normal pickup basketball game. We try and play with the same guys because it is safer that way. Egos may be bruised, but no one does anything stupid, at least most of the time. On this one particular occasion at band camp there was a shortage of guys so we had to play with some of the high school kids and a big lumbering fool (BLF) we try to avoid because he sucks and has a temper.

BLF was guarding one of the high school boys and just getting eaten alive. High school boy dunked on him twice and then told him in no uncertain terms that he could do whatever he wanted. BLF snapped threw the ball at high school boy and then said “I am crazy and you have no clue what I am capable of.”

I grabbed high school boy and told him that BLF is indeed crazy and that I suggested walking away. BLF decided that I was his new target and came after me. I told BLF that when his wife found where she had stashed his manhood she should give it to him so that he didn’t have to play pedophile.

Needless to say BLF started to walk towards me so I had to take action. I told BLF. “Me, big, strong and tough,” and then I grunted. Apparently this made him more upset so he continued to advance upon me. So I whipped out one of my patented lines, the one I save for moments like this. It is complete B.S. but it usually works.

“BLF, get the hell away from me. My P.O. said that if I beat up one more person I have to go back and I am not going back for something stupid.” Again, complete nonsense, but so much of the male intimidation thing is composed of stupid nonsense there is nothing lost in adding more to it.

BLF looked at me and said “Your P.O.?” I glared at him and nodded my head. In the few minutes this took one of the other players had gotten management to come down and they made certain that BLF reconsidered his actions.

Game play resumed, but not before high school boy asked me if “P.O.” meant parole officer. I told him that I wasn’t interested in discussing it and dropped it. But it is interesting to note that high school boys and friend have had a new found respect for me lately.

Aren’t stories fun to tell.

Many people hate telemarketers, but I do not. I appreciate the work that they do. I am also in sales and work both inside and outside the office, it can be a hard gig pounding the telephones. It is tiresome and tedious, especially when so many people have such love for sales calls.

So it is with a certain empathy that I take these telephone calls at home, but it is also with a certain joy. I say joy because depending on the caller’s attitude I may be up front and tell them that I am not interested, or I may engage them in long conversations.

But the conversations are not sales oriented, they are candid camera type operations in which I see what kind of reactions I receive to crazy comments and questions and I never know what I am going to say until it comes out of my mouth.

This evening I received a call from Ameriquest. They wanted to know if I was interested in refinancing my home.

A: Hi, can I please speak with Jack?

J: Who are you?



A: Can you just put him on the telephone. (I don’t take kindly to orders)

J: Sorry, he is too big to sit on the phone.



A: Ha, ha, can he talk on the phone?

J: Yes, he can. (Pause)



A: Can he speak now?

J: Maybe, let me ask him? Jack said yes.



A: I didn’t hear you ask for him. (pushy will get you trouble)

J: That is because I am Jack.



A: You’re Jack? Why did you do this?

J: Why did I do what?



A: Why didn’t you tell me that you were Jack?

J: Is this 20 questions? Tell me, is it animal, mineral or vegetable?



A: Jack, I don’t have time for games.

J: That’s ok, until you called I was enjoying a peaceful dinner.



A: Well, I just wanted to speak with you about refinancing.

J: (I wonder if he is getting tired of this yet) Refinancing would be good. Do you know what I do?



A: No, what do you do?

J: I am a mortician. My wife is getting really tired of me draining bodies in the living room. Perhaps you can help me get a larger place.



A: Silence followed by a bit of a gulp You drain bodies in the living room

J: The bathtub isn’t big enough. I had three come in this afternoon, if you would like, you can come watch.



A: Jesus.

J: Jesus, I wouldn’t mention that name to me.



A: No, I uh, I am sorry.

J: Sorry for what? Sorry for interrupting my dinner, sorry for not being religious, sorry for not being polite, sorry for the sake of being sorry.Why are you sorry.



A: More silence

J: Are you going to speak with me about refinancing. Do you know what it is like to entertain after you spent the day draining bodies. Do you have any idea what smelling like formaldehyde does to your sex life.



A: Click



Ah telemarketers, they are fun. Perhaps I’ll tell a new story on a different day.