It is after 11 and my house is quiet. My family is asleep and I am left with my thoughts and the keyboard. It is time to just spew out the things that spin inside my head and see if I can make sense of them.
Spew is an unfortunate word. It suggests that these ideas are without merit, and not deserving of real consideration. That is not the case and probably not the best word to have chosen, but at this time of the night I like to just compose at the keyboard and let the words fly as they may.
In truth I typically let the words fly as they may, composition is done at the keyboard and I rarely look back. I know that this is repetitive, I repeat myself here all too often. I’d like to blame it on having young children, they want and need repetition, but that is really not the truth. I think that it is because during the last five years or so I have been undergoing a period of growth and change.
During this time I became a father twice over. My father almost died, I went through two jobs, became a home owner, watched more friends become parents, witnessed a return to war and terror on U.S. soil and wrestled again with my religious beliefs and career interests.
It is a mouthful, there has been a lot of change and I give myself permission to feel a little unsettled and confused. It sounds “Dr. Philish” but I think that it is really important during times like this to look deep inside and try and figure out what is going on.
My brain never turns off, it is always running. I think about many things and I think quickly. So here are some of the things that are running through my head now.
- At this point 10 years ago I was on my way to Israel to try and make sense of a few things and see if it was a place to live or a place to visit. I came very close to packing my things and moving. I had a couple of opportunities lined up. One was to work odd jobs and live on a friend’s couch and the other was to go to yeshiva and start learning. It feels very Frostish, the road not travelled and all that.
- I suspect that I could still become more observant. I am interested in learning more and there are so many things that I love and appreciate about Judaism. But I am not ready to give up my lifestyle yet. On the other hand this is really like putting the cart before the horse, why worry about it.
- I thought about this change earlier in my life. At the time I had been involved with someone who went BT on me and I didn’t want to change just to remain involved. I don’t believe in engaging in radical change overnight.
- Being a father is the best thing I have ever done. I love it and it just continues to get better. I don’t have all the answers, but I do my best.
- When my father almost died this year it really made me look at my son and father. I appreciate the relationship more than ever. I see so many little things in my behavior and my character that I can attribute to him. Some are good and some are not as good. And I can see that my four-year-old already does a bunch of things like I do.
- I think that we are never truly ready for our parents to die. It was a very hard time.
- I could become a professional blogger, really I could. I could be happy posting my thoughts on life and current events. I am not sure if I could survive financially, but I could be happy.
- I went to the qym tonight to play basketball. I love playing, it is normally a great stress reliever. Today was not. One of the guys I played with whined and complained throughout the games. I considered slapping him, that is an insult. You hit a man with a fist, you don’t slap him unless you are saying that you have no respect for him. And today I lost all respect. Mostly because he was destroying the fun for all of us.
- I watch Las Vegas on NBC. In tonight’s episode I recognized one of the character actors, he plays basketball with us. Kind of bizarre, next time on the court I’ll give him some grief.
- Every time I listen to Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture I cannot help but think of The Marx Brothers and or The Three Stooges.
- My father’s little brother died in February of 1994. I miss him for many reasons, not the least of which is that he died just as I was getting to know him as an adult and not a child. I learned from him and wanted to learn more.
- I go through periods of time of angst. Maybe I like drama or maybe I don’t know how to be happy all of the time. Or maybe this is what I need to do to be happy most of the time, because I really do feel like and think of myself as a happy person.
- If you grabbed the 10-year-old version of Jack and showed him me today I am not sure if he would recognize me. He’d probably ask me to go ride a bike with him. The 15-year-old would wonder when my hair got thin on the front and why I am so serious. The 20-year-old would be relieved to learn that broken hearts really do mend and then ask when I stopped working out. And the 25 year-old would nod his head and be friendly while laughing at how I have settled down. Will the 35-year-old recognize the 50-year-old man in 15 years? Stick around and maybe you’ll have the answer.
My iTunes is not loading. That irritates me, I like blogging with music in the background. Sometimes the computer issues are incredibly frustrating. I’d like to kick my computer’s ass, really I would. Of course I am giving human attributes to a machine, but I need to do something with the frustration. If the computer were human I’d introduce him to my goat boot.