My daughter is just short of 5-months-old. She is beautiful and has this way of staring at people that just makes you melt. Last night she and I had a discussion about how she looks at men. I explained to her that daddy is very familiar with the various looks that women use to convince men to do what they want.
This started late in the evening. She was tired and cranky and only wanted to be held. See, men, this is when that whole cuddling thing starts. Every time I tried to put her down she cried and I picked her back up. She is beginning to teethe and my heart breaks when I hear her scream like that.
So I picked her up and we danced around the room. It was a nice moment, daddy’s girl smiled and batted her eyelashes at me and in the back of my mind I could see little boys thinking about my daughter in ways that didn’t make me happy. Let me tell you, when I go to the gym tonight I will work out extra hard just to prepare myself for those boys.
Parents, tell your boys that when they call upon my daughter they better be prepared for me, I am the physical incarnation of Satan and I will bring the hordes of hell down upon your boy if they just look at her funny. Just so you know.
Fortunately for all parties there is a little time before I have to worry about this.
After some dancing and quiet storytelling I convinced her to put her keppie (Yiddish for head) down on my shoulder and go to sleep and was able to put her in her crib. A short time later I went to sleep in my bed and tried to ignore the reality that I was only going to receive a few hours.
At some point in time I heard my baby girl cry and was pleased when my wife went to take care of her, fair is fair and it was her turn to get out of bed. And so I went back to sleep.
A short time later I felt someone rubbing my crotch and smiled, a burning sensation having developed in my loins. I figured that someone realized that if you have to be awake at that hour you might as well enjoy yourself.
I smiled and prepared myself for my Chanukah suprise it was going to be worth being awake. Suddnenly the smile was rubbed off of my face as the rubbing turned into an aggressive poke. I went from happy to irritated and was on my way to expressing a solid “what the fuck are you doing honey” when I realized that my wife was snoring and the rubbing sensation was the heel of my son’s foot.
He and his sister share a room and her crying had woken him up. So he decided that my bed was the best place for him to try and get his own shut eye and I was the lucky recipient of his attempt to get comfortable.
And now you all understand why I am a little irritable this morning.