More Fan Mail

I am growing very attached to some of you fans, you are so…..interesting.

Dear Jack,

I stumbled across your blog because I read this post and wanted to let you know that you are so right. Women need a man who can take control and tell us what to do. We need to be guided because we are nothing more than baby making machines and without men we might sit around giggling all day or break out into spontaneous pillow fights. You are lucky to have found someone stupid enough to spend time with you. I can’t believe that there are still women dumb enough to be with a neanderthal like you.

Signed,

Happily Single and Not Ashamed to admit it.

Dear Ashamed,

Thanks for the kind words. If you were hair I’d happily drag you by your hair and feed you the raw meat from my latest kill. C’mon, give it a chance, you might like it. 😉 It could be the best 2 minutes you ever have.

Thanks again,

Jack UGH!

Dear Jack,

I see that you thought that it was funny to write about my email to you. Do you get off on making fun of people. Is loshon ha-ra a joke to you, or are you just dense. There are many reasons why this blog is bad and I am considering making a list so that you can see why. Another thing you should know is that I am female, I am 28 and I do not like your suggesting that I could be male. It is not nice to do such things when all I did was try and educate you. I am still pained to read you.

Dear Pained,

I am thrilled to hear from you again, it makes me feel warm in all the right places. It is just good to know that the blood is still pumping.

I would provide a serious answer to you, but that would be out of character for me and I just can’t break character as I am classically trained actor. So allow me to say that I know where you are coming from and they will soon find you and lock you up again.

My suggestion is that if you are looking for a new blog to haunt you might consider DovBear. He is much nicer than I am and he needs a new shtick. Maybe you can help him to find one. If nothing else you can protect him from Miriam because she has placed a hit on him for taking her family away.

Or you can continue to hang out here where we love quirky, off center and offbeat people.

Much love,

Jack

Dear Jack,

I am an aspiring blogger who hopes one day own his own shack. What advice do you have for someone like me? Can you give me any tips that I can use to better myself.

Sincerely,

Your 237th fan

Dear 237th,

The Gematria expert who lives down the street informs me that no division of life (18) is possible from 237. I am no math expert, but without a calculator I can come awfully close and I know that if I divide 237 by 18 it works out to 13 something or other.

He encouraged me to try and figure all the other possible combinations such as this:

2= Bet or B

3= Gimmel or C

7= Zion or G

I wrote earlier about how my Hebrew is not what it used to be, but I am fairly certain that Bet Gimmel Zion is not a word. Now it could be an acronym, but I am just too tired to work that out now. And the English is fairly nonsensical too. BCG is not a word, although I could demonstrate how in Chaucer’s original Canterbury Tales BCG was the Middle English expression for “Paul Is Dead” but somehow I don’t think that Chaucer knew of the Beatles.

And on the English Acronym front I come up with a number of options such as Busting Cool Good which sounds like a nifty new euphemism for saying that me (Jack) is cool in a nifty new way.

For example you could say “That Jack is so BCG.”

I like it, think that I’ll have it copyrighted before Trump get’s to it.It will be the rage, soon everyone is going to want to be BCG.

I’d answer the rest of your letter, but I am too BCG to do it.

-Jack

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