Thoughts for a Saturday Night

Loved the movie, just really enjoyed it so very much. I like tales like this. Saw the preview for the upcoming Russell Crowe movie “Cinderalla Man” and was intrigued by it. He is a fabulous actor and has always managed to grab my attention.

We picked up my son’s bicycle today. It is a birthday gift and he couldn’t be more excited about it. I tried to figure out how this four-year-old boy replaced the infant I brought home last week. As he danced around in excitement I remembered the whole experience of becoming a father.

He was born 2.5 weeks prior to his due date, which caught us all off guard. It was early Friday morning when we went to the hospital and my head was buzzing. That weekend I had planned on installing his car seat after which I was going to visit the California Highway Patrol to confirm that it met their guidelines and approval. Obviously his birth surprised me and prevented that plan.

I am sure that I was quite a sight the day we took him home. I parked our CRV in front of the hospital and began wrestling with the car, the seat and the seatbelt. I wasn’t sure how much wiggle, if any there was supposed to be and I was really pulling and tugging. The whole car was shaking. At one point I was pulling so hard on the seat belt that I thought my shoulder was going to pop out of the socket. The veins in my arm and forehead were bulging. Finally I was relatively confident that it was secure, but there was a hint of doubt.

BTW, my best friend is a guy I met the first day of kindergarten. And he will tell you that if you see the vein in my forehead bulging you need to go searching for cover. Every fight I have had in my life has been foreshadowed by that vein. Not that it matters, but I thought that I’d share it with you.

Finally we loaded up the CRV and the car that had transported two people suddenly had three in it. It had been years since I was nervous driving. I have driven in every major city in the US, driven all throughout Israel, parts of Mexico, Canada and never thought about it. But this was different.

I pulled out on La Cienega and was cruising home when my rearview mirror alerted me to the presence of an oncoming vehicle. It was approaching at high speed, far too fast for the road. I looked to the left and right and noticed that I was boxed in by traffic. Suddenly it was very hot in the car and I began to worry about getting hit. The jackass behind me was going to rearend me on the day that I was taking my son home.

His first day out of the hospital and we were going to be involved in a traffic accident. The vein in my forehead jumped out and I began to consider whether I would give the driver time to speak before I hit him. And then it occurred to me that if I hit him I might go to prison and I was really angry. The day my son was coming home from the hospital was going to be marred by a traffic accident that would send me to prison and all because the jerk behind me was speeding.

Well if I am going to prison I may really have to hurt him, a dislocated shoulder and Jack’s facelift were in the works. I coudn’t believe the nerve of that guy and just as I was considering all of this he switched lanes and passed me. I glanced at the speedometer, we were doing about 35 or so and he wasn’t going much faster. The whole incident had taken all of 30 seconds.

I exhaled deeply and smiled as I acknowledged that the entire experience was nothing more than a bad case of nerves. Just another story to tell.

Back in ’98 a bear screwed up an intimate moment between my girlfriend and I. It is true. Years later a teddy bear screwed up another intimate moment. Just as things were heating up I tripped over the fercockteh bear and yelled. It woke my little boy up and that was that.

My tefillin have been handed down for a number of generations. They made it to the US around the Civil War.

Brian posted about how often men think about sex. One of my readers wrote in to ask me how often I think about sex, wanted to know if I was like a lot of men. I wrote back that people call me tripod and that if they were interested in tne greatest minute of their lives they should come out to Los Angeles.

They responded with a question about whether tripod was an accurate description and I let them know that if they understood scientific notation I would be happy to provide them with more information. Or alternatively they could use the Navier-Stokes equation to derive the answer to that question.

They then wanted to know if I would give them a straight answer. I replied that my politics are a bit left at times and a bit right, but that a good boy never reveals all of his secrets.

What can I say other than I often respond based upon the whim of the moment. Engage me in juvenile rhetoric and I will gladly play with you. And dear reader, if you are still around, I lied and lied and lied, but about what I’ll never say.

My favorite drug is fatigue. It is free and it makes everything funny, including really stupid jokes and really silly posts like this one.

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