Besheret- The Concept of Meeting the Perfect Mate
In Judaism there is the concept of Besheret, or if you prefer basheret. Since this blog is read by Jews and Non-Jews alike I am going to minimize the religious component somewhat. At the ripe old age of 35 I can no longer remember a time in which I was unaware of this concept, the concept of basheret, or “meant to be.”
The way most of us typically use this is to mean that we all have a soulmate, the one other soul out there that was created so that we would have the perfect companion. It is the one person who understands you on all levels, mental/emotional/physical. He/she is the person that calms your raging seas, that banishes the storms and brings you the peace of mind that no one else can. It is an incredible happiness.
It is something that I have wrestled with for a long time. I have three little sisters. I think that this has given me certain advantages over many men. Just by having sisters I was exposed to girl things that other men have not been and I was adopted as a big brother by a number of their friends. And in truth I have always enjoyed that role. It feels natural to me and I am good at it.
Through the years I have also developed a large number of female friends. All told I have been exposed to so much estrogen I occasionally develop an irrational desire to go shoe shopping.
The real result of this is that I have been called upon by many of these women to try and explain men. I have been there for numerous tear filled discussions about what it takes to find the one to find their besheret.
And it is something that I wanted so badly for myself as well. To think that there would be that one person who could bring me the things that no one else could was exciting, and even somewhat intoxicating. I did a lot of dating and spent a lot of time thinking and talking about this. It was a dream that I pursued relentlessly as many people do and have done.
Most of my friends were married during their 20s and a number of them divorced during their 20s as well. Couples that I remember thinking must be besheret fell apart. Some crumbled due to immaturity, others grew up to want different things. A couple of people lost their spouses to cancer or some other premature death. It is fair call death in your 20s or 30s premature is it not.
So as I watched and learned and considered everything I decided that there must be at least 100 people in the world that I could be in love with. I envisioned it as being concentric circles. If you drop a stone into a river there are ripples, circles within circles.
It seemed to me that of this 100, this mythical 100 women I could love, who could love me as well, I couldn’t love them all equally. Some of them would be deeper and more fulfilling loves than the others. If you met me at this point you would have found that I was difficult to pin down, I wouldn’t commit to you although it seemed like I would in the future.
It wasn’t a fear of commitment, but a fear of missing out on experiences. If there was a better, a deeper love I wanted to share that, I wanted to experience that. But as the women had free will, they were not all gung ho to wait around and see if I would decide that they could be the person who did it for me. In some respects I was able to say that this was a sign of besheret, they left so clearly they could not be the perfect mate.
But I also came to realize that if you spent all your time chasing the rainbow you might miss out on what lay before you, the hidden treasure that was never really hidden, you were just not prepared to see it.
So if you ask me today what I think of besheret and whether I believe in it, I have to say yes. But I still have to qualify it. There are people who can take you places that you never imagined existed, there are people who can plumb the depths of your soul and make you feel naked and exposed, but safe. They do exist, even if you do not always recognize them for who and what they are.
I don’t have any real advice other than to be open and to believe. And to let it come when it will as it will come. if you want it and are willing to accept it, Peace of mind is available
Anonymous December 31, 2007 at 8:47 am
and maybe the besheret is the one who you decide IS the experience you want to explore more than the others… knowing that traveling deep into someone’s soul and life and mind will present a vast array of experiences that could be the “ultimate” experience… unavailable on the surface …. versus scanning far and wide and making surface decisions, expecting to find the ultimate without investing enough depth to know it exists….
sometimes treasure must be unburied… we might have to do some digging to determine if we have found the right spot…
or maybe intuition is enough. and we can trust that whatever is stopping us from digging there has a reason.