An End To Hate

I almost spit out my coffee when I read this email. Is this for real. What a wacky world.

Dear SirMister Jack,

I have been reading your site for manny months now and it is parent to me that you had sum problemz that I can hope you with. You are G-dless and stuch in a place that is like hell on Earthe. I knowe how to break the spell of the witch whoo voodooed you. But such thinks cost many dollars.

Iff you sent me monay I culd buy ingreedents to fix your problem. But that is only the furst step. Tha next think to do is to get you to da church on time and wurk on your soule. Thease things will make your hart pure like a baby and will end your trubbles so you be happy all of the thyme.

G-d loves you and me,

Marston Constantine

Dear Marston Constantine,

I am flattered by your attention. It is clear that you are a man who recognizes things in people that they cannot see. I am not sure where to begin. You refer to living in a hell on Earth, but I do not live in Buffalo, Cleveland, Detroit or anywhere that people of sense would call hell.

When you mentioned getting me to church on time I could not help but hear David Bowie singing to me.

I would be happy to send you some money, but I need your help. The bank has instructed me on how to place a wire transfer. It is like email. You need to send me $5,000 American dollars so that I can send money to you. It is standard procedure.

Once I receive your money order or cashier’s check I can quickly and effectively process the return. As we say E Pluribus Unum, You take the Bus, I take the Bus, We all take the Bus.

Finest regards,

Jackson ShackMaster Esq.