One of the best parts of being Jewish is being targeted by missionary groups. Someone did me the favor of giving out my office number to some group who has now called to talk to me about turning my life around by giving me a personal relationship with G-d..
I was ever so thrilled to hear that they are interested in my personal welfare and today was an especially good day to contact me as I was ready to let someone know about how pleased I am with how the day is going.
Here is a pseudo-transcript of the conversation.
Them: Hi, may I speak with Mr. Jack.
I answer the phone as Mr. Jack, so it was apparent from the start that they were not listening.
Me: I am Mr. Jack.
Them: Hi Mr. Jack, I am so glad that I could speak with you today. I was referred to you by your friend John. He thought that you might be interested in attending a special program that is designed to improve your personal health and satisfaction as well as that of your spouse and family.
Can I spend a moment talking to you about this?
Me: Uh, how long is a moment?
Them: With a happy smile in her voice, just long enough to let you know that there is a place and people that can really help you make more of yourself and your life.
Me: Are you with the Marines?
Them: No, that is not who I am with, but you could say that I am a soldier.
Me: Are you with the Army, Navy, Air force? What is your MOS?
Them: Actually I am with Our Lady of Spanking the Monkey. (Ok that is not the real name) I am really interested in speaking with you about G-d’s word.
Me: Who was it that said you should call me?
Them: My notes say that it was your friend John.
Me: Oh, you mean John Dabaptiste. Did he have a French accent?
Them: I am not sure, but he was very interested in helping you.
Me: Well, you never can tell when you need a helping hand.
Them: That is right and there is no better friend in life than Jesus.
Me. Oh really. The last person who claimed to be my best friend slept with my wife and got her pregnant.
Them: That is terrible.
Me: Yes, it is. I am not sure that I want to meet your friend because he might try and do the same thing. And then I might go back to prison. Because if he slept with my wife I’d crucify him.
At this point there is a pause followed by a loud shriek and then words with a less friendly tone.
Them: Mr. Jack you are being very rude. All I am trying to do is help you.
Me: No, you are not.
Them: Mr. Jack, I am concerned about your immortal soul and what could happen to it.
Me: No, you are not concerned with anything that relates to my own thoughts and beliefs because you think that I am wrong and misguided. But let me tell you what, I am not a silly sheep who needs to run around trying to impress my thoughts upon others. My G-d doesn’t require me to act like an obnoxious ass.
Magic occurs and she suddenly acts like nothing has happened.
Them: Mr. Jack, I know that hearing this is hard for you. So I would like to help you. If I could I would like to personally escort you to the meeting and then once you have seen it we can we’ll see how you feel about it.
Me: That is a different approach. Does it work?
Them: Does what work?
Me: Offering yourself?
Me: Didn’t you just offer yourself to me?
Them: I most certainly did not. That is a terrible thing to say.
Me: I was wondering, because I was trying to think how I would explain it to my wife. I suppose that I could tell her that it was a religious obligation. How would you like to become my third concubine?
Suddenly there was a click and the line was dead. I was rather disappointed, it was right about the time that the conversation was getting to be interesting.