I broke open a bottle of Charles Shaw Chardonnay this evening. I don’t drink very often so it doesn’t take much to give me a bit of a buzz and this evening was no exception. I am feeling pretty good and playing around with calling American Airlines and buying a ticket for the first place I think of, probably Maui.
Sometimes the manchild inside of me goes to war, there is a struggle to be who I am and to become who I want to be. This probably sounds somewhat contradictory and or confusing and it is, but that is me, confusing. The whirlwind you feel is me passing by.
My children are asleep in the other room and I am sitting here wondering how it all happened so fast, how did these changes occur overnight. On May 9 I am going to be 36. It is not old, not old at all but somehow it seems a little strange that I am a thirty-something that is that much closer to 40.
Not that I really mind, life is better than death and I have buried too many people. I know far too many people who should be alive walking the Earth and yet they are dead and buried. Some were taken by cancer, others by drunk drivers or other random acts. And those are just the people I know or should say that I knew. Had they lived they would be between 34 and 38 now.
I try not to spend too much time living inside my head. I try not to ask too many questions that I cannot gain a satisfactory answer too, but I cannot ignore the reality of the world around me. I cannot ignore the questions my children ask because I am not satisfied with the answers.
Tonight the younger, smarter version of myself and I discussed how to speak to G-d. He wanted to know how to do it. Could he use a telephone, would it be better to use my cellphone or does G-d respond better to email.
It was cool to realize that he had spent time thinking about this before he asked. When we cross the street he wants to know why I am worried about cars because in his mind I am too big for the cars to hurt me. He once told me that if a car bumped into me it would break and the driver would cry because I broke their car.
It made me smile. It was so innocent and another sign of his complete faith in me. It is a hard thing to live up to. At 4.5 he still considers me to be infallible, I have all the answers and I can do anything.
He watched me work out at home and I put on a bit of a show. It was better than lifting in front of my girlfriends because I was more focused on teaching as well as just showing off. Sometimes my son taps into the little boy that lives inside and I just go with it.
Between the two of us there is around 275 pounds of child running through the house. My daughter watches us closely and I can see her frustration in not being able to chase after us. She hates when we leave the room and always smiles big when we return. In a short time she’ll be able to follow us and the games will change a little.
Most nights I go to sleep and have a conversation with G-d. I ask G-d for the same things as most people. Health and safety for my family, guidance for myself and the strength to do what I need to do.
I sometimes wonder if the answers I seek from him are right here in front of me. Sometimes I pray for the ability to recognize the truth I seek but not always.
Prayer is such a personal thing and it is so very hard for me. It requires so much effort because I waver in my belief. At times there is no doubt and then there are times in which it is so apparent, so clear to me that I cannot imagine how I ever doubted his presence.
I have rambled on enough about this for now.