I can always tell when the call is legitimate and when it is a telemarketer because of the tell-tale pause between the time I pick up, say hello and by the delay in their response.
Today I received three different calls. Not to go off on a tangent but these calls would be much more interesting and enjoyable if they mirrored the spam in my inbox.
I am tempted to hire people to act these out just for the fun of it. There will be three different models.
Model A: A woman with a seductive and sultry voice will call men to speak with them about how using her special pills will enlarge their penis.
Model B: A man pretending to be a lawyer will contact people on behalf of his very wealthy client who is in desperate need of assistance in moving his money from some obscure bank in Nigeria.
Model C: This can be a man or a woman who will tell you really bad jokes and pass on urban legends about how using ordinary household products cause cancer or why passing on a chain letter will bring you good fortune.
But back to the most recent telephone call and the fun of speaking with said telemarketer.
Telemarketer: Can I speak with Mr. Shack please?
Jack: Can I tell him who is calling:
Telemarketer: It is a very important telephone call that is of a personal nature.
Jack: That is ok, I am personally acquainted with Mr. Shack and have seen him naked on many occasions.
Dead Silence (Is there any other kind)
Telemarketer: It is very important that I speak with him.
Jack: Ok, it is very important that you tell me who you are because I could lose my job if you do not.
Telemarketer: Sir, you may tell him that I am calling in relationship to his financial future.
Jack: I knew it, last night the fortune cookie said that money was in my future. Of course the first one said something about being tied up in a shoelace factory.
Telemarketer: Is he there?
Jack: Yes, let me get him.
(Pause, followed by me answering the phone. Don’t they recognize my voice.)
Telemarketer: Mr. Shack?
Jack: Yes?
Telemarketer: Excuse me, is this Mr. Shack? You sound just like the man I first spoke with.
Jack: That is because he is me and I am him and we are all together. Koo koo kachoo. I am the walrus.
Telemarketer: Ok. The reason I am calling is because Citibank would like to give you money to use on your home.
Jack: What is the interest rate?
Telemarketer: The what?
Jack: The interest rate?
Telemarketer: Umm, umm, umm
Jack: Skip ahead in your script and I am sure that you can find the numbers. Let’s talk turkey.
Telemarketer: I am confused.
Jack: That’s ok, I am tired. Nice to meet you. Now what about that interest rate.
(Droning of the telemarketer reading the script to me)
Telemarketer: And this is why Citibank would like to give you a no hassle home equity line.
Jack: Ok, can you send it to me by mail.
Telemarketer: What is your email address?
Jack: No, to my home address.
Telemarketer: What is your email address?
Jack: Do you know the words to I can’t Get No Satisfaction†by the Stones
Telemarketer: No.
Jack: What about ‘Jumping Jack Flash?’
Telemarketer: Is that a nickname?
Jack: No. It is a song, let me sing it to you.
Telemarketer: I apologize, but I am not sure that I understand the words.
Jack: That’s ok, I don’t think that Mick does either.
Telemarketer: Who is Mick?
Jack: How about a chorus of “Louie Louie?’ Most people don’t know the words to that either.
And then there was a click and a dial tone. I think that she hung up on me.
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