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Playing Games With Telemarketers

August 16, 2005 by Jack Steiner

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Somehow the telemarketers have discovered my direct line at my office. I need to call the hotline and have my telephone number removed so that I am not besieged by telephone spam.

I can always tell when the call is legitimate and when it is a telemarketer because of the tell-tale pause between the time I pick up, say hello and by the delay in their response.

Today I received three different calls. Not to go off on a tangent but these calls would be much more interesting and enjoyable if they mirrored the spam in my inbox.

I am tempted to hire people to act these out just for the fun of it. There will be three different models.

Model A: A woman with a seductive and sultry voice will call men to speak with them about how using her special pills will enlarge their penis.

Model B: A man pretending to be a lawyer will contact people on behalf of his very wealthy client who is in desperate need of assistance in moving his money from some obscure bank in Nigeria.

Model C: This can be a man or a woman who will tell you really bad jokes and pass on urban legends about how using ordinary household products cause cancer or why passing on a chain letter will bring you good fortune.

But back to the most recent telephone call and the fun of speaking with said telemarketer.

Telemarketer: Can I speak with Mr. Shack please?

Jack: Can I tell him who is calling:

Telemarketer: It is a very important telephone call that is of a personal nature.

Jack: That is ok, I am personally acquainted with Mr. Shack and have seen him naked on many occasions.

Dead Silence (Is there any other kind)

Telemarketer: It is very important that I speak with him.

Jack: Ok, it is very important that you tell me who you are because I could lose my job if you do not.

Telemarketer: Sir, you may tell him that I am calling in relationship to his financial future.

Jack: I knew it, last night the fortune cookie said that money was in my future. Of course the first one said something about being tied up in a shoelace factory.

Telemarketer: Is he there?

Jack: Yes, let me get him.

(Pause, followed by me answering the phone. Don’t they recognize my voice.)

Telemarketer: Mr. Shack?

Jack: Yes?

Telemarketer: Excuse me, is this Mr. Shack? You sound just like the man I first spoke with.

Jack: That is because he is me and I am him and we are all together. Koo koo kachoo. I am the walrus.

Telemarketer: Ok. The reason I am calling is because Citibank would like to give you money to use on your home.

Jack: What is the interest rate?

Telemarketer: The what?

Jack: The interest rate?

Telemarketer: Umm, umm, umm

Jack: Skip ahead in your script and I am sure that you can find the numbers. Let’s talk turkey.

Telemarketer: I am confused.

Jack: That’s ok, I am tired. Nice to meet you. Now what about that interest rate.

(Droning of the telemarketer reading the script to me)

Telemarketer: And this is why Citibank would like to give you a no hassle home equity line.

Jack: Ok, can you send it to me by mail.

Telemarketer: What is your email address?

Jack: No, to my home address.

Telemarketer: What is your email address?

Jack: Do you know the words to I can’t Get No Satisfaction” by the Stones

Telemarketer: No.

Jack: What about ‘Jumping Jack Flash?’

Telemarketer: Is that a nickname?

Jack: No. It is a song, let me sing it to you.

Telemarketer: I apologize, but I am not sure that I understand the words.

Jack: That’s ok, I don’t think that Mick does either.

Telemarketer: Who is Mick?

Jack: How about a chorus of “Louie Louie?’ Most people don’t know the words to that either.

And then there was a click and a dial tone. I think that she hung up on me.

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