What The Hell Happened to Courtesy

I have written many times about the lack of elevator etiquette. There are the people who try to take a cigarette into the car, those that dump buckets of perfume/cologne over their heads and then enter the car and there are those that think that it is ok to hold the door while they finish their conversation with someone who has chosen not to get on the elevator. How is that for a runon sentence.

But today I encountered a new jerk. Today I rode the elevator with a man who thought that it was ok to share his flatulence with me. It is one thing to share these in silence. I’ll do my best not to cough and turn blue while holding my breath.

It is quite another thing to just “let one rip” as if you haven’t a care in the world and it is even worse when you don’t apologize or excuse yourself. That is what happened today.

The man didn’t yell “fore” or “Geronimo” or give any indication that he was about to soil his pants and I am fairly certain that this was “wet.” I apologize for the detail, but I am still horrified by this and as a father who has changed many a diaper I know the signs.

It was loud. It was wet and was most aromatic in a most unpleasant way. I wanted to run. I wanted to flee but there was no place to go. The doors were closed and we were between floors.

As I gasped for breath I thought about my family and a sob escaped my throat. There was something so unfair and so unjust about this. My children were going to have to be told that their father died trying to rescue children from a burning building not that he died as a result of asphyxiation caused by noxious fumes from a common “fart.”

The thought was so upsetting. In my mind’s eye I could see them being teased on the playground. I could hear the vice-principal suspending my son for fighting and saw his mother explaining that he didn’t need to fight every time some kid tormented him about it.

Suddenly the elevator doors opened and I flung myself into the hallway. Gasping for air I rolled on the floor and inhaled the stale but ever so sweet after effects of the cleaning crew. The scent of their passage lingered in the air and I reveled in the gift of life I had received.

In the interim stinky rolled on out of the office and waddled down the hall. I carefully followed him and watched him enter an office. Later today we will show him how we deal with terrorism in this part of town.

The boys and I are going out for burritos and chili. Together we will enter his office and then drag him to a utility closet where we will unleash our own WMDs, mercilessly. And as all good terrorists do I’ll videotape this so that I can create more terror by uploading the file onto the net.

Flatulent Fred, judgement day is coming for you.

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  1. Shaie December 6, 2006 at 5:59 pm

    There you go making me laugh again.. I can’t stop.

  2. Sweettooth120 January 27, 2006 at 6:34 pm

    Jack, thanks for the laugh.

  3. Jack's Shack November 18, 2005 at 1:29 am


    Thankfully I am 5’10 and most likely will not be faced with that situation unless I am stuck in the elevator with the Lakers.

  4. Elisson November 17, 2005 at 2:55 pm

    There is only one way the dreaded Elevator Fart could be worse…and that is if you are a Little Person. When your nose is roughly level with other people’s posteriors, you are the first to experience the Deadly Effects.

  5. Jack's Shack August 17, 2005 at 3:36 am


    I probably should do the same. 😉


    Words are what I use to earn a living. I have to stay sharp.

  6. Ayelet August 17, 2005 at 3:34 am

    ROTL! You’ve got a way with words!

  7. Brian August 17, 2005 at 1:33 am

    Ugh. I think I’ll take the stairs for awhile!

  8. Jack's Shack August 16, 2005 at 6:09 pm


    Open the window.


    I always wondered about that. Can’t say that I am surprised. Oy.


    I have been known to speak my mind. It is not always such a good thing.

  9. Daniel August 16, 2005 at 5:58 pm

    I am a chiropractor. At least twice a month some guy or girl rips on as I am looseing their spine. I try not to react. If they ask I say its normal and happens all the time. Unfortunately, worse has happened….

  10. GoldaLeah August 16, 2005 at 5:51 pm

    I have friends who definitely would have said something to ol’ Farting Fred. I can imagine them, turning to him with a wrinkled nose and just saying, “Dude! Please!”

    I always wanted to be one of those people. Too polite, I suppose.

  11. Just Passing Through August 16, 2005 at 5:22 pm

    I’m laughing so hard I though I’d ‘rip’ one myself.

  12. Jack's Shack August 16, 2005 at 4:42 pm

    I am glad that you enjoyed it.

  13. Dayli August 16, 2005 at 4:30 pm

    Hilarious and disgusting – simultaneously.
    So happy I found your blog!

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