My Pants Are Too Tight

The holidays have been good to me. It is apparent that I have been the recipient of many blessings and good fortune, at least when it comes to food. My pants are too tight, or should I say the khaki Dockers that I am wearing today are.

It is not exceptionally obvious. Unless you have spent an inordinate amount time staring at specific parts of me it is unlikely that you would notice, but that doesn’t change the fact that they don’t feel real comfortable.

I was a little late getting dressed this morning so it took a few minutes to realize that they are about 2 pounds of brisket, 1.5 pounds kugel, 3 slices of cake, a gallon of coffee and a holiday donut too tight.

By the time I was certain that I didn’t want to wear them I was certain that I was late and couldn’t stop to change. It is just a little frustrating.

Not unlike many 30 something men I have a metabolism that no longer keeps up with my appetite. I can eat for hours but if I do I can be guaranteed that it will take hours of hard work to hide the evidence.

Last night I played two hours of basketball. For a good chunk of that I chased a 19 year-old around the court. He is faster than me now and I suspect that if I was 19 he still would be faster, but like any good man I reminded him that at 19 I was bigger, stronger and faster.

FWIW I can guarantee the bigger and stronger part, but the speed is questionable. Since we cannot go back in time I’ll console myself by saying that I was faster.

Today my legs hurt. They feel dead and there is a dull ache that is kind of radiating from the middle of my body. Given a little time in the steam room and jacuzzi I could get back out there today. That makes me happy because it means that I am not all that old yet.

However it is times like this in which I miss being 19. I wouldn’t have noticed that I only slept for four hours and my body wouldn’t have noticed that I had pushed so hard the night before.

When I consider how hard I pushed myself and how little I ate last night I have to ask one question.

Why are my pants tight.

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  1. Jack's Shack October 12, 2005 at 6:45 pm


    There is nothing like a hot drug rep to make your day.

  2. PsychoToddler October 12, 2005 at 5:55 pm

    I had a hot drug rep say that to me once. Immediately my eyes shot down to her pants. After that my partner commented that his pants were tight too.

    Ugh, and right before Yom Kippur too.


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