The other day someone wished me a Merry Xmas and I responded with Happy Holidays. He went off on a two minute tirade about how my comment was indicative of the problems with the US.
I was feeling feisty so I asked him if he approved of gay marriage. He said no to which I responded that I was glad to hear that because I was interested in sleeping with his daughter. He fumed and sputtered and made the mistake of continuing the conversation with me and because sometimes I enjoy engaging in juvenile and pedantic behavior I obliged him.
He told me that he was sure I was a liberal and a card carrying member of the ACLU. I told him that I was liberal in my use of ketchup and other condiments and asked him if he wanted to give me the secret ACLU handshake. I also told him that on the weekends my ACLU buddies and I liked to go the local hunting lodge and tear it up with the locals. This threw him for a loop but I wasn’t surprised because he was a simple man with simple thoughts that he had never explored.
He told me that he thought that it was a shame that I had killed our lord and I asked him if he really believed that. He said that with my words I was killing him again and again. So I asked him if he believed in the resurrection to which he said yes.
My next point kind of threw him because I asked him a simple question. I said you think that I killed G-d but how can you kill G-d and if I was capable of killing G-d did he think that it was smart to argue with me because if I had that kind of power I might choose to turn him into a newt or force him to live in detroit or cleveland.
At some point a woman joined our conversation and started shouting at me about something. As I am an old hand at pressing buttons I looked at her and asked her snootily if Kate Spade knew that she was carrying a poor knock-off and wondered if her shower curtain had somehow been turned into a dress.
And then she told me that I wasn’t acting very Xtian and I laughed and said that I never did. Little did I know that this would make her so upset that she offered to get on her knees and pray for me. I told her that getting on her knees in the parking lot might get us both arrested and that my wife would be quite upset with me if I let her, but thank you anyway.
In the meantime the man that had started all of this nonsense started yelling something about going on a mission to give every house a nativity scene. I told him that if he could fix the potholes and offer a chicken in every pot that I would vote for him.
And with that I said that I had to leave and so I wished him a Happy Kwanzaa and resumed my shopping.