The Emotionally Detached Male- Random Thoughts
It has been an exceptionally busy weekend. For that matter the last chunk of time has been really busy. It is not something that I really like, being busy like this. Some people prefer to run all day long from place to place. I don’t.
There are times where I am a blur of motion. There are moments in which you might be surprised by the amount of energy and focus that I can dedicate to a project and then it is over. It kind of reminds me of the tide. The tide rolls in and for a time it encompasses all that you can see and then it rolls back out and there is this big empty space where it used to be.
I met with the contractor today. Wow, that is all I have to say. It was a three hour meeting and I really liked what I heard, but the price is a solid 30% above where I want my budget to be. I am meeting with two more contractors this week and will compare notes. So many decisions to make.
During the meeting he mentioned that I was expressionless and wanted to know what I was thinking. I think in very graphic terms, maybe you should call me Walter Mitty as I live my secret lives. Sometimes I am a pirate and sometimes I am the hero in some battle.
Most of the time I am wandering Jerusalem or hiking through various mountain ranges. It is what I do when I start to feel the walls closing in. I go to a Brer Rabbit’s happy place to decompress and consider my options.
After the meeting with the contractor I went to Home Depot, Sears and a couple of appliance stores. I wanted to spend some time checking out prices and looking at potential ideas for the house. As I wandered through Home Depot I saw a woman I dated briefly during my junior year of college. Her name was Lisa.
She was much more interested in dating than I was. She found me at the wrong time. I was heartbroken and torn up. It was a bad time to date me, but I thought that having someone would help me forget the person before her. She tried very hard to keep my attention, but it just wasn’t there for me.
I remember just before we ended things she sat me down to talk to me about my lack of communication. She wanted to know why I didn’t share my feelings. She was angry that she seemed to be the only one who ever had anything to say. I sat there rather stonefaced and listened. I wanted to respond, but the words just weren’t there.
She began to cry and I realized that the best thing to do was to say that I was sorry and to just end things. So I told her that I didn’t think that the time was right and that it just wasn’t working. She cried some more and asked me if I was sure. I said that I was and got ready to leave and then she blasted me. I got a mouthful about being emotionally unavailable.
The odd thing about seeing her today was that the moment I spotted her Faith Hill was being played on the store sound system. These are the lyrics I heard:
“Would you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you’re feeling a little more pain
I gave, now I’m wanting something in return
So cry just a little for me
Cry just a little for me
Could you cry a little for me
hmmm yeah yeah “
If I was superstitious I would wonder about this, or maybe I should wonder about the thing that happened next. I ended up on the same aisle as a band of clevelanders. I was staring at front doors and absentmindedly listening to them talk about some place they used to live. The Shmata Queen would have been really excited. I muttered something about pepper pike and got a snotty look, guess that they must have lived on coventry or someplace like that.
This evening my son told me that he knew what he wanted to do with the house. He took me into his room and explained how we could build the most awesome bedroom. It would be just for boys and it would have 250,000 toys. Yes, he said 250,000.
I asked him how much he thought that it would cost and he said “a million dollars.” So I asked him if he thought that I had enough money to pay for it and he told me to stick out my hand. When I stuck my hand out he slapped it and said that he was giving me “250 zillion dollars.” I thanked him and asked him how to cash the check. He smiled and said “you’ll figure it out.”
Nothing like having my own words parroted back to me. He is right, I will figure it out. I feel very positive about things, but I have to admit that part of that is because one my theme songs is playing on my iPod. In case you are wondering, it is My Way- Frank Sinatra.
“And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, Iâ€™ll say it clear,
Iâ€™ll state my case, of which Iâ€™m certain.
Iâ€™ve lived a life thatâ€™s full.
Iâ€™ve traveled each and evâ€™ry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Regrets, Iâ€™ve had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.
I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Yes, there were times, Iâ€™m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.
Iâ€™ve loved, Iâ€™ve laughed and cried.
Iâ€™ve had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that;
And may I say – not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows –
And did it my way!”