Jesus Hates Me

A long time ago I came to the realization that I am a magnet for people who are mentally and or emotionally disturbed. Inside stores I also seem to attract the attention of people who suffer from shopping cart rage.

I used to think that I must be a part of the problem. I used to wonder if I was giving off some sort of subconscious signal or attitude and then I realized that it was a waste of time to worry about it. That is how I came up with my philosophy “It must be you because it sure as hell isn’t me.”

It is a pretty effective tool that I use to maintain a healthy and pleasant attitude about life. One of these days I am going to write a self-help book with the same title. In the meantime I am going to share a story with you.

Yesterday I stopped at a local hardware store to pick up a few things. I don’t know about you, but any time I go to a place like this Home Depot, OSH, ACE or B&B Hardware I am obligated to walk all of the aisles. You never know when you are going to find a tool or doohickey that you just have to have.

During my little jaunt down the aisles I spotted some odds and ends near the barbecues and decided to go take a look. I barbecue year round so there are always reasons to look and see what is available.

As I sashayed down the aisle towards my target I approached a woman and her shopping cart. Said woman and cart were positioned in such a way that they blocked the entire aisle. I politely said excuse me and waited for her to move.

Me: “Excuse me” (said in a soft and demure tone of voice)
Her: What?

Me: Excuse me, I need to get to the other side of the aisle.
Her: It is a big store. Why can’t you do down the other aisle.

Me: I am sorry.
Her: Sorry about what. That your legs don’t work well enough to go the other way.

Me: Ms. Would you please move over.
Her: It is a big store. Go around.

Me: The stuff I want to see is on the other side of your cart. Would you please move it.
Her: Grumbling something to herself she starts to amble away.

Me: All you had to do was push your cart to the side and this would have been done. A non incident.
Her: Grumbling some more she mutters something unintelligible.

Me: What?
Her: I said that Jesus hates you.

Me: (Chuckling) Doesn’t bother me.
Her: It should.

Me: Why? I am not even sure that he existed and if he did I certainly don’t believe that he was anything more than a man.
Her: You are going to burn.

Me: Sorry, I don’t use lighter fluid. I have a gas grill.
Her: Play all you want, but Jesus still hates you.

Me: It has been a pleasure speaking with you.
Her: Sinner.

I played around with some smartass remarks but opted not to continue engaging her. But I must admit it was hard not to just let them fly. Not because I was angry but just because it would have been fun to tweak her a little.

I must be getting older. Ah, I feel the sands of time blowing away and my youth going with it. Maturity, how very refreshing.

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  1. Jack's Shack May 17, 2006 at 6:29 am


    I am not always so restrained, but sometimes I just don’t have the patience to deal with people. But you are right, people are interesting.


    You are correct. There is no such thing as messianic Judaism and I find it to be incredibly offensive. I must admit that I appreciate the deft way you approached this with far more tact than I responded with.

    I don’t make any excuses. It is a hot button issue with me.

    I played around with walking down a few more aisles with her, but that was only going to incite her and it wasn’t worth it.


    There was more dialogue but I chose not to include it all.

  2. Sweettooth120 May 17, 2006 at 2:16 am

    Like Chandira, I used to always get the bible freaks – whether it was on my college campus or skiing in New Mexico, or the MANY bicyle riding, white shirt, black pants door to door proselytizing mormons. They always find me.

    It’s the same thing with mosquitos. : )

  3. torontopearl May 17, 2006 at 12:59 am

    Whoa, sounds like a scene in the Bible Belt, not California.
    Actually sounds like a scene out of some wacky “drama-dy”.
    You should’ve kept up the dialogue. Could’ve made for an even longer blog post. 🙂

  4. Tracey May 16, 2006 at 6:51 pm

    Although I’m sure you disagree with my belief system, I do read your blog regularly. Let me just say that that woman was rude and weird and certainly does not have a clue about what she obviously considers her own faith. Yes, you showed remarkable restraint. Me? I’d want to play bumper cars with her cart.

  5. Chandira May 16, 2006 at 5:36 pm

    Oh, such awesome restraint Jack!!

    That had me laughing out loud, so sorry you had that incident, and I assure you Jesus would not hate you. Honest.. ROFLMAO… I bet Jesus if he did exist, was a pretty nice guy. 😉

    People are so damn weird, aren’t they? It never ceases to amaze me.

    I have a big neon sign up above my head that attracts them, and I can’t seem to do anything about it. The other day I was hit up 3 times in half an hour by them.. 2 on the same bus! That’s some odds.

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