Jesus Hates Me
A long time ago I came to the realization that I am a magnet for people who are mentally and or emotionally disturbed. Inside stores I also seem to attract the attention of people who suffer from shopping cart rage.
I used to think that I must be a part of the problem. I used to wonder if I was giving off some sort of subconscious signal or attitude and then I realized that it was a waste of time to worry about it. That is how I came up with my philosophy “It must be you because it sure as hell isn’t me.”
It is a pretty effective tool that I use to maintain a healthy and pleasant attitude about life. One of these days I am going to write a self-help book with the same title. In the meantime I am going to share a story with you.
Yesterday I stopped at a local hardware store to pick up a few things. I don’t know about you, but any time I go to a place like this Home Depot, OSH, ACE or B&B Hardware I am obligated to walk all of the aisles. You never know when you are going to find a tool or doohickey that you just have to have.
During my little jaunt down the aisles I spotted some odds and ends near the barbecues and decided to go take a look. I barbecue year round so there are always reasons to look and see what is available.
As I sashayed down the aisle towards my target I approached a woman and her shopping cart. Said woman and cart were positioned in such a way that they blocked the entire aisle. I politely said excuse me and waited for her to move.
Me: “Excuse me” (said in a soft and demure tone of voice)
Me: “Excuse me, I need to get to the other side of the aisle.“
Her: “It is a big store. Why can’t you do down the other aisle.“
Me: “I am sorry.“
Her: “Sorry about what. That your legs don’t work well enough to go the other way.“
Me: “Ms. Would you please move over.“
Her: “It is a big store. Go around.“
Me: The stuff I want to see is on the other side of your cart. Would you please move it.
Her: Grumbling something to herself she starts to amble away.
Me: “All you had to do was push your cart to the side and this would have been done. A non incident.“
Her: Grumbling some more she mutters something unintelligible.
Her: “I said that Jesus hates you.“
Me: (Chuckling) “Doesn’t bother me.“
Her: “It should.“
Me: “Why? I am not even sure that he existed and if he did I certainly don’t believe that he was anything more than a man.“
Her: “You are going to burn.“
Me: “Sorry, I don’t use lighter fluid. I have a gas grill.“
Her: “Play all you want, but Jesus still hates you.“
Me: “It has been a pleasure speaking with you.“
I played around with some smartass remarks but opted not to continue engaging her. But I must admit it was hard not to just let them fly. Not because I was angry but just because it would have been fun to tweak her a little.
I must be getting older. Ah, I feel the sands of time blowing away and my youth going with it. Maturity, how very refreshing.