A felllow at the gym is preparing to take a trip to Canada and has asked for my help. He heard from another guy that I have spent some time in Toronto and thought that I might be able to assist him with something.
It seems that he is concerned about America’s image abroad and wants to know How To Deal With Angry Canadians as he is sure that they are going to want to speak with him I know that this sounds ridiculous, that is what I thought. On the other hand I have been playing ball with him for about three years now and know that he is a bit of a wingnut.
So the man approaches me with his concerns and asked me a couple of pointed questions. He opened with a short little diatribe about how no “Dudley Do-right” was going to be able to get the better of him because he was going to use his preemptive strike ability. Apparently this means that he was going to start cursing first.
Don’t forget that this guy is more than just a little wacky. Anyway, he tells me that part of his plan involves being able to curse at them in their own language.
“Jack, give me five or six really good curse words in Candian. I don’t need any more than that because I am really good at combining them.”
In case you are wondering he is a former candidate for Mensa, but I digress.
“Jim, just use your standard American terms. You don’t need any more than that.”
Don’t ask me why I didn’t ask him why he assumed that he would have trouble. I must have been caught in the moment, or maybe stupidity is contagious, in which case you better take two steps back from your computer monitor.
“Really? Isn’t there something better?”
“Not really, just choose from your standard package of your favorite four letter words.”
For a moment this sufficed and then he thought about it. While the smoke poured out of his ears I tried to think of something that would hold his immense attention span for more than two minutes.
“Ok, if you feel that you really must insult them say something about them being the 51st state or some sort of extension of the US. Ask them if they ride a moose to school. But be careful.“
Apparently this worked as he trotted off into the locker room as happy as a clam. Of course now if there is some kind of international incident I may be partially responsible, as if I needed any more complications in my life.