Archives for May 2006

My son has a very sweet and tender side. Last night he began asking his parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles to tell him what they like about his little sister.

He took that information and has created a list of things that we like about his sister. After I wrote that last post I took a moment to read the list. I couldn’t be more proud of him.

In his own handwriting we have a document I’ll treasure forever.

1. Her eyes.
2. Her curls.
3. Her smile.
4. Her laugh.
5. Her hugs and kisses.

I am raising menschen. I suppose that things are pretty good.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to the guy I used to be. The sarcastic, insouciant bloke who just didn’t give a damn and loved living life. I really used to be him. Don’t get me wrong, when I say that I didn’t give a damn it doesn’t mean that I didn’t care about anything, far from it.

I always had things that concerned me. I have always had my share of issues that I was concerned about, but they were primarily external issues. I didn’t worry about my ability to provide, I didn’t worry about what kind of father I was or anything like that.

Maybe it is the impact of the real world. Maybe it comes from stories like this or from watching friends die and hearing stories about people I know being murdered. Maybe it comes from a thousand different things, I don’t know.

What I know is that I feel like a walking contradiction. My self-confidence was shaken by something and sometimes it feels like it was broken forever. Yet, I cannot help but believe that this was a good thing. I cannot help but believe that adversity can be used as a positive, that it can be a source of growth.

It sounds like a load of horseshit and maybe it is. Maybe I am engaging in my own mental mindfuck, but in the end we all have to find a way to get out of bed in the morning. In the end no matter how much love or support we have we are still alone inside our own skin and it is our job to figure out how to live.

We can be comfortable in the quiet of the evening. We can be at ease in our own skin or we can do otherwise. You can fill in your own metaphor for discomfort, I just don’t like the crap I keep coming up with.

Back to the contradiction. I don’t always worry. I don’t spend all of my time afraid of those things that I can’t control. Most of the time I keep the nagging demons at bay and I live without making myself any crazier than I already am.

But sometimes I just can’t do it. Sometimes I feel so damn weak and worn down. Sometimes I sit in the dark and look out the window and wonder how to make it. Sometimes I wonder about my father and grandfathers. I don’t remember them like this and even though each of them has shared their stories of self-doubt with me it just seems different. It is not that I think of myself as being special, just that they seemed so much better at dealing. Or maybe it is that I hear the stories of the past and I pick up on the confidence that they exude from having survived those times.

I don’t know. What I know is that at times I worry so damn much about my children and their safety. I am a news hound yet I find myself avoiding more and more stories about children. It is not like me. As much as I may worry I am also an advocate of taking on challenges headon. Better to get it over than to leave too much time to worry.

Yet, these stories rip a hole in my heart and tear at my soul. The things that I read about. The stories about these children are like tiny pin pricks. Each time I read them I feel badly for that child and their family and then I thank G-d for my own blessings.

In the end I always come back to the same place. Though I may agonize over these things I do what I do because that is what I do. That is a copyrighted statement of mine along with it is what it is.

I live because I don’t know how else to do be. It sounds ridiculous but…

The US Civil War or The War Between the States is something that has always interested me. For a brief timeline of the war click here. Those of you who are not from the states probably are less familiar with this and how many Civil War buffs are still walking around today.

Many of them spend copious amounts of time involving themselves in reenactments of battles and life as it was during that time.

Civil War Reenactment HQ offers a collection of information about this including a lists of events, units, and a beginners guide to reenactments.

The Civil War Reenactors Homepage has a lot of information as well. But what I really wanted to write about here are those old time photographs that we see from that time period. Photography was much more time consuming and difficult than it is today.

“During the Civil War, the process of taking photographs was complex and time-consuming. Two photographers would arrive at a location. One would mix chemicals and pour them on a clean glass plate. After the chemicals were given time to evaporate, the glass plate would be sensitized by being immersed — in darkness — in a bath solution. Placed in a holder, the plate would then be inserted in the camera, which had been positioned and focused by the other photographer. Exposure of the plate and development of the photograph had to be completed within minutes; then the exposed plate was rushed to the darkroom wagon for developing. Each fragile glass plate had to be treated with great care after development — a difficult task on a battlefield.”
Pictured above Cold Harbor, Va. Photographer’s wagon and tent Between 1860 and 1865

Aside from the difficulty in taking photos I always find it interesting to see how serious so many of the subjects of the photos were. Few if any appear to be smiling.Thanks to the Library of Congress I have a few samples to share here. This link takes you here:

The Selected Civil War Photographs Collection contains 1,118 photographs. Most of the images were made under the supervision of Mathew B. Brady, and include scenes of military personnel, preparations for battle, and battle after-effects. The collection also includes portraits of both Confederate and Union officers, and a selection of enlisted men. An additional two hundred autographed portraits of army and navy officers, politicians, and cultural figures can be seen in the Civil War photograph album, ca. 1861-65. (James Wadsworth Family Papers). The full album pages are displayed as well as the front and verso of each carte de visite, revealing studio logos, addresses, and other imprint information on the approximately twenty photographers represented in the album.

[Washington, D.C. President Lincoln’s funeral procession on Pennsylvania Avenue].

[Atlanta, Ga. Gen. William T. Sherman, leaning on breach of gun, and staff at Federal Fort No. 7].

[Fort Monroe, Va. Officers and ladies on porch of a garrison house].

One of these days I am going to have to learn how to code more effectively so that I can lay these out in nicer and more orderly fashion.