Happy Holidays is An Appropriate Greeting

Recycled because some people just need to see it again.

The other day someone wished me a Merry Xmas and I responded with Happy Holidays. He went off on a two minute tirade about how my comment was indicative of the problems with the US.

I was feeling feisty so I asked him if he approved of gay marriage. He said no to which I responded that I was glad to hear that because I was interested in sleeping with his daughter. He fumed and sputtered and made the mistake of continuing the conversation with me and because sometimes I enjoy engaging in juvenile and pedantic behavior I obliged him.

He told me that he was sure I was a liberal and a card carrying member of the ACLU. I told him that I was liberal in my use of ketchup and other condiments and asked him if he wanted to give me the secret ACLU handshake. I also told him that on the weekends my ACLU buddies and I liked to go the local hunting lodge and tear it up with the locals. This threw him for a loop but I wasn’t surprised because he was a simple man with simple thoughts that he had never explored.

He told me that he thought that it was a shame that I had killed our lord and I asked him if he really believed that. He said that with my words I was killing him again and again. So I asked him if he believed in the resurrection to which he said yes.

My next point kind of threw him because I asked him a simple question. I said you think that I killed G-d but how can you kill G-d and if I was capable of killing G-d did he think that it was smart to argue with me because if I had that kind of power I might choose to turn him into a newt or force him to live in detroit or cleveland.

At some point a woman joined our conversation and started shouting at me about something. As I am an old hand at pressing buttons I looked at her and asked her snootily if Kate Spade knew that she was carrying a poor knock-off and wondered if her shower curtain had somehow been turned into a dress.

And then she told me that I wasn’t acting very Xtian and I laughed and said that I never did. Little did I know that this would make her so upset that she offered to get on her knees and pray for me. I told her that getting on her knees in the parking lot might get us both arrested and that my wife would be quite upset with me if I let her, but thank you anyway.

In the meantime the man that had started all of this nonsense started yelling something about going on a mission to give every house a nativity scene. I told him that if he could fix the potholes and offer a chicken in every pot that I would vote for him.

And with that I said that I had to leave and so I wished him a Happy Kwanzaa and resumed my shopping.

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  1. Jack's Shack June 13, 2006 at 6:24 am


    Trust me, I have shared it with many others in the past.


    I am a heathen which is why they want to save me. As for not taunting them, well I am not quite grown up enough for that yet.

  2. Val June 12, 2006 at 2:00 pm

    Jack, you heathen, you! 🙂 Stop taunting ‘those’ people. You KNOW they just can’t help their poor ignorant selves!
    Loved reading this. (missed reading it when it was originally posted!)

  3. Chana June 12, 2006 at 12:51 pm

    Oh, you forgot to tell him that it was the Romans to killed his god. Catholics have been acknowledging that for what, decades now? I know, it’s less fun to confuse these people with the facts…

  4. Chana June 12, 2006 at 12:44 pm

    That would have been worth the price of admission!! Certainly worth reading a couple times a year. “Happy Holidays” in June! Shavuos, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Flag Day, any other international holidays coming up?

    “Happy Holidays” isn’t new. Marketers were using it when my mom was dragging me around Bradlees in the 70s. This year it was just the conservatives deflecting attention from the Iraq war during the “holiday” shopping season.

    In our (relatively, compared to Cleveland) small city, I actually had a clerk (middle aged woman) wish me Happy Passover (she actually paid attention to what I was buying, and my attire, I suppose). I paid her a compliment at the front desk. The next time I was in the store she avoided me. LOL. Should I have stopped at “Thank you”?? Geez…

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