Every office has at least one office pest. Here’s RedEye’s list of some of the worst offenders.
The Borrower: Always takes things from your desk, and you never see them again. The Groper: Always finds a way to put a hand on your shoulder or brush against you in meetings. The Close-talker: If she gets any closer you’d be making out. The Fridge Foe: Better put a lock on that sandwich or else he’ll steal it. The Loud Speaker: Hasn’t mastered the “inside voice” and talks so loud on the phone that you, too, have to live through all his personal and professional drama. The Slow Joe: Takes an hour to explain something that should take a minute. The Nervous Nelly: Twists her hair into dreadlocks, incessantly clicks her pen or constantly cracks her knuckles. The Pontificator: Nothing’s a simple “yes” or “no.” The Noisemaker: Whistling, tapping, sneezing, humming or performing some awful impression at all times. The Copier: Don’t worry about missing the latest hip catchphrase, you’ll hear it every time you run into him, usually accompanied by the ol’ finger pistols. The Fish: Gives you the hated Limp Handshake and has the personality to match. The Know It All: Puts in his 2 cents in all conversations, even if he’s not involved. And he’s always right, or else he’ll keep talking. So, just agree with him. The Whiner: Spends the entire shift complaining—about co-workers, workload, management, corporate policies. Yet he’s worked there for years and probably will never, ever leave. The Gossip: Always fanning the flames of office politics. Usually knows the latest scoop—but if not, makes it up The Breather: Has perpetual bad breath and needs a mint especially after 2 p.m. The Pre-Divorcee: Has daily fights on phone, for all to hear, about the messy divorce he or she is going through.
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Left out The Classic Richard: Thinks he’s the boss, takes an hour paper break EVERY.SINGLE.DAY, doesn’t have a clue about what the business is even about but can reiterate what you explain to him in such a clever way as to make it sound like his own idea. Thinks one subject and one subject only appeals to particular office-mates and only speaks to them about it (for me, oh joy, it’s the Jews), can be talking to you about urgent office project but if he sniffs that the Boss has walked into his office…he breaks in mid-sentence and leaves. Slurps his coffee at the coffee machine, licks the sugar spoon and puts it BACK IN!!!, steals food and has an uncanny ability to sense when company has arrived so he can bullshit with them for an hour and then snake his way into whatever meeting they’re having with the Boss. Touches EVERYONE, including the Boss (he removed lint from his shirt one day.) Is completely paranoid about everyone in the office but always chats up the secretary, telling her he’s the Boss’s “right hand man” and the second in command. Completely delusional.
Yep, a classic.