This always makes me smile.
ANGER MANAGEMENT When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.
It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, “Hello.” I politely said, “This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?”
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an asshole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said: “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re interested in the Caller ID program?” He yelled “NO!” and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!”
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is.” “Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
“What’s your name?” “My name is Don Burgemeyer,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes?” “Don, you’re an asshole.”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
“You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I screamed back.
“Who are you?” he demanded.
“My name is Don Burgemeyer.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“I live at 1802 West 34th Street, ASSHOLE!
It’s a yellow house, with my black beemer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over there right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole.”
Then I called Asshole #2.
“Hello?” he said. “Hello, asshole,” I said…again, without hanging up.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are!”
“Yeah, you’ll what?” I said. “I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
NOW, I feel better.
Anger management really works!!!
Jack's Shack September 13, 2006 at 5:59 am
Glad that I was able to make you smile.
And speaking of Hitchcock, giving birth to a seven year old is something that I would expect to see in one of his movies.
Soccer Dad September 12, 2006 at 3:48 pm
Chana – you gave birth to a 7 year old ? 🙂
Jack – I remember a story from an Alfred Hitchcock anthology about a guy who was terminally ill. So he took it upon himself to try to make the world a better place by killing anyone who was rude.
Yes your story brought that old one to mind.
Jack's Shack September 12, 2006 at 7:35 am
I am glad that you all enjoyed it.
Val September 12, 2006 at 2:13 am
THIS is hysterical…. i laughed out loud! Thanks for making me smile on an otherwise extremly SAD SAD day… I so needed this! 🙂
The Misanthrope September 12, 2006 at 2:05 am
Jack, that is really good! I might have to use it for a play. I already used your new toilet post.
kasamba September 11, 2006 at 9:27 pm
THAT is by far the best thing ever written!!!!!!
Chana September 11, 2006 at 4:52 pm
This is a classic. I remember getting that when I was working, and I left my job when my 7 year old was born.
Jewish Blogmeister September 11, 2006 at 4:01 pm
That is truly hysterical I laughed all the way to to the bank with that one!