Happy Holidays is An Appropriate Greeting

(This is a repeat from last year)

The other day someone wished me a Merry Xmas and I responded with Happy Holidays. He went off on a two minute tirade about how my comment was indicative of the problems with the US.

I was feeling feisty so I asked him if he approved of gay marriage. He said no to which I responded that I was glad to hear that because I was interested in sleeping with his daughter. He fumed and sputtered and made the mistake of continuing the conversation with me and because sometimes I enjoy engaging in juvenile and pedantic behavior I obliged him.

He told me that he was sure I was a liberal and a card carrying member of the ACLU. I told him that I was liberal in my use of ketchup and other condiments and asked him if he wanted to give me the secret ACLU handshake. I also told him that on the weekends my ACLU buddies and I liked to go the local hunting lodge and tear it up with the locals. This threw him for a loop but I wasn’t surprised because he was a simple man with simple thoughts that he had never explored.

He told me that he thought that it was a shame that I had killed our lord and I asked him if he really believed that. He said that with my words I was killing him again and again. So I asked him if he believed in the resurrection to which he said yes.

My next point kind of threw him because I asked him a simple question. I said you think that I killed G-d but how can you kill G-d and if I was capable of killing G-d did he think that it was smart to argue with me because if I had that kind of power I might choose to turn him into a newt or force him to live in detroit or cleveland.

At some point a woman joined our conversation and started shouting at me about something. As I am an old hand at pressing buttons I looked at her and asked her snootily if Kate Spade knew that she was carrying a poor knock-off and wondered if her shower curtain had somehow been turned into a dress.

And then she told me that I wasn’t acting very Xtian and I laughed and said that I never did. Little did I know that this would make her so upset that she offered to get on her knees and pray for me. I told her that getting on her knees in the parking lot might get us both arrested and that my wife would be quite upset with me if I let her, but thank you anyway.

In the meantime the man that had started all of this nonsense started yelling something about going on a mission to give every house a nativity scene. I told him that if he could fix the potholes and offer a chicken in every pot that I would vote for him.

And with that I said that I had to leave and so I wished him a Happy Kwanzaa and resumed my shopping.

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9 Comments

  1. Jack's Shack November 17, 2006 at 7:24 am

    Sheyna,

    It has its good points and its bad, believe me.

  2. Sheyna Galyan November 16, 2006 at 3:26 pm

    ROFL!

    Man, I wish I had that talent!

  3. Jack's Shack November 13, 2006 at 3:39 pm

    I realy like the expression ‘Happy Holidays’ actually, just because it’s so inclusive.

    Chosha,

    Me too.

  4. chosha November 13, 2006 at 12:43 pm

    I wish everybody a Merry Christmas, but that’s just habit. Plus I don’t know any Jewish people in Australia; I don’t think the Jewish community is very large here. A few friends and I used to celebrate Chrunnukah when we lived in the same city, so we could have one celebration together.

    I realy like the expression ‘Happy Holidays’ actually, just because it’s so inclusive. It’s like saying, ‘whatever it is you celebrate this season, I hope you and yours are happy and well’. So Happy Holidays, Jack!

  5. Chana November 12, 2006 at 7:09 am

    6’8 285?

    OK, I’m afraid of you now.

  6. Chandira November 10, 2006 at 7:52 pm

    ROFLMAO… That was truly awesome.. (Dang! Wish I’d been a bystander..)

    I often wonder how Xtains think they’re doing the right thing when they spread so much hatred.

  7. Jack's Shack November 10, 2006 at 5:31 pm

    MBM,

    🙂

    SS,

    It is possible, but most people think twice before they fight with a man who is 6’8 285 pounds.

  8. Subway Sally November 10, 2006 at 4:36 pm

    LOL. 🙂

    But seriously, Jack, one of these days, you’re gonna get yourself killed when you push the wrong person’s buttons.

  9. marallyn ben moshe November 10, 2006 at 11:14 am

    hahahaha…no wait let me say that better…HAHAHAHAHAHA…

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