The Salvation Army Bell Ringer Doesn’t Like Me
Now I know that you are going to be surprised to hear this, but during a recent trip to the store I was accosted by the bell ringer for the Salvation Army.
Army: Sir, could you spare some change?
Me: Not today.
Army: Just a little would help.
Me: A little would help me too.
Army: Perhaps you can give something small.
Me: Perhaps you might like to give me something small.
Army: Sorry, I can’t help you today.
Me: No problem. I can’t help you either.
Army: My refusal shouldn’t stop you.
Me: Stop me from what?
Army: From making a donation.
Me: It is not going to happen.
Army: Just give something.
Me: Ok. How about some advice.
Army: Seriously, just give me something.
Me: I am serious. Give me something first and I’ll consider it.
Army: That is not how it works.
Me: Oh really.
Army: Yes. Jesus asks that you give and when you do you are rewarded.
Me: I don’t think that you want to go there with me.
Army: Why? Don’t you want to learn about how you can be saved.
Me: It would be easier to shoot up with heroin and far less painful.
Army: That is really offensive.
Me: Nah, I haven’t even begun to be offensive. Say something else and let’s see what happens.
Army: Sir, it is not my fault that your heart won’t let you see.
Me: It is not my fault that you have been lied to for your entire life either.
Army: G-d will forgive you.
Me: You don’t know what G-d will or won’t do so stop speaking for him/her or it.
Army: All that energy and what have you accomplished.
Me: I have kept you from bothering the fine folks that shop at this establishment that wishes all of its good patrons happy holidays.
Army: Perhaps you should just leave.
Me: Nah, I like it here. I think that I may set up my own bucket. Instead of a bell I am going to use an air horn. Since the establishment has a big sign saying that they don’t approve of soliciting I should have as much right to hang out here as you do.
Army: Would you just leave?
Me: Give me twenty bucks and I’ll take off.
Army: Twenty. No way.
Me: What about 15.
Army: Uh, no.
Me: Ten?
Army: No
Me: Ok, what about five.
And with that the bell ringer broke down and reached into the bucket. With a stern look on his face he handed me a five dollar bill and pointed towards the parking lot.
I’ll have to try this again at a different store.
Jack's Shack December 24, 2006 at 7:43 am
Why?
FrumWithQuestions December 22, 2006 at 3:32 pm
This is pretty funny but at the same time it is hard to believe that this actually happened.
Jack's Shack December 22, 2006 at 8:29 am
Sheyna,
I just might have to do that.
Tamara,
Of course I gave the money to tzedakah.
Orie,
A videocamera strapped to my body would provide hours of horrifying experiences.
Sweet,
Those cameras revealed too many crooks.
Jacob,
I used to get the occasional bagel at Bonkers.
PT,
Way. Wow, are we channeling Keanu or what. Whoa.
Anon,
No, the bell ringer came after me. If I had been feeling feistier I would have taken that bell and….
Anonymous December 22, 2006 at 3:42 am
The bell ringer was the one who was accosted here not you. Every kettle is locked so there is no way the ringer reached into the kettle and gave you $5. This story is simply just that, A STORY.
PsychoToddler December 21, 2006 at 9:27 pm
No. Way.
Jacob Da Jew December 21, 2006 at 6:41 pm
Man, that was very funny.Reminds me of when I used to work at Bonkers Bagels in the Old City.There was this old lady,Levana,that collected money.If you didnt give her ,she would curse you with her foul and toothless mouth.
I was the manager of the store then so I became “friendly” with her.So much that she confided in me that she is actaully loaded and that she only collects …because its an addiction!lol.What a broad.
Hold up,she wanted to name me in her will.Politely,I declined.Now I’m thinking ,I should have agreed.
LOL
Sweettooth120 December 21, 2006 at 5:25 pm
I use to give change to them, but not after seeing too many undercover videos of the folks pocketing the money. Pretty sad huh?
Anonymous December 21, 2006 at 5:01 pm
Army: Why? Don’t you want to learn about how you can be saved.
Me: It would be easier to shoot up with heroin and far less painful.
Tell us how you really feel Jack.
This is too funny – if only we could strap a videocamera onto you.
Tamara December 21, 2006 at 3:20 pm
Ok, it’s freaking funny, and the bell ringers make me look away as if they aren’t there…but…did you really KEEP that $5 and if so, I hope you put it towards tzedakkah 🙂
Happy 7th!
Sheyna Galyan December 21, 2006 at 6:38 am
ROFL!!!
I love it! With your “Happy Holidays is an Appropriate Greeting” from November of 2005 still in mind, this was a hilarious follow up. You should start a series of these!
I’m laughing too hard to go to sleep…