The Salvation Army Bell Ringer Doesn’t Like Me

Now I know that you are going to be surprised to hear this, but during a recent trip to the store I was accosted by the bell ringer for the Salvation Army.

Army: Sir, could you spare some change?
Me: Not today.

Army: Just a little would help.
Me: A little would help me too.

Army: Perhaps you can give something small.
Me: Perhaps you might like to give me something small.

Army: Sorry, I can’t help you today.
Me: No problem. I can’t help you either.

Army: My refusal shouldn’t stop you.
Me: Stop me from what?

Army: From making a donation.
Me: It is not going to happen.

Army: Just give something.
Me: Ok. How about some advice.

Army: Seriously, just give me something.
Me: I am serious. Give me something first and I’ll consider it.

Army: That is not how it works.
Me: Oh really.

Army: Yes. Jesus asks that you give and when you do you are rewarded.
Me: I don’t think that you want to go there with me.

Army: Why? Don’t you want to learn about how you can be saved.
Me: It would be easier to shoot up with heroin and far less painful.

Army: That is really offensive.
Me: Nah, I haven’t even begun to be offensive. Say something else and let’s see what happens.

Army: Sir, it is not my fault that your heart won’t let you see.
Me: It is not my fault that you have been lied to for your entire life either.

Army: G-d will forgive you.
Me: You don’t know what G-d will or won’t do so stop speaking for him/her or it.

Army: All that energy and what have you accomplished.
Me: I have kept you from bothering the fine folks that shop at this establishment that wishes all of its good patrons happy holidays.

Army: Perhaps you should just leave.
Me: Nah, I like it here. I think that I may set up my own bucket. Instead of a bell I am going to use an air horn. Since the establishment has a big sign saying that they don’t approve of soliciting I should have as much right to hang out here as you do.

Army: Would you just leave?
Me: Give me twenty bucks and I’ll take off.

Army: Twenty. No way.
Me: What about 15.

Army: Uh, no.
Me: Ten?

Army: No
Me: Ok, what about five.

And with that the bell ringer broke down and reached into the bucket. With a stern look on his face he handed me a five dollar bill and pointed towards the parking lot.

I’ll have to try this again at a different store.

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10 Comments

  1. FrumWithQuestions December 22, 2006 at 3:32 pm

    This is pretty funny but at the same time it is hard to believe that this actually happened.

  2. Jack's Shack December 22, 2006 at 8:29 am

    Sheyna,

    I just might have to do that.

    Tamara,

    Of course I gave the money to tzedakah.

    Orie,

    A videocamera strapped to my body would provide hours of horrifying experiences.

    Sweet,

    Those cameras revealed too many crooks.

    Jacob,

    I used to get the occasional bagel at Bonkers.

    PT,

    Way. Wow, are we channeling Keanu or what. Whoa.

    Anon,

    No, the bell ringer came after me. If I had been feeling feistier I would have taken that bell and….

  3. Anonymous December 22, 2006 at 3:42 am

    The bell ringer was the one who was accosted here not you. Every kettle is locked so there is no way the ringer reached into the kettle and gave you $5. This story is simply just that, A STORY.

  4. PsychoToddler December 21, 2006 at 9:27 pm

    No. Way.

  5. Jacob Da Jew December 21, 2006 at 6:41 pm

    Man, that was very funny.Reminds me of when I used to work at Bonkers Bagels in the Old City.There was this old lady,Levana,that collected money.If you didnt give her ,she would curse you with her foul and toothless mouth.

    I was the manager of the store then so I became “friendly” with her.So much that she confided in me that she is actaully loaded and that she only collects …because its an addiction!lol.What a broad.

    Hold up,she wanted to name me in her will.Politely,I declined.Now I’m thinking ,I should have agreed.

    LOL

  6. Sweettooth120 December 21, 2006 at 5:25 pm

    I use to give change to them, but not after seeing too many undercover videos of the folks pocketing the money. Pretty sad huh?

  7. Anonymous December 21, 2006 at 5:01 pm

    Army: Why? Don’t you want to learn about how you can be saved.
    Me: It would be easier to shoot up with heroin and far less painful.

    Tell us how you really feel Jack.

    This is too funny – if only we could strap a videocamera onto you.

  8. Tamara December 21, 2006 at 3:20 pm

    Ok, it’s freaking funny, and the bell ringers make me look away as if they aren’t there…but…did you really KEEP that $5 and if so, I hope you put it towards tzedakkah 🙂

    Happy 7th!

  9. Sheyna Galyan December 21, 2006 at 6:38 am

    ROFL!!!

    I love it! With your “Happy Holidays is an Appropriate Greeting” from November of 2005 still in mind, this was a hilarious follow up. You should start a series of these!

    I’m laughing too hard to go to sleep…

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