Now I know that you are going to be surprised to hear this, but during a recent trip to the store I was accosted by the bell ringer for the Salvation Army.
Army: Sir, could you spare some change?
Me: Not today.
Army: Just a little would help.
Me: A little would help me too.
Army: Perhaps you can give something small.
Me: Perhaps you might like to give me something small.
Army: Sorry, I can’t help you today.
Me: No problem. I can’t help you either.
Army: My refusal shouldn’t stop you.
Me: Stop me from what?
Army: From making a donation.
Me: It is not going to happen.
Army: Just give something.
Me: Ok. How about some advice.
Army: Seriously, just give me something.
Me: I am serious. Give me something first and I’ll consider it.
Army: That is not how it works.
Me: Oh really.
Army: Yes. Jesus asks that you give and when you do you are rewarded.
Me: I don’t think that you want to go there with me.
Army: Why? Don’t you want to learn about how you can be saved.
Me: It would be easier to shoot up with heroin and far less painful.
Army: That is really offensive.
Me: Nah, I haven’t even begun to be offensive. Say something else and let’s see what happens.
Army: Sir, it is not my fault that your heart won’t let you see.
Me: It is not my fault that you have been lied to for your entire life either.
Army: G-d will forgive you.
Me: You don’t know what G-d will or won’t do so stop speaking for him/her or it.
Army: All that energy and what have you accomplished.
Me: I have kept you from bothering the fine folks that shop at this establishment that wishes all of its good patrons happy holidays.
Army: Perhaps you should just leave.
Me: Nah, I like it here. I think that I may set up my own bucket. Instead of a bell I am going to use an air horn. Since the establishment has a big sign saying that they don’t approve of soliciting I should have as much right to hang out here as you do.
Army: Would you just leave?
Me: Give me twenty bucks and I’ll take off.
Army: Twenty. No way.
Me: What about 15.
Army: Uh, no.
Me: Ok, what about five.
And with that the bell ringer broke down and reached into the bucket. With a stern look on his face he handed me a five dollar bill and pointed towards the parking lot.
I’ll have to try this again at a different store.