If you ask the Shmata Queen she’ll confirm that it is never a good idea to take me to a mall during the so called holiday season. The gaudy decorations, stupid holiday music and the maddening behavior of the crowds make me want to pluck out my eyeballs with a rusty fork.
Thanks to the magic of online shopping I have managed to dramatically reduce the amount of time that I have to spend in these overcrowded cattle cars. Each year I say a sheheckeyanu for Jeff Bezos and company. In plain English that means that I give the dude a chunk of my hard earned cash and a hearty thank you.
But sometimes you get stuck and you are forced to go to the dreaded mall. Today is one of those days. I wonder if someone didn’t go and replace my brain with a soft melon. What the hell am I thinking. I’ll tell you what I am thinking.
I am thinking that if I get some Chanukah gifts today I can send them back courtesy of my sisters and company. I am thinking that they can pack them up and hold onto them until the holiday starts. I am thinking that instead of scrambling at the last minute I can be ahead of the game.
Still, I am a like a little kid that doesn’t want to go to school. I dread the idea of going. Just thinking about it makes me want to bang my head against the wall. You’ll have to excuse me. I am going to go sedate myself with a big latte and then hit the mall hard and fast.