A quick comment about this post. Given the activities of the past day I hesitated on writing such fluff but decided that it was time for something a bit lighter. For more background you can read Walking Through The Mall Part I.
As you may recall on my way through the parking lot I encountered a number of different people. The last was the Crazy Broad whose driving skills rivaled a drunk blind man. The brief transcript of our conversation doesn’t quite do justice to her, or should I say that it doesn’t begin to describe how fast she spoke.
Her comments came out in great bursts that were accompanied by exaggerated hand gestures. I imagine that had I grabbed her hands it would have served the same function as a mute button, but I digress.
In spite of the challenges presented by the various denizens who haunt the parking lot I managed to enter the mall. Once inside I strode purposefully towards Macys. I knew that somewhere inside the belly of the beast I’d find what I had come for.
What I didn’t count on was being waylaid again and again by mall people. More specifically I was captured by different members of the Salesraeli tribe. In spite of my best efforts to avoid them their tractor beams grabbed a hold of my ship and pulled me in.
Salesraeli: Sir, do you have a girlfriend?
Me: I have many friends who are girls.
Salesraeli: Have you ever thought about getting them a very nice gift?
Me: I give them the gift of me.
Salesraeli: Look at these products. They are amazing. They are from an amazing place called The Dead Sea.
Me: You want me to give them something that will kill them. Why? Do you want to be my girlfriend?
Salesraeli: Sir, you are very funny.
Me: So is George Carlin, but he is dead now.
Salesraeli: I don’t understand.
Me: Neither do I. What are we talking about.
Salesraeli: Sir, let me show you what these amazing products can do for your nails.
Me: Wow, you are right. That is amazing. The nail that I chew on is really shiny.
Salesraeli: Your girlfriend will love it.
Me: How do you know?
Salesraeli: Because I am a woman and we like to look beautiful.
Me: Wait, are you going to ask me if those jeans make you look fat.
Salesraeli: Look what else I have for you. Amazing mud from the Dead Sea.
Me: Give me a hose and some dirt and I can make amazing mud from America.
Salesraeli: Dead Sea mud is different.
Me: Because it is dead.
Salesraeli: No, because it has special things in it that help your skin.
Me: Boy, I should really give her a special gift for her skin.
Salesraeli: If you buy this for your girlfriend she’ll give you a special gift.
Me: I don’t know.
Salesraeli: This normally sales for $50.00, but for you I’ll give you a special price.
Me: Ok, how does five bucks sound.
Salesraeli: Sir, you really do like to play jokes.
Me: I stopped playing jokes years ago. Too hard on the remains of my intellect.
Salesraeli: I am sorry, sometimes my English is not too good.
Me: That is ok, sometimes my Hebrew isn’t too good.
Oy, this is too painful to continue. Perhaps we’ll pick it up at a later date.