(This is a copy of the cover letter I send out when I am looking for work)
Dear Hiring Manager,
If you are need in of adding to the mediocrity of your department and want someone who can fill a cubicle than I might be the right person for the job.
Most days Iâ€™ll come in somewhere close to our agreed upon starting time. Iâ€™ll slowly make my way to my desk and then collapse in my seat where Iâ€™ll spend precious moments building a paper clip necklace or staring aimlessly at the calendar.
While I wait for my computer to boot up Iâ€™ll head over to the kitchen because you canâ€™t really expect me to start working without a cup of coffee. With any luck Jim or Sue will have had the good sense to bring in some donuts because a day at the office without a donut just isnâ€™t the same.
Eventually Iâ€™ll make my way back to my desk to begin my day. But before I get started Iâ€™ll have to check my Facebook account and see if any of my friends have put up any funny jokes that I can steal and claim for my own.
Besides I learned in business school that happy employees are far more productive than unhappy ones. Or maybe I read that on one of those Facebook quizzes. You know I took one that told me that told me that this position is the perfect job for me which is another reason why you should hire me.
Anyway, I hope that your company offers a lot of breaks. I read online that some countries in Europe have a mandate that every employee be given at least two hours of nap time. Some of them even require that companies allow them to bring their pets to work or pay extra for doggie daycare.
When you call me for my interview please make sure that it is not before ten am or youâ€™ll wake me up. Oh, and donâ€™t call after five because that is when I like to go to the gym. Canâ€™t wait to hear from you and tell you why I am going to be your next employee.