The dark haired beauty looked up at me and asked me if daddies ever cry. I smiled back at her and said that sometimes they do. She looked up at me and asked why she hadn’t ever seen me cry. I smiled again and asked her why.
“Abba, it is ok to cry. It doesn’t mean that you are a baby,” she replied. And with that she pulled my head down and kissed my black eye. For a moment I stopped and stared at her, not really sure what to say. So I hugged her and told her that she was right.
And then I thought back to a post I wrote five years ago called The tears that do not fall. In that post I related the story of how a 14 year-old boy swore that he wouldn’t cry anymore. That post stands out for a number of reasons. It was among the first in which I really opened up here. It was among the first that made me realize that there was far more potential here than I had ever realized.
It stands out because it is our character for me. I suppose If you only know me through the blogosphere that might sound strange, but in person I am relatively guarded and careful with what I am willing to share. I don’t open up very easily. Too many years of doing otherwise.
Five years later I still rarely cry. It is better than it was. It is easier than it was, but it is still rare. In fact, I don’t think that anyone has really seen me cry in person since I was that teenage boy. I won’t say that it is impossible or unlikely for things to change. It is a safe bet to say that one of these days that will change.
But it is not going to come easily. I look back at that post and five years later much of it is familiar, too familiar. Don’t misunderstand, I don’t see crying as a panacea for all that troubles me. I don’t think that it is going to fix all of the challenges I may face at a particular time. I am not convinced that it is always going to make me feel better.
But I think that it will help. I think that some things that bother me may disappear or at least fade away more quickly. I think that it might make it easier to let go. For now I suppose that I will just have to wait and see what happens.