I am guilty of blogging while bitter. I am BWB with a dose of angry, cantankerous, curmudgeonly and a dash of STFU.
To paraphrase the dark haired beauty 2009 has been a very, very, very, very, very, very troubling year. Back in the early days of this blog I would have laid out all of the reasons why. I wouldn’t have thought twice about displaying all the goods, warts and all.
Back then when I had complete anonymity it was easy to say whatever, do whatever and go on. But it is different now, life is different.
Now, I am beset and besieged on all sides. The castle is under attack and I don’t see the white rider on the horizon. There is no calvary coming to the rescue, no hope from the outside. The situation I find myself in is the sort of thing that lends itself to the phrase that heroes are made, not born.
The ambiguity is intentional. I use this place as a refuge but some people aren’t entitled to seeing all that goes on behind the scenes. Some people don’t deserve to know it all. In that recipe above I forgot to mention that it should include stupid and defiant. Consider that rectified.
Anyhoo, as we are in the midst of the holiday season I find myself casting a dire glare at it all and I don’t like what I see. If I were the captain of a ship I’d say that I am in the worst storm I have ever found myself in. That is not melodrama, it is fact.
I cannot think of a time where things were worse. There were some very bad moments, but none of them compare to the extended play version of Jack as the Ancient Mariner. There is a fucking albatross tied to my neck I can’t shake the damn thing off.
So much has happened that doubt and questioning have become regular companions. I look in the mirror and see a face that I don’t recognize.
He stares back at me and dares me to try to make him go away. He is accompanied by a little nagging voice that whispers in my ear, questions my ability.
This is a test of will and desire. I accept responsibility for the things that I did that placed me here and I curse that which happened because of the stupidity of others.
It is funny, as I sit here typing about being the captain of ship I find myself feeling dizzy. Really, the screen is rolling back and forth and I can feel the floor moving beneath me as if the house really were sailing upon the sea.
So I’ll continue for a moment with the ship analogy, I’ll be the captain, albeit without my Tennile as she is off doing other things.
What will our intrepid captain do? Does he have a plan? The answer is sort of, maybe and I hope so. I am working on a number of projects that may yield some big dividends. I have taken specific actions that I hope will help chart a course that ends in smooth waters and not dashed upon the rocks.
I really don’t know if it will work. All I can do is try. This much I know for certain. Three friends died this year. Three 40 year-olds aren’t walking the earth any more. They were taken. Their time is done and that is all she wrote.
For better or for worse I am still here. And I will fight because if there is one thing that I know how to do it is fight. And that is all there is left to say.