Archives for December 2009
I Seek Balance-
I just wrote a letter that was filled with venom and bile. It was an outstanding letter that eviscerated someone. And had I sent it there is no way that the recipient would have misunderstood me. They would have known that I feel betrayed. They would have known that I am beyond angry, hurt and confused.
At least I think that they would have. The person I thought that they were would have known these things. They would have recognized it for what it was. But you can’t take the spoken or written word back. And once they escape you haven’t any idea what will happen or where they will go.
So consider this my moment to catch my breath. I am still hurt. I am still angry and confused. None of this makes sense to me, but then again that describes much of this. Can’t be more specific than that, or should I say that I won’t.
Almost twenty five years ago a dear friend asked me for my advice on when to cut someone off. He wanted to know at what point do you decide that someone isn’t worth keeping around. How do you determine that they take more than they give.
I can’t tell you exactly what I said because I don’t remember, too much time has passed. But it wasn’t the last time that the topic has come up. I have had reason to think about it on more than one occasion. I’d like to say that it was always in reference to someone else, but that is not true.
That is the beauty of life. Many of the situations you see your friends go through are the same that you deal with. Sometimes you can advise them because you have been through it and sometimes you ask them for help because you are following them into the pit.
So here I am, not quite as upset as when I began writing this but still angry. Been trying to analyze this situation and figure out which way is up. It is entirely possible that this is nothing more than a misunderstanding.
I won’t flip out over a misunderstanding. I’ll take some time to consider this from all angles and try to decide what to do. I am torn by it. If this really happened then I have some serious thinking to do.
Sometimes life is far more complicated than it should be. Really, why can’t it be simple. Yes, no, black, white etc.
It is well after 1 am and I think it is time to end this. I am wide awake, but I can’t sit at the computer any longer. That first letter took the edge off and I think that I want to let this sit for a while. Let’s see what the morning brings.
2010- The Year of Jack is coming soon.
Feeling Sad & Defeated
(originally posted here)
A new entry for Fragments of Fiction
“There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship’s smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
but I have become comfortably numb.”
Comfortably Numb– Pink Floyd
“I can’t pay my bills. I can’t find a job. I can’t support my family, can’t even support myself,” he said. At least I think that is what he said. Slumped against the wall he stared off into space and began mumbling again.
“I feel sad and defeated. Whatever I touch crumbles into dust. Relationships, jobs, friends all they do is go away.”
It wasn’t the first time I had heard him speak this way. He was a man who lived and died every day. His own personal rollercoaster never stopped running, at least that is how he had once described it to me.
I understood. We have been friends for most of our lives so I have borne witness to it all. I have seen the triumphant moments. Walked with him through the fire and saw him emerge unscathed. We share a million memories and a million dreams and nightmares.
He is not the easiest guy to get along with. At times he is moody and temperamental. He is a man who consumes life and that takes a certain toll upon oneself. I have often told him that if he could figure out how to take the middle road he’d be happier more frequently. The highs and lows can’t be good for you.
It is a fruitless discussion. This sort of behavior is part of his core. It is who he is. It is why whenever he has dropped back down inside his personal hell I don’t worry. Ok, I worry a little but I have never seen him not find a way to rise above it. Never seen him lose all hope, at least not until this moment.
Because now is the first time that I haven’t seen that fire in his eyes and I wonder. I wonder if the flame has truly been extinguished. Has he lost that edge or is it my imagination. Sometimes it is hard for me to tell.
I can’t walk along the razors edge the way that he can. It makes me far too nervous. But that is part of the friendship. We complement each other. There is a certain balance that we provide. So I stand there next to him and debate whether to yell or coddle.
He is a grown man. I don’t need to do this. I shouldn’t have to do this. But he is my friend and I have seen him do some incredible things in the name of our friendship. So I suppose that the question of whether I will help him is moot. The bigger and better question is what is the best way to help. How am I most likely to get through to him.
Slowly I slide down the wall until my butt hits bottom and I find myself just a hair shy of sitting in his lap. For the moment we sit in silence and then he tells me that if I think that this is our Brokeback Mountain moment I better be prepared to get punched in the mouth.
It is said with a hint of feeling and I almost believe that he is better than he is. But something feels off to me, so I am not quite prepared to accept that.
Instead I say nothing and wait for him to speak again. It is a noisy silence and it is disconcerting. But whether it is because I am really concerned or just confused is still up for debate.
Flying The Unfriendly Skies- What Type of Explosive Device & Why
I have flown a lot since 9/11 and I can’t remember a flight where I didn’t periodically look around at the other passengers and wonder. Very curious to find out what this was about. Could be someone who acting on their own, could be part of a group. Could be a joke, politically motivated or something done by someone who was mentally ill.
“(CNN) — A passenger ignited a small explosive device on a Northwest flight Friday from Amsterdam, Netherlands, to Detroit, Michigan, according to a federal government bulletin.
The passenger was immediately subdued, according to Susan Elliott, spokeswoman for Delta, Northwest’s parent company, Elliott said earlier that the suspect had ignited several small firecrackers. The incident resulted in some minor injuries, she said.
A passenger — identified in the bulletin as a Nigerian national — was later placed in custody, the Transportation Security Administration said in a statement.
He is being treated for burns he suffered in the explosion, said the bulletin, obtained by CNN from a source familiar with the investigation.”
Flying The Friendlier Skies
I am happy to read that Boeing is making an effort to make their planes more comfortable for passengers. Read the whole article and you’ll see that they are increasing the size of overhead baggage compartments, working on noise reduction and more.
“Boeing wastes no time giving passengers a new experience. As soon as you board the Dreamliner, you’re greeted by an open area just inside the door. The ceiling resembles a skylight, complete with blue LED lighting that mimics the sky.
“They’ve designed this kind of lounge area instead of coming in next to a galley,” Hamilton says. “It really gives you a welcoming area instead of entering into somebody’s kitchen.”
Of course, it’s up to the airlines buying the planes to decide what you see, and some of them way well modify the boarding area and other features of the plane. But even if they muck it up completely, there’s still a lot of “wow” in the 787 cabin.
The onboard lighting is one of the coolest features.
Anyone who has flown across more than a couple of time zones knows how difficult it is to sleep, and to be awakened with the flick of a switch that floods the cabin in fluorescent white light. Boeing’s LEDs allow the crew to adjust the lighting to match different phases of the flight.
The light is fairly standard during boarding and while cruising. During meals it is adjusted to warmer tones. Once you’re done eating and want to tilt the seat back and relax, the cabin can be bathed in a relaxing lavender hue. When it’s time to sleep, the lights are turned way down.
But it’s how the crew wakes you that’s the best part of the Dreamliner’s lighting.
Instead of flicking the lights on and flooding the cabin in light, the cabin will brighten slowly, with the light transitioning from the purples and oranges of a sunrise to yellows, and eventually white against a blue sky. Boeing’s thought is mimicking the light schedule of your destination, some of the dreaded jet lag can be alleviated.”
It all sounds good to me, but I have to admit to retaining some serious doubt and skepticism about whether the peons in coach will benefit. We shall see.