The Hand On The Back Of Your Head

He told me the thing he remembered the most wasn’t the silver bracelets that kept his arms behind his back or the smell of a car interior in desperate need of an odor neutralizer.

Nor was it the chatter of the radio or cackling of the people who saw him get his silver bracelets.

It was a hand.

“The hand on the back of your head stays with you. That rough push down that they do to keep you from banging it on the door frame is the clearest sign that you are not seen as a human.

It is a rough shove like they would give livestock they are guiding into the barn, which I guess is kind what happens.

Because they lead you to a barn or maybe a pen is a better word and lock you in.”

Take A Chance For a Shmata

Sometimes you search for a Shmata not knowing you had spent your entire life looking.

It is only after you discover your Shmata that you recognize what you had been missing and begin to wonder if you are crazy.

You make excuses and drag your feet because it couldn’t possibly be what you think it could and by the time you realize what you have things happen and you realize you just witnessed a shooting star.

Except the night sky is no longer lit so brightly and all you have is a trail and memory.

Time passes and you begin to think that maybe you were wrong, maybe you fooled yourself into thinking it was special but in your heart you know better.

Your air has gone and you choke a little bit and wonder why the sun doesn’t shine quite so bright.

 

Are You Alone In The Dark?

It is hard not to feel like you are alone in the dark and to wonder if that feeling is proof of your having fooled yourself.

And just when you are convinced you are indeed alone you find fingers wrapped in yours and for a long while you smile and your heart soars because the warmth is back.

Until it is not and you wonder if it is a cycle or a hiccup.

Maybe it is both and maybe it is neither.

The funny thing is you wander around trying to pretend it is meaningless even though you are convinced you’re still not alone in the dark.

All you need to do is reach and you’ll find those fingers again. Somewhere in the darkness you’ll hear a voice reprimand you for not believing.

And you’ll say you were told not to believe and be told you were always told to ignore the voice.

That will make you crazy because sometimes you follow and sometimes you ignore.

Red dress, blue dress–it doesn’t matter what fucking dress it is.

Wear it and then take it off.

You just know in your gut that you are right.

It is the best thing ever and a curse because even though you are convinced there is that little voice that says wait until the fingers find yours.

Is that really what you are supposed to do?

The boys of your youth would call you a pussy for that and though you never really cared, you sort of do now.

Maybe it is because you hope that you’re supposed to take that risk and you’ll be rewarded for doing so.

But if you are not, if you are wrong, well it is not much fun getting smacked in the mouth now is it.

We were together, I forget the rest- Whitman

That ring of fire burns, burns, burns- that fucking ring of fire.

Close your eyes and find your center and ask yourself what happens when lightning strikes and the impossible and improbable come to be.

It all started with one single moment and it could all start again…or not.

The Search For A Shmata

Smarter people than I don’t spend any time wondering, worrying or thinking about what they think they know or feel.

They focus upon what they can see, taste and touch in the most literal sense of those things.

If you can touch, taste or see it, well you know what is or is not real.

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you, that gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
And I know it’s true that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you’ll do
You’ll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream
Once Upon A Dream- Lana Del Rey ( Maleficent)

I hear it playing in my head as one of a multitude of songs and poems and try to ignore it.

Wrap myself in the safety and security of the tactile and concrete aspects of life because it provides more control and I crave that.

Crave it because other things are spinning in ways I can’t stop and it frightens me a bit.

But part of me likes the fear and chases the flame because it feels appropriate and right.

Because you search for a Shmata to wrap yourself in and remember the touch forever.

Everything changed and nothing will be the same.

Can’t say whether it is good or bad, only that it is and maybe that is the best way to look at it.

Words Are Insufficient

Sometimes words are insufficient which is why people like Whitman write things like “we were together, I forget the rest.”

Maybe that is all we need and the courage to follow our heart across the sea and through the woods.

Mine broke open wide so very long ago I cannot remember how or when. Sometimes I wonder if it has ever been repaired or if it ever will be.

And then I smile because of course it healed and of course it was ripped open again and healed again.

Now it is in a place and position I am not sure I recognize and maybe that is best. Maybe it is a reminder to step out of my comfort zone and test the water.

Out in the cold, searching for a Shmata never knowing if I will wrap myself around or be wrapped in it.

Some say secret worlds are best left alone and others say they exist to be shared and because they offer an opportunity for growth and exploration like none other.

Words just do it justice, so I let it be and stand on the balcony searching for a Shmata.

Push The River

My closest family and friends will tell you I am famous for engaging in what some might call feats of stupidity and others might say tenacity.

They’d tell you about occasions upon which I’d come up against situations that seemed impossible and that somehow I managed to make them work.

Most of the time it had less to do with intelligence or innovation and more to do with my willingness to push the river.

Every time I did so it was with the knowledge that much of the water would flow through my fingers or around me and that it was a huge undertaking with the potential for massive failure.

But I figured the line between massive failure and success was thin and worth chasing.

People Aren’t Logical

What I should have thought about more carefully was how people don’t act logically, rationally or in their best interest and that trying to push the river with them was an even bigger crapshoot.

But I didn’t and that is how we end up in the middle of the story below.

****

I almost turned the photo below into a greeting card so that I could send it to someone who once told me I was the most important person in her life.

fireandrain  

Stared at the picture, heard the song playing inside my head and wondered if it would be taken in anger or disbelief.

Asked myself what I hoped to accomplish by sending it and decided there is no way it would be seen as anything but a provocative insult.

And then I really wanted to send it.

Because I am angry.wanted to scream, “I HAVE TOLD YOU IN EVERY WAY I KNOW HOW THAT I NEED YOUR HELP & YOU IGNORED ME!”

Because I want to scream, “I HAVE TOLD YOU IN EVERY WAY I KNOW HOW THAT I NEED YOUR HELP & YOU IGNORED ME!”

“I HAVE TOLD YOU IN EVERY WAY I KNOW HOW THAT I NEED YOUR HELP & YOU IGNORED ME!”

I thought that maybe, just maybe the damn song would catch her eye and ear.

And maybe her heart would hear it too and she would realize that I am standing in front of her.

My Time Is At Hand

In spite of my anger and frustration I never sent the card because I didn’t see it helping me.

Didn’t see it waking her up from her slumber and figured that if I am going to try and shake her from this comatose state I need to be direct.

But fear prevented me from taking a direct approach because rejection is always possible and I wasn’t ready for her to say there is no future.

Didn’t stop me from angrily staring at the reflection in the mirror and asking that guy to explain why our time is not at hand.

Demanded he answer the charge of enabling someone to drag our collective heart through the mud.

He just smiled and said it has always been about timing and that if we waited a little longer conditions would be more favorable.

I glared at the smug look on his face and he glared back at me.

“You like to think those 13 words will magically make her think about what would happen if she lost you forever and that the aforementioned thought would spur her into action.

But it might not be as you want or wish for. She might cry at the thought but that loss might not be enough to get her to take your hand because she might think it is too late.

She might try to protect her own heart and be cool in front of you. Don’t give her an ultimatum.”

I shook my fist at the mirror and rolled my eyes as he did it back to me.

separate soul

There really is no point pretending that the guy was going to tell me anything I didn’t know.

Since nothing good comes from trying to make choices after midnight I turned out the lights, went to bed and hoped that sleep would come sooner than later.

Maybe We’ll Find Each Other One Day

And it starts like this:

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face is the song that I wanted to write for you. It is the song that I should write for you and maybe one day I shall. It is not an exaggeration to say that you are the song of my heart and that when you left it went silent.

I promised to be your knight and your protector. I promised to be your best friend and your lover. I told you that when you were sad I would kiss your tears away and rock you to sleep.

And I was and I did.

Some might suggest that it makes me less of a man to ask you to give me your hand again. Some might say that I give you too much power by doing so but I don’t think that is so. Maybe it is because I once tamed your heart and touched your soul. Maybe it is because I know that you remember how we learned together how to love and live more deeply than ever before.

Or maybe it is for none of those reasons. Maybe it is for all of those reasons. I really don’t spend much time thinking about how and why because this is not a math problem or some sort of scientific formula that must be followed or needs to be answered.

If I had to answer the question I would tell you to shut up and kiss me. Stop thinking and do. And when you did you would remember and you would know.

You would know that love is wild and that love is real. You would know that sometimes it is like standing in the eye of the storm. Everywhere you look there is wind, rain and lightning, except for that one place that we are standing together holding hands.

And sometimes you find yourself standing inside the storm and find yourself searching for shelter but if you can hold on long enough you always find it in the same place it was before.

Red dress, blue dress- it doesn’t matter because I don’t just love you. I fucking love you.

So here we are in the places we stand today farther apart than ever before and still as close as we once were. For it wouldn’t take but a moment for us to remember who we are apart and who we are together. It wouldn’t take but one kiss for our souls to soar and our hearts to surrender.

Sooner or later we shall put intellect aside and surrender to the point, purpose and passion that never left us. It may have gone dormant but not dead. Give it some water and sunshine and its petals will open wide and bloom as brightly as they ever have.

Come let me love you again and let’s resume our journey together. There is still much time and more than a few adventures to be had.

More Than A Memory

No one was more surprised at how things turned out.

I couldn’t have ever predicted we would meet or what would happen once we did.

It wasn’t just lust and it wasn’t just love. It was chemical, it was pheromones.

It was magic.

Unexpected and unplanned we turned life upside down and inside out.

Most of the memories are the kind that you can’t share because they are things that can only be appreciated and understood if experienced.

I don’t know how we found and lost each other and it feels foolish to say it happened more than once.

Hell, I can’t believe I found you once and lost you twice. Can’t understand or wrap my brain around how it all happened.

I just know there was life before you and life after you, expect after feels a whole lot emptier.

Sometimes I look outside my window and think about how lightning struck twice and how just when I thought you were gone we found each other again.

Meeting you obviously wasn’t impossible but improbable is an accurate description.

Some people say I overreacted to losing you and that I should just suck it up and move on.

I told the last person who suggested I just forget to try walking with two broken legs.

Doesn’t mean I didn’t want to or that I didn’t try to. It just means I understand what Garth was talking about when he said you’ll know she’ll be there in your dreams.

Seen you there more than once, had conversations that left me wondering why you weren’t there when I woke up.

Those moments haven’t just been limited to mornings because they aren’t limited to the tick-tock of the clock.

They come and go as they will.

Sometimes I hear your voice, smell your perfume or swear I feel your presence.

I know just how crazy it sounds and I look in the mirror and ask the face looking back at me if he wants to wear one of those special jackets with the arms that tie in the back.

He never takes me seriously, just mimics and mocks me.

Dude looks me in the eye and says he remembers how surprised I was when somehow I got you back.

Says any man who can survive a lightning strike ought to have more faith in higher powers and inexplicable moments.

It pulls a wry grin across my face and I nod my head.

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There had to millions of girls out there and of those millions had to be tens of thousands I could fall in love with and who could fall in love with me.

Why was it you.

Why was it us.

There aren’t good answers to these questions so I find myself saying the things I have said before.

Red dress, blue dress- it doesn’t matter because I don’t just love you. I fucking love you.

And the moment we kissed again I felt you melt into me and I knew you had fallen for me again without your having to say so.

Knew from that moment on that if anything happened it would take one kiss to remind you about whose arms you should be in and whose hand you should be holding.

What Comes Next?

I don’t know how we lost each other again or why we let it happen.

Don’t know how we could have been so dumb but my heart swears it still beats with yours and claims our souls have never stopped their eternal embrace.

Can’t say for certain what comes next but there are moments where I think of calling you and asking you to meet for coffee.

Moments where I think about how I’ll look you in the eye and say you have to kiss me.

Moments where I figure if you say no I’ll tell you we have to do it in the name of science to see what sort of chemical reaction it creates.

Would love to see if my theory is proven true.

My hand is empty without yours in it.

You ought to take it, after all it is offered in the name of science.

And if not, well maybe we’ll find each other one day.

(A shorter version ran here.)