When streams are ripe and swelled with rain
May, she will stay
Resting in my arms againJune, she’ll change her tune
In restless walks she’ll prowl the night
July, she will fly
And give no warning to her flightAugust, die she must
The autumn winds blow chilly and cold
September, I’ll remember
A love once new has now grown oldApril, come she will– Simon & Garfunkel
Fragments of Fiction
The readers write in and ask why I don’t publish every day anymore and inquire about The Shmata Queen tales.
They ask what happened to Datingmaster Jerusalem and wonder if he ever solved the mystery of S and J and I smile because there are stories and there are answers.
Because one day I’ll put down on paper more than the skeleton of the tale and fill in some of the blanks that leave the fine folks wondering about friendship, epic romances, marriage and silly tales of thus and that.
They ask for the words to rain down upon them and shower them in a waterfall of answers and so I nod, smile and promise.
Except they cannot see my face or hear my words so the promises made about The Shmata Queen Tales are left between my lips and hers.
Time moves faster than I realize because it feels like but a moment since SQ asked me to reconsider leaving and I said not to worry because I would be back.
Been slightly less than a moment since I updated this joint except the calendar shows how very wrong I am on both accounts.
Don’t think I have ever gone this long between posts here and that bothers me because this is one of my homes and I feel like I haven’t taken care of it.
Been busy with important things, meaningful things, things that qualify as more than stuff but it doesn’t take the sting out some of it.
Told SQ that sometimes that familiar ache hits so very hard and didn’t hear anything in return but took silence as acknowledgment because sometimes there is no reason to say much more.
If she stepped into my arms it would feel like no time had passed and the familiarity of home would be there because we carry our home with us wherever we go.
No Time To Do It All
Haven’t got enough time to do it all and too much to ignore what I can do.
Looked in the mirror and shook my head because I see the weight of the past and a face that knows what it means to live, to love and to lose.
A face that knows triumph, sorrow and the in-between.
He can carry the load himself if need be because it is how he is built, but it is not his first choice.
It is why I told SQ it is time to carry each other again and to let go and let be. To take a shot at grabbing that brass ring and to see if the magic is truly eternal as we have always known and believed it to be.
Always said one kiss would bring it all back which is why she hides her lips, because it is known and destiny will force our hands whether we choose to cooperate or not.
So better to march out and meet it on our terms, as best we can.
Why be Charles and Camilla when you could be like that man in black and his girl.
You can face the opportunity and see if the sun still warms your countenance or stand under the clouds and pretend the shadow cannot move.
“As if you were on fire from within.
The moon lives in the lining of your skin.”
― Pablo Neruda
There was a time when I tried to kiss the queen and she pulled away.
She told me no and I respected her wishes but I was tempted to ask her to look in my eyes and tell me she didn’t like the electric shock our connected lips created.
Instead I stayed silent and waited to see if he would volunteer it on her own but she didn’t.
Time passed and when we connected again she kissed me though she would never admit to having made the first move.
After we had spent some time with locked lips I asked her if I was crazy and she said yes, but not about the feeling.
“I like kissing you.”
I smiled and told her we ought to make a coven tree about it.
She told me to shut up and kiss her some more.
“No more of those jokes or you get no more of this.”
I smiled again and felt her legs wrap around mine and of that moment no more is to be shared…here.
Ten thousand years ago in the time that was and the place that no longer exists some guy told a girl he would be willing to be close with her for a long time, maybe longer.
She said something like forever and a day and they developed a series of responses, comments and jokes ranging from MLBF, to YLC and a dozen others.
Earthquakes, fires and floods destroyed the castle and secret garden and for a long while they wandered alone and apart.
Some said they both met with moments of sincere heartache and unrest because of it and some said that neither really did.
Occasionally they’d come across each other and exchanged a series of moments in which they swore to never let each other go and to never speak again.
In short, it was a typical push/pull of people who couldn’t quite figure out what they were supposed to do and so they fumbled along.
A time came when he sent out a silent question asking her to answer who she really trusted.
“Who are you really close with and do you seriously not miss us.”
He knew what his answer was and sometimes he fought it. Sometimes he focused on all of the negatives and reasons not to let her in but she always found a way back to his heart.
Eventually he decided he wouldn’t try to control his thoughts or feelings about her and would see where it led.
So he looked at the moon and whispered his secret at it, “I miss her being my rock, even if she can be a pain-in-my-ass. What should I do about it?”
The man-in-the-moon just smiled and told him it would work out.
He shook his fist at him and said that is the kind of response I hate. It is a non-answer. “She won’t like it either.”
But the man didn’t respond.
He walked under the dark night for a while longer and remembered how she told him she just wanted to spend time with him and smiled.
“That is what I want too. To get real-time for a while and to just be. Can’t know what I know without knowing more. Can’t test my hypothesis, can only hypothesize.
Even she would understand that, but I don’t know if she would admit it.”
He walked a while longer, looked at the sky and said he was certain under the right circumstances she would kiss him.
“I don’t know if that makes a difference or not. The right moment and the right combination of words. Especially because they wouldn’t be a line and she would know they were genuine.”
The moon remained silent but he swore he saw it wink at him. Not in a “taunting” kind of way but one that offered support.
And then he heard Hallelujah start playing and tried to discern if it was with romantic intent or something other than that.
For a moment he swore he could feel her hand grab his bicep and the other intertwine her fingers in his.
Was that a phoenix in the sky or just a comet streaking across the sky?
Probably didn’t matter as both were good and with that he smiled and kept walking.
Seven years ago we sat in a car talking about things that didn’t matter and then I surprised myself and asked her if she still loved me.
“Yes, I still do.”
An electric shock ran through my body and bells went off inside my head. If I told you when we kissed for the first time in forever that I heard angels sing and recognized the celebration of a heavenly chorus you might accuse me of hyperbole.
We found each other for a while and then one of those made for movies moments forced us apart again and we went our separate ways.
And just when it seemed like life couldn’t get stranger, harder or more bizarre it did and the roulette wheel we all ride along spit me out back on Black 69 in the place I had once been.
Years passed without any engagement between us and then we sat in a car alone again and I wondered about whether I ought to ask her the same question again.
“Do you still love me?”
Silence Speaks Volumes
We stared at each other but neither of us broached the topic and for a moment I wondered if that meant something.
I came to the conclusion that it didn’t mean anything and thought about whether I still loved her or if I loved a ghost that had once been.
Hell, I tried to convince myself that was it and that I missed a moment in time and nothing more than that.
That didn’t last because things happened that convinced me otherwise.
We continually sought each other out and danced around topics and situations. Sometimes delving into them just a bit and sometimes avoiding them altogether.
It convinced me that love still lasts on both sides and fear and uncertainty helped to maintain a fence between us.
Sometimes it is painful because we feel more connected than ever and yet aren’t. Sometimes that pain feels like a good lesson to pay close attention to those we care most about.
The hardest and most honest thing to admit is the sense that it is not done and that it is time is coming even if there is no physical evidence to support it.
It feels like a soft breeze that washes over me with hints and whispers of real thunder and rainfall. The kind where you look up and know if you don’t take cover you are going to be soaked.
You can see the clouds move in the distance, but it is hard to gauge how fast they’ll arrive or if other atmospheric phenomena will affect them and maybe the storm will dissipate before it can build.
I don’t wonder if she loves me because I know the answer is yes, she absolutely does. If I unexpectedly dropped dead it would be devastating for her and she’d feel like she lost a limb.
So I don’t know what is going to happen or when but ask if I have expectations and I’ll nod my head.
Can’t give you science but I can tell you if watch me walk along the country highway pulling my cart behind me you’ll see something.
Some will say they see just a man pulling a cart and some will provide more details, determined, broken, sad, joyful, exuberant and or angry.
Could be that some see none, some see all or some see a combination.
That is cuz the man pulling the cart is a human being and none of us are just one thing, we are some of everything.