The Flying Clown

The clown was drunk, surly and horny. Or should I say that he was in dire need of shagging Tinkerbell. Ok, her name wasn’t really Tinkerbell but the performers at a kids birthday party don’t introduce themselves by their real names so you’ll forgive me if I can’t tell you whether she was Karen, Kathy, Tracey, Lacey or Stacey.


All I know is that the clown who smelled like he had taken a bath  at the local liquor store told me that he wanted to play hide the salami with her. I suppose that between the stench and his words I should have told my sister to fire him immediately but I was too busy laughing at the name I had given him, “The Fairy Fucker.”

Little sister wouldn’t have been happy about that. She wouldn’t have smiled, chuckled, giggled or guffawed about “The Fairy Fucker.” No grin would have been seen on her chin, not even if I tried to tell her that the local Pro-Gay defamation league would be pissed with me for calling him “The Fairy Fucker.”

She was far too engrossed in being the ‘hostess with the mostess.” It was my niece’s 9th birthday party and the house was filled with ten thousand screaming kids, a very nice assortment of food, Tinkerbell, music and my new friend, “The Fairy Fucker.”

Just thinking about it makes me giggle and maybe that explains why I didn’t kick his ass out myself. I like being an uncle. No scratch that, I love being an uncle. Maybe it is because I am 240 pounds of five year-old trapped in a man’s body. Ultimately it doesn’t matter, cuz I am really good at it and the kids love me.

So while little sister is flying around the house and yard trying to make sure that everything is just so, I am pulling out every trick in the Uncle’s Handbook. It doesn’t take long for me to be like the Pied Piper of the party. I have most of the ten thousand children kids at the party following me around, imitating everything I say and do.

I know from experience that this is not a good thing. Even though I like playing Peter Pan I know that having the lost boys trailing me is a recipe for disaster. Inside my head I start to hear Robbie the Robot start saying “Danger Will Robinson, Danger Will Robinson.” But I am in my element and I sort of ignore the robot and the red alert noise that Captain Kirk used to set off on the Enterprise.

Mere moments from now I’ll find myself face to face with little sister except she is not 12 and screaming at me because I have unplugged the phone and she can’t call our parents to tell them how evil I am.

Nope, she is pushing 40 (a fact that I repeat frequently) and she has slipped out of the “hostess with the mostess” mode and into “I am going to kick my big brother’s ass.” Well, I don’t know about you but I don’t like having my ass kicked and even though little sister may have a point that pump isn’t going anywhere near my crack.

Angry words are exchanged and we’re transported back to 1982. Just like old times our mother comes over and lays into both of us. Fun time is over and now I am angry. We go back and forth and then the argument is broken up by a scream.

Poor Tinkerbell has discovered that the balloon animal The Fairy Fucker is holding isn’t really a balloon or an animal. Little sister and I exchange a look and a millisecond later I drag the clown out the door and throw him headfirst off of the porch.

I turn and look at little sister and say “too bad she didn’t teach him to fly.” In between giant gales of laughter little sister gives me a big hug and the party resumes.

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  1. workingdan July 29, 2012 at 9:42 am

    I have always wanted to beat up a clown. I don’t know why, I just find clowns to be worthy of a right hook to the head.
    Glad it ended with a laugh with your sister!

  2. wilyguy July 29, 2012 at 4:12 am

    Clowns are disturbing already, add alcohol and I can imagine that he was playing with his junk. You should have helped him twist it into the shape of a pony. Well, except for that whole touching clown junk.

  3. Kianwi July 29, 2012 at 3:32 am

    I love that first line! 
    You and your sister sound just like my brother and me.  We get along great now, but if we spend too much time together, the bickering starts, and brings us right back to childhood.  He can make me madder than pretty much anyone else in my life, but he can also make me laugh hysterically.

    • TheJackB July 30, 2012 at 11:52 pm

       @Kianwi It sounds like you guys have a good relationship. That is very cool. It is funny how our siblings never lose the ability to press our buttons.

  4. Jenn March 13, 2011 at 7:21 am

    I hate clowns. They freak me out, and you know those baggy pants are hiding something.

    but this…hilarious.

  5. CDG March 13, 2011 at 6:43 am

    All I can say is, thank god I’m poor enough to justify never hiring either clowns or fairies for my kid’s birthday.

  6. Brandon March 11, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    Dude, you come up with some crazy stuff! This was funny.

    One little suggestion for the writing side of this would be to watch the shorthand jargon. Write like you write, not like you text… (E.g. – cuz)

    Other than that, you paint a great picture! Good job!

    • Jack March 11, 2011 at 10:53 pm

      Oy, you just made me feel old. I have been using ‘cuz as an abbreviation since the ’80s. Not to mention that I spend all day using thee and thou. It is hard to be so formal, but that is the burden of royalty.

  7. Renee March 11, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    Mom’s always get into the middle of really good sibling battles. Takes all the fun out of it.

    I’d love to have pictures of the “headfirst off the porch”.

  8. Jessica March 11, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    I love the relationship you guys have and how you illustrated it through out and the pump in the crack line too.

  9. Cheryl March 11, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Fairy Fucker? HA!

    I love how your sister came around at the end and laughed.

    • Jack March 11, 2011 at 5:27 pm

      All of my little sisters “complain” about my ability to make them laugh even when they are angry. And my brother-in-laws want to know why I get away with crap that they can’t. It is awesome.

  10. Shell March 11, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    Oh. My. God. Really?

    I would have cracked up!

  11. Amy a/k/a HonestConvoGal March 11, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    I read this in my stodgy law fimr and spit Pepsi out my nose. Hilarious. But also glad you’re not my blig grother. Well done.

    • Jack March 11, 2011 at 5:25 pm

      i am an awesome big brother, just ask my sisters. I can provide lots of testimonials and references from clowns that they once called boyfriends.

  12. Erin March 11, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    I knew there was a reason I didn’t like clowns!
    But love this story, good thing you were there!

  13. Victoria KP March 11, 2011 at 10:43 am

    HILARIOUS! I love the brother-sister dynamic. It never goes away no matter how old we get–we’re still bickering 12-year-olds sometimes!

  14. Leighann March 11, 2011 at 9:20 am

    A perverted clown.
    See. Theres reasons I don’t welcome clowns with open arms.
    If they aren’t killing people they’re trying to put balloons in inappropriate places.

  15. Amy Hillis March 11, 2011 at 8:47 am

    Loved it! I think all uncles have a bit of a Peter Pan in them. Well done use of the prompt.

  16. Amy March 11, 2011 at 8:05 am

    I kind of love the fairy fucker. Well at least the image of him.

  17. Ilana March 11, 2011 at 7:10 am

    The Fairy Fucker. I think this needs to be a staple at all children’s parties. Except mine.

  18. Abby March 11, 2011 at 4:45 am

    I hate clowns, but love this piece. Next year she should just hire you and save herself the trouble.

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