Three weeks I called Bill Gates and said, “Uncle Bill, the bank account is a little soft this month. Do you think that you might see your way clear to floating a little cash my direction. Don’t need much, maybe a couple million.” There was a long pause on the other end of the phone and then in a quiet voice he said that he didn’t know who I was. “Wait, don’t hang up. It doesn’t have to be 3 million, how about $250,000 or a couple of bucks to buy me lunch.”
There was a click followed by that annoying noise the phone makes when you have been disconnected and forgotten to hang it up. Some people call it the idiot alert- I don’t call it anything or at least I didn’t that day.Instead I cursed Bill Gates. Something to effect of, “Damn you Bill Gates you billionaire who gives all of your money away to starving children in India and Africa.” Apparently having that kind of money does more than save starving children, it allows Bill Gates to secretly bug your phone. I know it sounds crazy, but you have to believe me. Â I don’t wear a tinfoil hat or anything like that. Actually I might but the tinfoil makes my forehead break out in big red splotches and that disturbs the kids, the dog and the neighbors.
No, the reason you need to believe me is that I consulted the Velvet Elvis Painting that hangs on the kitchen wall. It is smack dab next to the one of dogs playing poker. I got it at swap meet in cleveland heights and it has almost brought me luck. Actually I’d get rid of it but that wacky woman, the Shmata Queen threatened to hit me again with that enormous black purse.
Anyway Velvet Elvis told me that one should never insult Uncle Bill or that Mr. French would come try to lay a beat down upon you. Well I told Elvis and his suspicious mind to have a little less conversation with someone else because I am not afraid of Mr. French, Mr. Belvedere or Mr. Clean. In fact I’ll fight all three of them in a steel cage match. Not only that but I’ll do it for charity and raise less than one percent than Uncle Bill does but that is not really a fair comparison. I was never declared a Monopoly other than that one time at Band Camp, but I digress.
So my intrepid band of heroes if you are still reading this let me circle the wagons and let you know that several weeks ago I discovered that if you view my blog through Internet Explorer the comment box disappears. I haven’t the foggiest idea why that happens, but I am working on figuring it out. Could be a bad plug in or maybe Velvet Elvis is right and Uncle Bill has reached out and grabbed my blog by the Internet Explorer balls. Just know that I am fighting for your freedom to comment here. Answers to come sooner than later.